Post by Kim Possible on Jan 29, 2009 22:39:01 GMT -5
It's bittersweet. Part of me feels old and that time is running out, that i am missing out on the life I was supposed to have. The other part of me feels young, happy and free, and right where I want to be.
After my daughter was born (two years after we married), I knew I wanted another child. I figured 2 or 3 years later we'd do it. I was 26 when she was born. I said to myself that my cut-off would be 35. And that was being very generous, b/c I thought, would I really want my kids to be 9 years apart?
Well, today was my cut-off day, and my daughter will be 9 in 3 weeks.
Everyone around me is having babies, or just had one (some their second), wants to get pregnant, or are trying to adopt. I found out last weekend that my boss from my old job just had a baby with a sperm donor. She got divorced before I did, never had kids, really wanted them, so she took matters into her own hands.
It's what people our age do. It's how we carry on our family legacy. For me, this is a big part of it. I am now an only child (only brother died many years ago). As I have mentioned ad nauseum before (here and ojar), it still hurts me that I lost my only sibling, that I am an adult who is an only child. I ahve no nieces and nephews (not even from my ex), my daughter has no first cousins. And from the looks of it, my daughter will never have a sibling either. At least I had one for 20 years.
My other thing is this: my parenting experience thus far has been anything but normal. I know this is something all of you here can relate to. For the last 3.5 years, I have been a part-time parent. By and large, I hate it. I hated it at first, got used to it, and now I am back to hating it. I am not sure if I hate the idea of it more than the actual arrangement, if that makes any sense. I spend my free nights quite occupied, I have made the most of it. I enjoy myself with my bf. friends, I try to work extra hours or just veg out. But I miss her. I miss that I am not part of her life every day. Even though lately, school and behavior has been an issue, I miss not waking up and seeing her every morning, doing her HW with her, kissing her goodnight every night.
So, as I sit here and think about my future, I am optimistic that my bf of 2 years will be in it. I am reealistic, however, that it may not be the case. I am very hopeful though. I love him in a way that I never loved anyone else. The thing is, I really don't believe that he sees kids in our future. He doesn't have any, and while he loves my daughter, I feel like he sees kids as a burden. He says there was a time in his life where he wanted kids, but that desire does not exsist as much anymore. He says he cannot afford a kid (which is true, but that doesn't stop anyone else). A child would change our lifestyle significantly (putting finances aside). If someone put a gun to my head and said "today is your last chance to have a baby" I'd be able to make the sacrifices in our lifestyle, but honestly, in the next year or so, I really am not ready. But I'd like to know that in 2-4 years from now (pushing 39 at that point), that if I was ready, that he would be too.
I don't want to regret anything in 5 years from now. I already have enough regrets.
After my daughter was born (two years after we married), I knew I wanted another child. I figured 2 or 3 years later we'd do it. I was 26 when she was born. I said to myself that my cut-off would be 35. And that was being very generous, b/c I thought, would I really want my kids to be 9 years apart?
Well, today was my cut-off day, and my daughter will be 9 in 3 weeks.
Everyone around me is having babies, or just had one (some their second), wants to get pregnant, or are trying to adopt. I found out last weekend that my boss from my old job just had a baby with a sperm donor. She got divorced before I did, never had kids, really wanted them, so she took matters into her own hands.
It's what people our age do. It's how we carry on our family legacy. For me, this is a big part of it. I am now an only child (only brother died many years ago). As I have mentioned ad nauseum before (here and ojar), it still hurts me that I lost my only sibling, that I am an adult who is an only child. I ahve no nieces and nephews (not even from my ex), my daughter has no first cousins. And from the looks of it, my daughter will never have a sibling either. At least I had one for 20 years.
My other thing is this: my parenting experience thus far has been anything but normal. I know this is something all of you here can relate to. For the last 3.5 years, I have been a part-time parent. By and large, I hate it. I hated it at first, got used to it, and now I am back to hating it. I am not sure if I hate the idea of it more than the actual arrangement, if that makes any sense. I spend my free nights quite occupied, I have made the most of it. I enjoy myself with my bf. friends, I try to work extra hours or just veg out. But I miss her. I miss that I am not part of her life every day. Even though lately, school and behavior has been an issue, I miss not waking up and seeing her every morning, doing her HW with her, kissing her goodnight every night.
So, as I sit here and think about my future, I am optimistic that my bf of 2 years will be in it. I am reealistic, however, that it may not be the case. I am very hopeful though. I love him in a way that I never loved anyone else. The thing is, I really don't believe that he sees kids in our future. He doesn't have any, and while he loves my daughter, I feel like he sees kids as a burden. He says there was a time in his life where he wanted kids, but that desire does not exsist as much anymore. He says he cannot afford a kid (which is true, but that doesn't stop anyone else). A child would change our lifestyle significantly (putting finances aside). If someone put a gun to my head and said "today is your last chance to have a baby" I'd be able to make the sacrifices in our lifestyle, but honestly, in the next year or so, I really am not ready. But I'd like to know that in 2-4 years from now (pushing 39 at that point), that if I was ready, that he would be too.
I don't want to regret anything in 5 years from now. I already have enough regrets.