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Post by sheyd on Jan 25, 2008 17:13:08 GMT -5
One other little thing... Being in a relationship will ALWAYS require that at some point or another, you are NEEDED. Someone will be leaning on you - whether that is by crying on your shoulder or by being pissy or by being depressed - somehow, someway, it will happen. Part of the key to making it through these times is to have support for yourself OUTSIDE the relationship. When two people become isolated and "only have each other", one person being super down will eventually be too draining on the other.
What support systems do YOU have when it becomes too much? If you do choose to stick it out, you want to be good for her, and part of that is "recharging" elsewhere until she is back on her feet. Do you do things for yourself in the meantime? Do you keep active in other areas of your life so you aren't consumed by her issues? Doing this stuff may SEEM like it is taking away from your relationship, but if it allows you to really BE THERE when she needs you, instead of withdrawing, you might find you BOTH feel better in the long run.
Just knowing you a bit, hon, my guess is that you DON'T do anything to recharge, so this is a complete drain as you try to "do it all". It is ok to lean on others, so you can be there for her...
Shey
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Post by rocko on Jan 25, 2008 17:19:57 GMT -5
As usual, Shey makes perfect sense.
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Post by ionysis on Jan 26, 2008 5:33:06 GMT -5
Maybe also because of the extent of the traumas you have been through and the effect it had on your marriage - driving you and your wife further apart - you have forgotten that most often these times of trouble are what build true intimacy and trust. Your wife froze you out when things were bad. The impact on the marriage was dreadful. But you know that she was not a normal person.
If you are prepared to see her through this once you come out the other side you will have built a relationship of strength and intimacy which couldn't have been forged without the hardshship.
Don't regurgitate to her the responses you learned from your wife over the years. You know what it is like to feel someone pull away. It hurts. Especially just when you need them.
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Post by lumpy on Jan 26, 2008 14:10:07 GMT -5
Wow. Nice post, Ion.  Bob, follow your heart. It's not an easy thing to hang yourself out there, especially after having been burnt the first time. |
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Post by kittenhart on Jan 26, 2008 18:39:38 GMT -5
What support systems do YOU have when it becomes too much? If you do choose to stick it out, you want to be good for her, and part of that is "recharging" elsewhere until she is back on her feet. Do you do things for yourself in the meantime? Do you keep active in other areas of your life so you aren't consumed by her issues? Doing this stuff may SEEM like it is taking away from your relationship, but if it allows you to really BE THERE when she needs you, instead of withdrawing, you might find you BOTH feel better in the long run. Bob, I know you have had more than your share of hard times in your life and that you must be feeling pretty tired of it, wondering if love is worth taking on more of it, but March isn't that far away....maybe if you just hang in there until after this whole situation comes to a head, and see if things improve. So far, everything you've posted about this woman has sounded like she's been a good thing in your life...maybe don't decide anything just yet, wait and see how the rehab turns out? In terms of being there for her, I think Shey is right when she says you need to find some external sources of support for yourself, especially since you have learned patterns that you picked up from your marriage that probably aren't that helpful to you. If, in the end, things continue to spiral downward, then I don't think you should feel badly about cutting your losses....as Sully said, you are not married, only dating, and there are different expectations involved. Life is short and you only get the one chance at it. That being said, I think all of us here know that real life is messy and unpredictable, and that good relationships don't require each partner to put in 50%, they require both people to put in 100%. I'm sure you will make the right decision for yourself and for her. The fact that you are worried about all of this shows that you care alot. |
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Jaded
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Post by Jaded on Jan 26, 2008 23:35:44 GMT -5
How long have you been dating her?
I say that if it has not been very long and you are feeling overwhelmed that you should not feel guilty if you can't carry that load. I know i would far more appreciate a man who could be honest about what he can and cannot handle vs one who overzealously walks in like a knight in shining armor only to buckle under the pressure.
Always do what your instincts tell you. If you can't be somebody's rock right now, it's okay.
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Post by bobfromacctg on Jan 27, 2008 23:20:46 GMT -5
Wow folks, thanks for all the input. I really appreciate it!
I am too tired tonight to respond as to where I am right now but I will on the morrow.
Thanks!
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Post by crushy on Feb 2, 2008 13:41:01 GMT -5
One other little thing... Being in a relationship will ALWAYS require that at some point or another, you are NEEDED. Someone will be leaning on you - whether that is by crying on your shoulder or by being pissy or by being depressed - somehow, someway, it will happen. Part of the key to making it through these times is to have support for yourself OUTSIDE the relationship. When two people become isolated and "only have each other", one person being super down will eventually be too draining on the other. What support systems do YOU have when it becomes too much? If you do choose to stick it out, you want to be good for her, and part of that is "recharging" elsewhere until she is back on her feet. Do you do things for yourself in the meantime? Do you keep active in other areas of your life so you aren't consumed by her issues? Doing this stuff may SEEM like it is taking away from your relationship, but if it allows you to really BE THERE when she needs you, instead of withdrawing, you might find you BOTH feel better in the long run. Just knowing you a bit, hon, my guess is that you DON'T do anything to recharge, so this is a complete drain as you try to "do it all". It is ok to lean on others, so you can be there for her... Shey I read this thread until this post and knowing you, Bob, Shey is spot on AGAIN!! I remember your lows before this woman and I've not heard you this happy since meeting her (stress and all). To be perfectly honest, by the time you are our age, we all have baggage. Sounds like she's accepted yours. I know (more than many) that you have been through more in your lifetime than most of us ever will. You know I respect and adore you. My advice is to give it time. March is not too far away. This could certainly bring the two of you closer while your trials with P tore you apart. We both know the 'ironic' part of your story...which you've understandably held close to your vest, but just the same....the ironic part is there, right? Remember going for walks in that park and seeing couples and feeling alone? Wondering if you'd wasted 25 yrs of your life? You are no 'K'!!! I know it's not the same thing, but please just look down the road. Try to picture yourself with her out of your life...really out of your life. Is a life of loneliness in disappointment of imperfection worth it? Oh, man...that is profound if I do say so myself. *Crushy takes a bow* We love you. We will support you no matter what you decide. Just make sure it's what you want long-term before you act on it (which I know you do because I know you so intimately well). Crushy  |
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Post by sheyd on Feb 5, 2008 9:15:04 GMT -5
Hey, I thought you were going to update this? Where are things, how are you doing?
Shey
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Post by pennylane on Feb 5, 2008 19:34:28 GMT -5
Hey Bob,
I haven't been on much at all since the new year. Sorry to hear of your situation. You are a wonderful kind sole and one thing that I know you are NOT is selfish.
Hang in there and if anything, you can be her friend. She sounds like a good person. Give it some time.
Lots of great advise has already been said on here, so no need for me to repeat.
P
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blu
Full Member
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Post by blu on Feb 7, 2008 2:17:10 GMT -5
Bob,
I think it is both great and important that you are able to recognize that this may be soemthing that you cannot and do not need to take on.
like you I took on a whole lot in my marriage and was a caregiver for him and his whole family. In the process I lost myself and no longer put myself or the girls first. I am still healing and doing very well, but I am very careful to catch myself before agreeing to take on other "stuff".
If you can remove the wanting to do the right thing for her and the guilt of possibly not being that always great go to guy, think of it in terms of can you afford to invest in this without losing or hurting yourself?
What is in this for you and what are you getting in return? I think I already hear the answer in your reponses.
Best of luck,
Blu
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Post by bobfromacctg on Feb 7, 2008 14:28:33 GMT -5
Thanks all for the responses..I have read all of them - some of them many times over.
The problem now is that I have been diagnosed with Rumatoid Arhritis and I have absolutly NO strength. I am exhausted ALL the time - actually fatique'd is a much better description.
So, when I am not working, I'm sleeping. Its thrilling and so very frustrating. I go to the doctor next week for the next round of information - plus the lady I'm dating is a physician and she has given me some ideas.
The concerns from the original note are all still there - I just have NO energy to face them. Work and sleep..its thrilling.
THanks all. As things clear up and I get more adjusted to what ever is coming down the pike, I will comment on the kind words you all have writen.
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Post by freckles on Feb 7, 2008 16:28:52 GMT -5
MSM is good for Arhritis |
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Post by bobfromacctg on Feb 7, 2008 16:35:30 GMT -5
What is MSM?
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Post by crushy on Feb 7, 2008 17:24:35 GMT -5
The problem now is that I have been diagnosed with Rumatoid Arhritis and I have absolutly NO strength. I am exhausted ALL the time - actually fatique'd is a much better description. I just read this, Bob! I am soooooo sorry for you. Loshyra's daughter has RA and Loshyra could give you tons of information, resources for information as well as personal experience. Send her a PM. |
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Bob, follow your heart. It's not an easy thing to hang yourself out there, especially after having been burnt the first time. 
