Post by shattered on Jan 2, 2009 15:17:27 GMT -5
I am so incredibly sad.
I am so incredibly lonely.
I feel incredibly lame for not being able to muster enough positive energy to start the new year off with hope (not the futile kind) and optimism.
I am so emotionally drained and exhausted.
I know I sound like I'm whining, and it embarasses me. (Though not enough not to do it anyway.)
I just feel like I suffered enough in past failed relationships and lack of any relationship altogether, and then with the coup de grace a bit over a year ago with the ex-fiance, and I went through such hell, and, well, when things with the French guy started, I just thought, hey, maybe things can work out for me, just once. Why not.
Well, they're not working out, and I don't know why not.
Why can't anything ever work out for me. Why.
Everyone has someone. Even those who are single still have their kids.
I have no kids, I have no life partner, and it seems increasingly like I'll never have one.
Why.
Why do I always have to be alone.
I just survived the worst treatment and heartache of my life, and here I am already in a new heartache.
Someone so gregarious and fun-loving and life-loving as me. Why have I turned into someone who feels so dismal and hopeless and wretched.
I don't get it.
I have been trying so hard for so long to keep the stiff upper lip, and well, it's pretty floppy right now.
I'm just feeling so overwhelmed with job insecurity (my job that I'm enjoying so much is just a one-year contract job that ends mid April), low finances, family issues, and other crap.
I'm back to feeling a total lack of security or reliablity in any area of my life.
I want a reasonable amount of stability in 2009.
That is my wish for myself.
I am so incredibly lonely.
I feel incredibly lame for not being able to muster enough positive energy to start the new year off with hope (not the futile kind) and optimism.
I am so emotionally drained and exhausted.
I know I sound like I'm whining, and it embarasses me. (Though not enough not to do it anyway.)
I just feel like I suffered enough in past failed relationships and lack of any relationship altogether, and then with the coup de grace a bit over a year ago with the ex-fiance, and I went through such hell, and, well, when things with the French guy started, I just thought, hey, maybe things can work out for me, just once. Why not.
Well, they're not working out, and I don't know why not.
Why can't anything ever work out for me. Why.
Everyone has someone. Even those who are single still have their kids.
I have no kids, I have no life partner, and it seems increasingly like I'll never have one.
Why.
Why do I always have to be alone.
I just survived the worst treatment and heartache of my life, and here I am already in a new heartache.
Someone so gregarious and fun-loving and life-loving as me. Why have I turned into someone who feels so dismal and hopeless and wretched.
I don't get it.
I have been trying so hard for so long to keep the stiff upper lip, and well, it's pretty floppy right now.
I'm just feeling so overwhelmed with job insecurity (my job that I'm enjoying so much is just a one-year contract job that ends mid April), low finances, family issues, and other crap.
I'm back to feeling a total lack of security or reliablity in any area of my life.
I want a reasonable amount of stability in 2009.
That is my wish for myself.