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Post by hoodieprincess on Jan 18, 2008 22:26:54 GMT -5
:-[What do you do when your children don't want you dating? I have been doing the divorce thing for over 2.5 years and my ex has lived in Tennessee for over 2 years. I've finally started to try and get serious about the dating thing. Yes, I had a boyfriend last year for about 7 months. It was weird because we didn't do the dating thing so much, we just fell into it. We'd known eachother about 10 years so it was easy. Both of my kids seemed pretty okay with it. It didn't work, needless to say. But, I have hit that point I am really trying to start putting myself out there and build on the future I want. My daughter and I had a heart-to-heart the other night after we've had some pretty crazy and traumatic times because Mommy was going out. My son is fine with it really but with her, it's crying, tantrums, sneaking the phone without the sitter knowing and calling a million times, not going to bed, not eating, faking being sick...So, we talked. She says she's not okay with me dating. Her reason is I have 2 kids with 2 men and that's plenty of men to have had in my life. She has a weird double standard for her dad (not my exh). She doesn't care what he does and is happy with any girl he brings around (he has 3 kids with 3 women). I explained to her that Mommy wasn't going to be having any more babies. But, she just thinks that our family should stay just the 3 of us and I don't need anyone else. Help?!?! I don't know what to say or do here. I'm stuck.
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Post by Dave on Jan 18, 2008 22:29:51 GMT -5
no advice. just good thoughts. How old is she?
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Post by RO on Jan 18, 2008 22:38:13 GMT -5
I don't have real advice for you either...
I just have seen my divorced friends go through it.
I realize that it must be somewhat traumatic for the child and they feel threatened that they might lose you too.
Perhaps something deeper is going on here...just reassure them that they are the most important parts of your world...and take it slow.
HUGS.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jan 18, 2008 22:51:12 GMT -5
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Post by finding on Jan 20, 2008 14:52:19 GMT -5
She may feel that she will be replaced if you find someone new and won't have time for her anymore. Someone may have put it in her head that you don't need to be dating, etc.
I know my parents told my daughter that it is selfish of me to even consider dating and no one will ever replace her father. Now if anyone calls the house I get the third degree from her.
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Post by Kim Possible on Jan 20, 2008 15:25:52 GMT -5
Is your son older or younger (just curious). The double standard is interesting, as if she has been conditioned that a man is allowed to do this, but a woman is not. I don't know how you can explore that without sounding accusatory or jealous (that daddy is allowed to date but mommy is not). I sort of went through this with my daughter, but over time, she got used to me having someone else (meanwhile har father did for at least a year prior). There were no other "multiple daddy" situations, like with yours though. I know I may get blasted here, but the reality is you do not have to stay alone for the next 10-15 years, because she doesn't want you to date. While your life does revolve around your children, you cannot sacrifice everything in your entire life (and your happiness) for them.
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Post by lumpy on Jan 20, 2008 15:31:45 GMT -5
Is your son older or younger (just curious). The double standard is interesting, as if she has been conditioned that a man is allowed to do this, but a woman is not. I don't know how you can explore that without sounding accusatory or jealous (that daddy is allowed to date but mommy is not). I sort of went through this with my daughter, but over time, she got used to me having someone else (meanwhile har father did for at least a year prior). There were no other "multiple daddy" situations, like with yours though. I know I may get blasted here, but the reality is you do not have to stay alone for the next 10-15 years, because she doesn't want you to date. While your life does revolve around your children, you cannot sacrifice everything in your entire life (and your happiness) for them. I don't think you'll get blasted for that. You should be aware of how the situation is effecting your child but you can't let your kids dictate terms.
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Sass
Full Member
Posts: 207
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Post by Sass on Jan 20, 2008 20:19:49 GMT -5
Is your son older or younger (just curious). The double standard is interesting, as if she has been conditioned that a man is allowed to do this, but a woman is not. I don't know how you can explore that without sounding accusatory or jealous (that daddy is allowed to date but mommy is not). I sort of went through this with my daughter, but over time, she got used to me having someone else (meanwhile har father did for at least a year prior). There were no other "multiple daddy" situations, like with yours though. I know I may get blasted here, but the reality is you do not have to stay alone for the next 10-15 years, because she doesn't want you to date. While your life does revolve around your children, you cannot sacrifice everything in your entire life (and your happiness) for them. I don't think you'll get blasted for that. You should be aware of how the situation is effecting your child but you can't let your kids dictate terms. Well said, Lumpy. I agree that you shouldn't put your children's feelings on the back burner; however, you shouldn't neglect what makes you happy either. She may not be ok with it at first, but she will adapt over time. Give this one time. It will work itself out.
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Post by Dave on Jan 20, 2008 22:04:47 GMT -5
Children are children: I don't think they should dictate how you choose to live your life. who do i agree with? anyone?
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jan 21, 2008 9:01:41 GMT -5
Thanks everyone. Just for the record, my son (T) is 5. And, though my ex was my daughter's step-dad (or she just thought of him as a second dad), he's had nothing to do with her really since we split. He doen't call to talk to her. He doesn't send her things for holidays. He happened to be disapointed when I took T to the airport to meet him and didn't bring L but she didn't want to see him. I have to wonder if that does have some part to do with it. I think there are some leftover feelings of rejection that have yet to be tackled there. And, while I won't let my children decide how I live, it's hard to know how to approach it with her. She's made it hard to go on a single date for months and while I would hope someone would be understanding if I have to leave early or just can't make it, I also understand where they are coming from if they can't...I suppose only time will tell on this one.
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Post by cdngurl on Jan 21, 2008 9:27:49 GMT -5
hmmm ... very tough situation hoodie. I'm just wondering - why do your children need to know you are going on a "date". I mean, you certainly don't need to lie to them, but you also don't report to them. I'm also very concerned about the "acting out" in response to your doing your own "adult" thing. Your daughter is not in control - you are. (and boy - am I going through a similar sort of struggle right now with my six year old who thinks she has equal say in everything... sigh). What to do about it?? very good question ..
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Post by rocko on Jan 21, 2008 9:39:22 GMT -5
My (now) step-son HATED having to share his daddy with me. He on several occasions asked me when I was going to leave. I in front of him asked his dad to take him to do something with him just the two of them. like, "Kevin, why dont' you and Jacob go play soccer for a while". To show that I wasn't trying to take over.
It took Jacob more than a year and a half to accept I wasn't going away. I have several talks with him about how love is unlimited and that just because his daddy loved the boys and I that he still loved him just ask much.
I do think that Jacob had more of a problem dealing with his dad having two more kids than with him having a girlfriend.
I still see the jealousy sometimes. When I see it I ask KEvin to make sure he does a little something extra with him. Be it an extra 30 minutes of play time with him or anything.
CDNgurl mentioned "why do they have to know?". I think this is a good point. I think they should know you are going out, but I dont' think you have to tell them it is a date or just going out with the girls. They don't need to know there is anyone until you know it is someone you want to have more than two or three dates with.
Oh Jacob had just turned 7 when I first came around and he had been totally in love with Kevin's ex girlfriend. Who by the way left without saying goodbye to him. I think that is really damaging.
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JC
Full Member
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Post by JC on Jan 21, 2008 10:00:08 GMT -5
well, i guess i am in the minority here.. if james and i split up, i would not date again until the kids were a lot older. when i split from my oldests dad, it was pretty easy for my son, because he was only 9 months old. james and i got married when he was 2. and james knew that if W didnt like him if was over. if james and i split up, and i started dating it would do more damage to him than my younger 2. it gives them an environment of unstability, especially for W, because now that would be 2 daddies that he would have 'lost' while i dont believe that your children should 'dictate' your life, what you have to understand is that neither of them asked to be here, and it is your job to raise them the best way that you can. if your daughter is having a hard time with this right now, i would suggest you stop focusing so much on dating, and start focusing more on your relationship with her, and what causes her to feel this way in the first place.
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Post by rocko on Jan 21, 2008 10:13:41 GMT -5
I said that I wouldn't date again until the kids were grown, too. I am much happier now and so are the kids.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jan 21, 2008 14:01:54 GMT -5
It would be much easier to not put out there what was going on if I lived in a house of my own. But, being as I live with family, including a 15 year old sister, they tend to know what's going on just because I can't control the mouths of others. I have tried to keep things quiet as all they need to know is mom is going to have some adult time. Typically, they never know if I am gone anyway as I don't usually leave until after they are asleep. Dating however requires more time to be gone before then. The last date I went on was over a month ago. I don't get to date often really. Plus, to keep things out of the kids' reach (so-to-speak) I often have chose to make dates more like lunch dates and such while I am at work during the day and they are already occupied. I haven't in the past put a lot of focus on dating but I am at that point I'd like to a little more. The reality of it is that it won't happen much. The getting a sitter (even while living at home) thing is very difficult. But, it would be nice to go once and a while. I have very much always tried to focus extra time and attention with my kids as I know they each have their own struggles with a split household. I do agree that one of the most concerning things to me is the double standard in place. Also, with the split household, my daughter has gotten the impression for years, due to her dad, she's older than she is and that she should get to be involved in adult decisions. We struggle with that when it comes to a lot more than the dating thing. I'm just trying to find a way through this now. I deserve to be happy too, right?
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