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Post by bobfromacctg on Jan 25, 2008 9:51:02 GMT -5
Here is the situation...
The lady I am seeing is in the middle of some trauma related to her profession. She is a psychiatrist and 7 years ago she had a patient kiss her. 6 months ago the medical board found out about it and they have suspended her medical license and are forcing her to go to drug and alcohol rehad in order to get it re-instated. Needless to say she is devastated about all of this.
So, here is the problem. I have lived with trauma for 25 years during my marriage - the birth of a handicapped child, death of a child, diasnosis of epilepsy for my X, violent child and a cancer diagnosis of my handicapped child - to name a few. Now, I find that I am not sure that I have the energy to help this woman through her situation but at the same time, I would feel awful for breaking it off with her. We get along great and have a very good time - during the 'up' times. But during her lows I find that I am pulling away from her.
She slowly introduced the issues to me when we started seeing each other so my heart kind of got involved before I was fully apprised of the situation.
Any ideas?
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Post by sheyd on Jan 25, 2008 10:04:35 GMT -5
There will be stress in every life. You have had more than your fair share, to be sure, but there is still life to be lived. The only way to avoid stress is to do NOTHING. Remember when you were bored, when you felt there was little to do and you were sitting wasting away? That is because you were avoiding being active in life (because you weren't sure how). From what I can tell, you have been VERY happy with this woman.
Financially, she was in fine shape, and it sounds like all she has to do is complete treatment and she will be ok again? In the overall course of a lifetime, this is one HUGE stress for her, but it WILL get better. It is a (relatively) short term stress in a relationship with a woman who is wonderful. And hey - this stress isn't even about you! It isn't like she is asking you to change or has problems with you - she just NEEDS you.
I know how hard it is to muster the energy when your own energy level is only slowly on the rise, but a bit of extra attention now means a full energy response later? Seems worth it to me. Of course, only you know how much energy you have and how much you are willing to put out.
Shey
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Post by bobfromacctg on Jan 25, 2008 11:18:37 GMT -5
And that is the problem for me... How much energy am I willing to put out. The whole situation makes me so sad for her and I'm tired of being sad! ha.
Granted life has stresses and there is no way to get around that - that is not what I am talking about. The day to day stuff and kid related stuff is just part of the dance. Its the big issues that seem to follow me around that I have problems with. This problem of hers seems to fall into that category and with it, I have the option of dealing with it or not. I would just feel like a bum if I decided I can not handle it - she didn't get the option so why should I?
We do have a very good time during the 'up' times. Its worth holding on to at that time but during the lows, I just get tired of dealing with it.
Guess that is kind of selfish...
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Post by sheyd on Jan 25, 2008 12:12:31 GMT -5
It is kind of selfish, but sometimes we NEED to be selfish. If we don't take care of ourselves, we have nothing to give. We try to avoid it as much as possible, but only you know when you are able to "buck up" and when you aren't.
If you decide you want to stick it out, and try to be there for her, I will support you in any way you want - call me, vent, I will give pep talks, yell at you, whatever you want.
If you decide you CAN'T do it, or can't be supportive, I am not going to dock you for it. You have been through a lot. I know you have her interests at heart, and if you really CAN'T be there for her, it is better to be honest about that than have her feel you pulling away and you being an added stress for her. You are a good man, but you are only human - you have had so much happen. You can't be superman.
I wish I could help, but I know this is something you have to decide and do on your own...
Shey
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Post by freckles on Jan 25, 2008 13:08:06 GMT -5
Help Her
People who abandon those they Love when Hard Times come
Are not worth 2 Cents
You expect Her to be there for You even though you have all this Baggage
And She will
Do you expect her to be there for you
But, you not for her ?
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Post by rocko on Jan 25, 2008 13:10:07 GMT -5
Well, if you need to ditch to stay sane...then do so.
In my relationship, when kevin needed support I felt a NEED to support him. Maybe this is your heart/minds way of letting you know she isn't the right one for you.
How often are these down times? Is is just this one thing or is it many things?
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Post by bobfromacctg on Jan 25, 2008 13:35:09 GMT -5
Help Her People who abandon those they Love when Hard Times come Are not worth 2 Cents You expect Her to be there for You even though you have all this Baggage And She will Do you expect her to be there for you But, you not for her ? Ouch Freck..not really sure that was called for. I have spent the last 25 years of my life supporting sick people - and doing it gladly because that was what I, as a father/husband was supposed to do. I did it - unflinchingly. The problem now is do I want to do it some more? As for the frequency of her down times, it is almost daily now. The medical stuff is coming to a head in march and so from now until then it will be rough. When she gets really upset about all of it, she has petit mall seizures and can drop to the floor until she calms down. Fortunatly she knows the symptons and so she can plan accordingly and not get caught unprepared for a safe landing. Its just a lot for me to deal with I guess and then I feel bad for feeling that way. She is heavily relying on me for support through all of this so that makes it difficult. As for being selfish - I have started to agree with that. I was so unselfish in my marriage that it almost destroyed me. Now I have learned about boundaries and where to try and draw the line. Its a tough one for me. Thanks all. |
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Post by jules on Jan 25, 2008 14:39:25 GMT -5
I'm no good at offering relationship advice, but your post did tug at my heartstrings. I feel your dilemma. The best I can offer is to be honest with yourself and with her. You'll know in your heart what is right for you. Good luck...
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Post by rocko on Jan 25, 2008 15:34:02 GMT -5
Would you want her to stay with you if she felt the way you do?
I am not judging Iam honestly asking you this.
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Post by bobfromacctg on Jan 25, 2008 15:57:30 GMT -5
Thats a good question actually. I will have to ponder it. First blush tells me that I would be disappointed in her for wanting to bolt while at the same time, she has acknowledged that this is alot to expect someone to deal with.
Have to think about that..good question...
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Post by freckles on Jan 25, 2008 16:03:57 GMT -5
Everyone has Good and Bad times
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Post by bobfromacctg on Jan 25, 2008 16:14:05 GMT -5
Everyone has Good and Bad times That is true Freck but there are degree's. |
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Post by rocko on Jan 25, 2008 16:16:23 GMT -5
When you are dating someone and it becomes to be too much it is okay to bail. You are just dating. You are not married. The point of dating is to find out if you want more with this person. No shame it not wanting more drama in your life.
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Post by freckles on Jan 25, 2008 16:20:21 GMT -5
She passes out when stressed
Maybe she should quit working and stay at home with you as a housewife
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Post by bobfromacctg on Jan 25, 2008 16:25:02 GMT -5
She passes out when stressed Maybe she should quit working and stay at home with you as a housewife The seizures only started during this stress by the medical problems. As a psychiatrist, she has been through two medical schools and so she is a very driven personality. She never had kids due to her X husband so working is all she has known. Therefore, her staying at home and not working (no kids) is not really an option for her personality but I appreciate the idea. The other thing is that we are not married Freck. Kind of makes the whole housewife thing a bit premature. |
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