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Post by Kim Possible on Mar 27, 2009 21:13:35 GMT -5
I'm in a bad place right now, feeling depressed. The good news is, I am in therapy again. But it's not working fast enough. I've been to 3 sessions, and of course it is opening a lot of old wounds. Some of which, although helpful to discuss, are making me feel worse about myself. My ex is up to his usual antics. Making me feel like a worhtless piece of shit, and degrading my parenting skills. We had a huge blowout 2 weeks ago. I fought back, and I think I did well. But now, with this next round, I have no energy to fight it. He still thinks he controls me and calls the shots. And he does . i am letting him, and that's the impression everyone has. Speaking of everyone, I've been informed that I 'reveal too much of myself, and that makes me more vulenrable'. It's true. I am very friendly, and with that, open and honest about everything. I have no ability to keep my feelings (and my drama) to myself. So with that, I get way more opinions than I want. One of the reasons I do is b/c I feel like I have to get stuff off my chest, I can't keep my feelings inside. ANd I know it's not good to. My bf tells me I tell my roommate too much, my roommate thinks I tell my bf too much (like girly stuff) and I KNOW I tell my mother too much. So now I am trying to curtail that. And it's not easy. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Everyone knows when I am in a mood. As I posted recently, I feel like my past is affecting my current relationship. My bf and I have spent almost no time together. One might say it is due to circumstances (his mom was in the hospital for a week, and now he is 'sick'), but it just seems a bit excessive, IMO. I last saw him Sat night/Sun morning. Before that, I really don't remember when (tues, St Patty's day). I'm reaching the point where I almost don't miss him. I am getting used to not seeing him now. And ironically, he declared (the first weekend of March) that he wanted to spend more time (at least 4 nights a week) at my place. At first, I almost panicked (like we were taking things further), then I thought maybe it's time. Since that declaration, I can count on one hand the @ of nights he's spent at my house. My concern: With every guy I have been with (and it's not too many), I have heard "you guys don't spend enough time together". Both husbands, and semi-long relationship after my ex-h, prior to my current. With each of them, I got used to not seeing them. I was never demanding of anyone's time, I always felt like it made me look too needy. We're not making the time to be together, and I don't like that. We had this discussion already, this was before his deadly cold (I know, I'm being a bitch, pretty hearltess for a nurse, no less). I have no doubt that he loves me, it's very obvious. He tells me all the time. He'd do anything for me. But... I still feel lonely. I have come to the realization that I am no one's priority, and that kinda makes me sad. I don't know if I have ever been, or ever will be.
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Post by freckles on Mar 27, 2009 21:47:56 GMT -5
You should Marry him
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Post by Kim Possible on Mar 28, 2009 16:04:19 GMT -5
Is there a feature where you can ignore certain members posts?
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Post by JimB on Mar 28, 2009 21:58:59 GMT -5
Is there a feature where you can ignore certain members posts? Yes. It's called "scroll down when you see the cat and machine gun". Kim, it seems like you're surrounded by judgments. You "reveal too much of yourself". You "tell your mother too much". You "don't spend enough time together". One of the side effects of being open with people is that you're then subject to being judged by them, which can lead to judging yourself. When do you get to the point where you just have to be what you are and let everyone else deal with it? So since you're clearly surrounded by opinions, I'll throw in another one. It sounds to me like you'd benefit from finding a way to block out these other opinions and spend some time getting back to yourself. Feedback is nice, but the only opinion that counts is your own. Find some quiet time to hit the mental reset button and re-assess your priorities. It's not easy to cut other people out for any period of time, especially if you're a social animal (I'm not, so it's easier for me). But I don't really see any other way to get away from all the influences, and it's certainly okay to let those closest to you know that you plan to jump off the hamster wheel for a few days. It may sound hokey, but listening to the inner voice and feeling confident in what it's telling you can help you address many of the issues you mention. It can help keep you calm and clear when dealing with the ex's craziness. It can give you more direction and confidence in your relationship. It's not a cure-all, but I don't see any downside to making the effort.
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Post by redskyatnight on Mar 30, 2009 10:06:45 GMT -5
Jim's post is excellent. Quiet time can be uncomfortable at first, but it will eventually bring clarity.
One thing I found after leaving a controlling relationship is that I doubted everthing I did or thought. I had no confidence that my thoughts were right, that I was doint the right thing. I second guessed every decision I made all the way down to stupid things like how much toothpaste to use (Did I use too much? Is it wasteful? How much do I really need to use? If I don't use enough will it not do the job?) and which street I took when I walked (Is there too much pollution on this street? Are there enough hills to firm my backside? Am I creating more problems by walking on the street with all the parking decks?)
I talked about my problems because I needed reassurance that I was correct. My therapist helped me a lot with this. Keep up the therapy and don't doubt yourself.
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Post by jules on Mar 31, 2009 11:57:10 GMT -5
Ok, I'm just going to be blunt as some of you may recognize as my way: Screw everyone else's "impressions" and "opinions". It's YOUR life. Live for yourself. Figure out what YOU love about you, and embrace it. What makes you happy? Not what "should" make you happy, but what really does?
And screw your ex. He only has as much power as you give him. From where I stand he's an insecure little man who quite frankly isn't worth much. Once you don't care about his opinions of you, they lose any power they have over you.
As for the boyfriend, I have a new motto these days: actions speak louder than words. And no matter how much someone claims to "love", if the recipient isn't feeling it, it doesn't exist.
As for priorities -- are you your own priority? You ought to be your #1 priority. Because you're right -- you don't know if anyone else will ever make you theirs, so you should do so for yourself so you know what it's like.
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Post by redskyatnight on Apr 1, 2009 8:31:08 GMT -5
Once you don't care about his opinions of you, they lose any power they have over you. Worth repeating!
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Post by shattered on Apr 1, 2009 11:19:56 GMT -5
Don't really have any insights here.
I certainly understand the lonely bit.
Ditto on what jules and JimB said.
Sending you a big (((((HUG)))))).
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Post by Kim Possible on Apr 9, 2009 9:08:08 GMT -5
Once you don't care about his opinions of you, they lose any power they have over you. Worth repeating! Repeating it right now, and will for the rest of the day. As always, thanks to all of you. I am pissed that I still need to be here, and that my vents and posts have not changed at all in 4 years. Therapy is going well. Even though I've heard it a million times before (from other therapists, you guys, friends, family, etc), I am finally hearing it from her: My ex is mentally unstable, is controlling, has no regard for anyone's feelings, and no respect for authority. We are working on ways for me to deal with it, and for me to regain my confidence back. I quote "he has done a number on your head" No matter how many people give me the love, attention and respect I deserve, he will always be there to bring me back down. he knows exactly how to do it. He tried to do it about an hour ago. And it's not over for the day. I have to go pick up my daughter from him. This is what the issue was about. He agreed to an earlier pick up time so SHE could go on a girl scout trip. He changed his mind, b/c I told him I didn't give a shit about something (her schoolbag, trivial). So since I 'cursed' at him ( ), and b/c I wont let him pick her up 20 hours earlier than his time (I am picking her up 2.5 hours early today), he is pulling rank on me. So now, we go back to the court appointed pick up time, my daughter misses her trip, and he wins. What a winner he is. As far as my bf, things have gotten back to normal. for now. He is feeling better, mom may have to go back into the hopsital. I am off for Spring Break, and have some time to relax. We had the 'we aren't spending enough time together' talk again (this was over a week ago). It is obvious when he is with me that he loves me, and misses me when we are not together. The opinions expressed by "others" are mainly my mother. I am working on this with my therapist.
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Post by kittenhart on Apr 10, 2009 0:27:02 GMT -5
I have come to the realization that I am no one's priority, and that kinda makes me sad. I don't know if I have ever been, or ever will be. Maybe you have to make yourself your priority for awhile. (I have stopped deluding myself that I ever was or ever will be anyone else's priority.) I know it sounds cliche but you do have to make a conscious effort to care for yourself and to self-soothe or else you really aren't going to be doing right by any of those you love around you. And constantly caving to what every one else says just leaves you open to being used by certain types of people. In the end, other peoples' opinions of what you "should" do are just simply that. Take a good hard look at the woman in the mirror- don't you kind of like her? Don't you think she's been through alot already? Don't you think her exh's crazy ass judgements are kindof silly? Your compassion needs to include yourself- don't be nicer to others than you are to yourself. This is what I what I have been trying lately. I hope you get to feeling better soon.
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Post by redskyatnight on Apr 10, 2009 11:33:04 GMT -5
So since I 'cursed' at him ( ), and b/c I wont let him pick her up 20 hours earlier than his time (I am picking her up 2.5 hours early today), he is pulling rank on me. What an A$$. He can't put aside his own needs for your daughter and he's trying to make it your fault. He is definately controlling and is using whatever meand necessary to hurt you. In the process, he is hurting his daughter. You don't need him or his opinions in your life. Live your life the best way you can, do what is right and you won't have any regrets. In the end, the fact that you are living and having fun despite what he has done to you, will be the best revenge. When you pick up your daughter, keep it to business. If it gets ugly, walk away immediately. Don't ask for anything, don't expect anything. If you have to keep to the court order, do it. It will simplify you wanting something from him. Wanting him to make changes to the court order leaves you open for him to use your request to control you. He'll give you what you want, but it means there will always be a price.
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Post by jules on Apr 10, 2009 12:00:57 GMT -5
Maybe you have to make yourself your priority for awhile. (I have stopped deluding myself that I ever was or ever will be anyone else's priority.) I have come to the same realization, and agree 100%, khart. It sucks I guess, but I can either mope about how unfair it is, or take that effort I've always put into someone else and instead invest it into myself.
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Post by Kim Possible on Apr 10, 2009 20:42:51 GMT -5
I know it sounds cliche but you do have to make a conscious effort to care for yourself and to self-soothe or else you really aren't going to be doing right by any of those you love around you. And constantly caving to what every one else says just leaves you open to being used by certain types of people. I know it sounds like I am not a self-soother, but the reality is I am... and have been for a very long time. And every once in a while, I get tired of it. While I am realistic about it, in some ways I am not. I am like a little kid, stamping my feet, saying "it's not fair!!" I can't help it sometimes. It's time I get my chance to be important to someone. I love her, to be honest. I have a lot going for myself, and have overcome so much (more than just the hell that was my marriage). My adult life has been one disaster after another, with many peaks and valleys. On paper, I am in a very good place, for the most part. When I think about it, there are quite a few people who do remind of all of the positive things I have going in my life. my colleages are very good at that, God bless them. BTW, the pick-up went fine. I kind of figured it would b/c he NEVER confronts me in person, only over the phone (ummm.... coward?).
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Post by kittenhart on Apr 11, 2009 13:27:29 GMT -5
I know it sounds like I am not a self-soother, but the reality is I am... and have been for a very long time. And every once in a while, I get tired of it. While I am realistic about it, in some ways I am not. I hear ya...it does sometimes feel like "it's about time I had my turn" BTW, the pick-up went fine. I kind of figured it would b/c he NEVER confronts me in person, only over the phone (ummm.... coward?). totally. Undermining you to try to make himself feel better.
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Post by freckles on Apr 12, 2009 9:55:58 GMT -5
The Kids allways lose
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