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Post by freckles on Jan 22, 2009 14:31:46 GMT -5
Dr Laura Slessenger said something profound
A Person Chooses to do something.
You can Choose to do something or Choose NOT to do something
It is a Choice
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Post by shattered on Jan 22, 2009 15:08:50 GMT -5
Wow. He has deep problems and sometimes the only way to recognize a problem is to get caught. He got caught. If he takes it out on you, he is only deflecting blame. He has to be responsible for his actions. He is the one who chose to drive. Heck, 6 blocks is nothing, he could have walked it. He could have asked for a ride. He could have skipped practice. He CHOSE to drive, now he needs to take responsibility for it. Amen. Calling 911 under these circumstances sounds like exactly the right thing to do. And it took real guts and knowing what is right and wrong to do it. Given the patterns and the history, scolding him, trying to negotiate with him, making him offers, etc. etc. would just have been enabling him. I hope he gets his act together, Amola. Either way, my hat is off to you. I can only imagine how excrutiatingly difficult this must be. |
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Post by Bobfromacctg on Jan 22, 2009 17:50:10 GMT -5
Way to go! I would have done the same thing in a heart beat. My son, always knew, that we ever suspected that he was doing that, 911 would be called. He knew he would have to face the consequences. At one point, my son was a ward of the state and he threatned to leave the house at 7:30. I told him fine, he can do that if he wanted but I got the same choice he got and my choice would be to call his probation officer because I was not going to take a contempt of court for "his pink little butt". he knew I was serious and he did not leave.
Same if my spouse was doing it. They can choose to drink or not and I get to choose wether or not I want to deal with it.
Too bad you are having to live in that chaos. What happened to men doing what they are supposed to do??? Its amazing to me.
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Post by piscesgoddess on Jan 22, 2009 23:58:27 GMT -5
Damn sweetie.. it makes me sick that he's choosing to start to this crap again..I remember some of the stories from the past that made me cringe..and this is another one that takes the cake..especially right after the hip surgery  You did the right thing honey.. although I'm sitting here wondering what happened tonite..if he was pissed..if he was apologetic.. if it was the "I'll never do it again" song and dance.. You are one of the strongest women I have EVER known.. tried and true..and one of these days it's going to be put up or shut up with him..only you know how much you can put up with..I know these incidinces (sp?) are not as frequent as before..but they are obviously still happening.. I'm just hoping this stint in jail.. no pun intended.. sobered him up.. You know I love you honey.. and I'm here for you..I also know without a DOUBT if any woman will put her foot up a MANS ASS.. that would be YOU ;D Keep us posted k sugar??  |
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Post by amola on Jan 23, 2009 8:09:47 GMT -5
Not to mention that you tend to have a bit more of a hands-on approach to most things in your life.... hey, what do you mean here? seriously..... trust me at this point, i'm welcoming any thoughts or criticisms at all because i'm doing some serious soul-searching at the moment. and everyone else, thanks for the thoughts. i know that i did the right thing, although the nagging little squirt in the back of my head tells me differently every now and then. i read over the paperwork last night, and he blew a 0.18. he has a temp license for 30 days, then goes to court, then loses his license for a year. had he blown less than a 0.15, it would have only been restricted for a year. we talked and argued and bitched and discussed for several hours yesterday afternoon and evening. there are a lot of other issues going on that i had known about ("secret" bank account for one) and now that he knows that i know, he's been doing a lot of explaining (and more lying - how stupid does he think that i am?). anyway, i'm still not 100% sure what i want, and he knows it. right now, right at this very second, i am ready to walk away from it all. take the kids, find a job, and start over on my own again. but the thought of being without him (when he's sober, mind you) totally sucks. there are some things that he has said that he's going to do....call our pastor (whose ex-husband and father were both alcoholics), close out the "secret" account, get me some documentation about some financial stuff that he's done on the side, etc......... he can sit and tell me all he wants to about this stuff, but i'm the type of person that if i don't have the 100% truth and i have even one iota of doubt, i can't just let it go and get past it. once he shows me what he's done, there is a chance that i can drop the grudge and get past it. i just don't know. i don't. |
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Post by JimB on Jan 23, 2009 9:21:25 GMT -5
Wasn't a criticism as much as an observation. I just think you're a woman who takes action first and asks questions later, as opposed to most of the rest of us here who are the other way around. I've always admired that about you....
As for what to do here, I'm reminded of one of the recurring themes we see here and saw on Ojar: when is enough enough? Only you know. Personally, I'm all for giving a loved one the benefit of the doubt for as long as I possibly can. I don't have direct experience living with an alcoholic or any other kind of addict, but my gut instinct is it's a lot less difficult to deal with if the addict deals with it in an up front way. I'd have a lot bigger problem with the lying than with the addiction. (And no, I don't believe addicts are automatically liars.)
But one thing you have going for you here is that you can quantify what you want from him. It sounds like you've made it pretty clear what needs to happen, and he's made some promises. Closing the bank account and seeing the pastor are things you can easily verify. But if you need something more from him, here's a thought: get it in writing. Set time tables for the specific things you need him to do and make him sign off on it. Guys are tangible, and it would give you something tangible to - erm - "gently remind" him if he gets off track. If he doesn't follow through, you can walk.
IMO, if you just take off now, you're running away. That's fine, but stability in relationships comes from working through the tough times. I'm sure you feel like you've covered his ass plenty of times, but if he comes to comprehend how big a f*ckup this one is, he'll appreciate you having his back in the long run. And if he doesn't, off you go, and with a clear conscience.
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Post by amola on Jan 23, 2009 9:35:48 GMT -5
IMO, if you just take off now, you're running away. That's fine, but stability in relationships comes from working through the tough times. I'm sure you feel like you've covered his ass plenty of times, but if he comes to comprehend how big a f*ckup this one is, he'll appreciate you having his back in the long run. And if he doesn't, off you go, and with a clear conscience. i can't even begin to list the tough times right now.......there are a few people on here who know more of what's been going on, but even they don't know everything..... when he's sober, he's the best guy in the world - and anyone who knows him will attest to that. when he drinks - it's constant verbal and emotional abuse toward me, threats (not violent threats, more like threats about what he'll do with the money or threats to leave here and go back to massachusetts), insults, lies...... it has gotten physical a few times, and i will admit that i'm guilty of that too only because i'm not one to sit back and turn the other cheek. he has been arrested for domestic battery, which he in turn tried to blame on me (he never would have gotten arrested had i not called the cops.....well DUH!!!) it has been a constant battle with short reprieves to occasionally allow me to get my hopes up and think that we can have a normal happy life, and then the battle starts up again. imagine constantly fighting to get up a huge mountain and having someone holding your hand to help you - then that same person suddenly pushes you backwards and you fall down the mountain again. you start to go back up, the person helps you and says and does all the right things to start getting you back up that mountain, and then without warning shoves you back down again. sometimes the shove only knocks you off your feet and you can get back up and start walking again, other times the shove makes you tumble the whole way to the bottom again. i'm sitting on the ground at the bottom of the mountain again, staring at the top, trying to figure out if i should even try to get up it, or if i should just walk away. i am not a quitter. but i just don't know if i can keep doing this. |
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Post by jules on Jan 23, 2009 9:56:42 GMT -5
I'm really sorry, amola. I didn't realize that you were talking about an alcoholic initially, which makes my previous posts really irrelevant. Whole different ball game. I don't have any experience in this area, but I'm thinking a support group for those whose loved ones are alcoholics may be very useful to you...
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Post by amola on Jan 23, 2009 10:06:14 GMT -5
it's ok, jules......i know that i didn't make it clear. and actually, the responses where people didn't realize that i was talking about an alcoholic made some things actually clearer in my head.
like i said earlier, i'm really doing a lot of soul-searching right now. my reality is so screwed up right now that i don't know up from down or right from left.
i just talked to him again, and i think that i made it even more clearer that i'm ready to walk. there are things that he needs to do that i can already see that he's not making a priority ("oh, i'll do that today if i have time" - well to me, if he doesn't have time, then he doesn't have time to save our marriage.) he also said that he has some expectations for me, but he wouldn't say them, saying that he doesn't have enough privacy at work. what that basically means is "i'm going to say that i have expectations for you, even though i really don't. but now that you're saying that i have to live up to yours and you're making it sound like you really mean it, i have to have time to come up with something to counter you with."
dammit i'm sick of crying.
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Post by rocko on Jan 23, 2009 10:25:14 GMT -5
Have him make a list and you do the same of things for each of you to work on... maybe that will make him feel like it isn't all about him screwing up, but about both of you working to make it better.
I really don't know I quit when the going got tough in my marriage to my exhusband. I am glad you didn't so far, but at this point you could choose to do either and no one could fault you. You have given him another chance when I bet more than 90% of the population would have walked away.
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Post by freckles on Jan 23, 2009 11:08:32 GMT -5
IMO, if you just take off now, you're running away. That's fine, but stability in relationships comes from working through the tough times. I'm sure you feel like you've covered his ass plenty of times, but if he comes to comprehend how big a f*ckup this one is, he'll appreciate you having his back in the long run. And if he doesn't, off you go, and with a clear conscience. i can't even begin to list the tough times right now.......there are a few people on here who know more of what's been going on, but even they don't know everything..... when he's sober, he's the best guy in the world - and anyone who knows him will attest to that. when he drinks - it's constant verbal and emotional abuse toward me, threats (not violent threats, more like threats about what he'll do with the money or threats to leave here and go back to massachusetts), insults, lies...... it has gotten physical a few times, and i will admit that i'm guilty of that too only because i'm not one to sit back and turn the other cheek. he has been arrested for domestic battery, which he in turn tried to blame on me (he never would have gotten arrested had i not called the cops.....well DUH!!!) it has been a constant battle with short reprieves to occasionally allow me to get my hopes up and think that we can have a normal happy life, and then the battle starts up again. imagine constantly fighting to get up a huge mountain and having someone holding your hand to help you - then that same person suddenly pushes you backwards and you fall down the mountain again. you start to go back up, the person helps you and says and does all the right things to start getting you back up that mountain, and then without warning shoves you back down again. sometimes the shove only knocks you off your feet and you can get back up and start walking again, other times the shove makes you tumble the whole way to the bottom again. i'm sitting on the ground at the bottom of the mountain again, staring at the top, trying to figure out if i should even try to get up it, or if i should just walk away. i am not a quitter. but i just don't know if i can keep doing this. I have been there What was surprising to me After the BIG Blowup After the Divorce etc She calls and says: I did not like all the Bad Stuff you said about me in Court (Adultry/Hostile/Drunk/Drugs/Staying out all night/Cheating/Lies on and on and on and on ) She said * How would YOU have liked it if I Told the Judge the Bad that YOU Did ? That YOU did not Mow the Grass ? ----- That is what she said So all the Evil that She did in Her mind was justified, because she thought I should have mowed the grass more often. I wonder if its the same way with your Husband? He might think that, you dont sweep the floor enough So that Justifies him being a Drunkerd and the Bad that he dishes out from being/doing that Could be |
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Post by rocko on Jan 23, 2009 11:11:44 GMT -5
Frecks, you know I don't think that is just to do with addicts, but with guilty people in general. My exhusband used some pretty lame reasons for doing the things he did.
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Post by amola on Jan 23, 2009 11:26:10 GMT -5
his main reason (in his mind) is the guilt that he feels over moving out here and leaving his son in massachusetts with his ex-wife.
now, i am not going to minimize that at all - it is a decision that he made that does haunt him. he feels guilty about it and he misses his son very much.
at the same time, the one time that his son did come out here to visit, he was drunk the whole time and it was awful. so his son doesn't want to come back - can't blame him there. i wouldn't either. he has gone back to massachusetts a few times to visit but not as often as he could/should have.
i have made it very clear that his son can come out here ANYTIME. i would love to have him here permanently but i know that won't happen because he's at the age (14) where he doesn't want to leave his friends and school and stuff.
anyway, he misses his son. ok.
he stresses about our finances (or lack of). ok.
he stresses when my kids don't behave perfectly. ok.
he stresses when the house isn't spotless. ok.
i could list any number of excuses - but the bottom line is (and i didn't find this out until later in the progression) that he's been drinking like this for 15+ years. so any excuse that he uses is just an excuse. he's sick, and i know that. he has to want to get better, and he has to want to save our marriage. if he doesn't want either of those things, then there is not a damned thing that i can do.
right now, he says that he wants those things. he needs to prove it. i want our marriage to work - i want the happily ever after. ideally, he's in it. but i'm also to the point now that i'm not as afraid to pursue my own happy ending.
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Post by redskyatnight on Jan 23, 2009 11:27:05 GMT -5
At this point, I think any expectations he has for you are deflecting the problem. His only expectation of you should be for you to hang on while he works to get over his actions. He should be actively working on it, like going to an AA meeting TONIGHT, showing you bank statements TONIGHT, etc. He can't blame his inability to actively work on his addiction on anyone. He has to assume responsibility for it and if he can't do that, he is doomed to fail again.
One of the things that really pissed me off about my ex's affair was that he showed no remorse for his actions. (He showed remorse that he got caught, but not for the actual affair.) Your man needs to be honestly sorry, within himself. Seeking help should be done TODAY.
I'm so sorry for your situation. You also have to think of your kids. Will they be better off living with him the way things are, or living away from him while he gets his act together?
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Post by freckles on Jan 23, 2009 13:14:06 GMT -5
If things go south(Bad)
Call the Crisis Center in your Town, they will help you
(if you need advice on what to do, when the Poo hits the fan, let me know)
I know what to do when it Explodes and is Destroyed Forever
I will not tell you until then
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