JC
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Post by JC on Jan 2, 2008 8:54:38 GMT -5
a breif summary of my relationship- james and i have been together going on 5 years, we have 3 kids.. almost from the begining we were fucked.. he got really depressed while we were dating, and because i felt like it was me, and i was losing him, we got married. yeah i know stupid ass reason to get married but here we are. (i had already been married once, and my oldest is actually from the previous marriage) everytime we got into a good place in our marriage, we went and decided to change things up, ie 'hey we have been happy for like a month, lets have a baby!!' this is how we decided to have our two youngest. so we have had lots of stress in our short 5 years together.. i know who hasnt right? in the begining of our relationship we were BOTH emotionally abusive towards one another, and while this is something i have grown out of, he has not. it came to a boiling point when in front of the kids he called me a list of names, including cunt. that was it for me... i had decided that my kids would be happier and healthier removed from such a situation.. this was on dec 22. i have moved into my daughters room. now he wants to try to work it out.. that he is going to make an effort to not be that way anymore, that he understands he has some issues that he needs to work out. he said that he hasnt liked me for a long time, he just doesnt know how to let the anger go. but he wants to try. i have gotten to the point that i dont even want to try anymore, i just want to leave and be done with it. i feel like i owe it to my kids to try to work this out, especially if he really does want to work on his issues. that and i made a vow to love him no matter what for the rest of our lives. but i feel like i dont care, like he could change tomorrow and i still want to leave. i feel so damn selfish. where is zeke when you need him??
ok, so even though i dont post that much about my relationship, you guys are still family... so give me the swift kick in the ass that i need!!
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Post by JimB on Jan 2, 2008 9:25:10 GMT -5
I dunno - it's hard to "un-decide" these things once you've decided.
It'd be helpful if he could give you some kind of indication that he feels something towards you. Telling you he doesn't really like you but wants to try doesn't sound to me like the best motivational speech in the world - why does he want to try if he doesn't like you? And why would you want to try with someone who doesn't like you?
It may sound like progress that he is willing to admit he doesn't really like you, but I actually think it's a cop-out, unless it's accompanied by some kind of explanation WHY he doesn't like you. Without such an explanation, there's a good chance he's just being critical of you in order to dodge taking any kind of accountability himself. Regardless, IMO, you can assume his reasons for feeling that way are entirely about him and not a bit about you.
I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to set up some kind of standard for the kind of change you'd like to see, and then let him know you'll consider moving back into the marital bedroom when you see evidence of that kind of change. If it were me, the standard I'd set would be some tangible sign that he's actually looking within himself for things he can adjust for the betterment of the relationship.
You don't need an ass-kicking, JC. Just open yourself up to figuring out what it would take for you to give it another shot. Perhaps it would take quite a lot, and that's OK - just tell him. He can either handle it or he can't.
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JC
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Post by JC on Jan 2, 2008 9:34:34 GMT -5
well, his whole i dont like you speach was about him, which is commendable.. he is so anti blame with everything. but then i have to look into myself and see what it is about me, that he would rather lie to me than tell me the truth about things.. i dunno. anyway, he was talking about not being able to let go of anger towards me for things in the past. he is very much a sweep it under the rug kind of person, only to blow up later, and i guess this is the later. its just weird that its now, when i have done some truly deep soul searching within myself to make myself a better person. is it easier to yell at me more now, because i dont yell back? or is this frustrating him and making it worse? its hard to tell with him, there is NEVER a good time to talk with him.
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Post by JimB on Jan 2, 2008 9:40:59 GMT -5
So perhaps one of your criteria for giving it another shot would be "James, you need to find more appropriate ways to express your feelings, and commit to changing over to these new ways." It's hard for you to know what you need to do for the good of the relationship without feedback from your partner. Without that feedback, you're just guessing.
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JC
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Post by JC on Jan 2, 2008 9:48:00 GMT -5
good point, but at the same time, i think i might just be saying the same damn crap over and over instead of actually stating what i need from him. thanks jim! i think he feels 'against the ropes' as soon as we start talking and gets defensive. but i dont know how to change that i read in a magazine, that women think they are trying a different approach when talking about stuff to their mates, but in actuality they are doing and saying the same stuff over and over again. i know this has been a problem of mine, i can see the glazed look in his eyes almost immediatly.
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ladyj
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Post by ladyj on Jan 2, 2008 9:50:11 GMT -5
You cannot change how he communicates. Only he can decide to do that. He learned his patterns many moons ago before he ever met you. When I was living with my ex before my ex, he too would avoid, push things under the carpet, shut down. I tried everything I could think of to change this. Nothing worked as he did not recognize the need to change, nor wanted to. good point, but at the same time, i think i might just be saying the same damn crap over and over instead of actually stating what i need from him. thanks jim! i think he feels 'against the ropes' as soon as we start talking and gets defensive. but i dont know how to change that i read in a magazine, that women think they are trying a different approach when talking about stuff to their mates, but in actuality they are doing and saying the same stuff over and over again. i know this has been a problem of mine, i can see the glazed look in his eyes almost immediatly.
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Post by rocko on Jan 2, 2008 9:52:54 GMT -5
I don't know what the hell to tell you. It is supposed to be forever, but forever is conditional. Abuse (be it physical or emotional) is damaging. Not just little surface stuff, but big bruises to the inner you.
JimB is a wise man. I do think you should set specific goals for him and if he doesn't meet them stick to your plan and leave. You say you owe it to the kids to try, but you also owe it to you. BEing out there with three kids on your own is hard stuff. Give it a little try with you staying in another room. Maybe this is his wake up call.
I know a little more than what is in this post....are you on anything for your depression? have you two went to marriage counseling? you in individual counseling?
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JC
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Posts: 205
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Post by JC on Jan 2, 2008 10:03:10 GMT -5
we havent gone to any counseling yet. my doctor put me on prozac, which was starting to feel like it was helping, but i got all messed up with my doses over the holidays so now i feel all whacky..
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Post by rocko on Jan 2, 2008 10:07:39 GMT -5
could the feeling wacky be effecting your emotions and messing up your emotions enough to make it hard to make decisions withyour brain instead of your emotions? that sounded stupid, but I know what I meant....do you?
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Post by wizer on Jan 2, 2008 10:12:09 GMT -5
He's just going through the motions right now. He's telling you what you want to hear. Although change is possible, it doesn't happen that fast, even under the "bestest" of conditions. If there is ANY chance of working things out, you need time and space.
Why dont you suggest to him that you would consider giving it another try, but he must move out and get his own place so the two of you can work through your conflicting feelings without the stress of being in each other's face. If you have not yet done counseling, then do that as well.
If things improve, great. At the very least, him being away from you will be good motivation for change on his part. If things don't work out, he's already out of the house and its a big step in the right direction if divorce is in the cards.
If he refuses to leave, even on a "trial basis", well then you have no choice and you can proceed for divorce with no guilt because you are out of options.
My 2 cents. I know I am not "zeke", sorry.
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Post by rocko on Jan 2, 2008 10:14:31 GMT -5
If her finaces are like us normals living seperately is not really a good option finacially.
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JC
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Post by JC on Jan 2, 2008 10:17:41 GMT -5
i know what you are saying shanna, but this started before the prozac whacky thing. but i am keeping that in mind, which is why i havent done anything else.
he wont move out of the house, he says he doesnt have anywhere to go... we have been able to stay out of each others faces alright with me not staying in the same bed as him.. but then again the daily crap can set things off too.. i worked yesterday, on a freakin holiday no less, and he has been off for 2 weeks.. i walked in last night to the kids still in pj's and the house being a total wreck.. i was pissed. after 2 weeks at home, he could at least clean up after himself. ugh.
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Post by rocko on Jan 2, 2008 10:39:35 GMT -5
My husband had 11 days off...I had my regular weekends off and New years day.
I still did the cleaning and crap. He did the dishes after I bitched.
It is soooo frustrating.
I hope you all can work things out, but if you can't then you can't. That is okay, too. I know I left my exh and it was the best thing I have ever done.
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Post by freckles on Jan 2, 2008 10:56:02 GMT -5
i know what you are saying shanna, but this started before the prozac whacky thing. but i am keeping that in mind, which is why i havent done anything else. he wont move out of the house, he says he doesnt have anywhere to go... we have been able to stay out of each others faces alright with me not staying in the same bed as him.. but then again the daily crap can set things off too.. i worked yesterday, on a freakin holiday no less, and he has been off for 2 weeks.. i walked in last night to the kids still in pj's and the house being a total wreck.. i was pissed. after 2 weeks at home, he could at least clean up after himself. ugh. People should sit down and think I dont know it it will Help but here it is If You give each other Bad , it will get Very Bad
If You give each other Good, it will get Very GoodThat is the Truth When People get Married, they are no longer thier own Person They are the Other Persons You Own the Other Person They Own You They other Person is Your Life You are thier Life Forgetting that and living like Brother/Sister that Fight and Squable Will NOT Work because You are Not Brother/Sister You are * One Flesh * / One Person Give Love with all Your Heart and Soul Just my 2 Cents P.S. If you do that AND the Other Person does that It will Work P.S. 2 If you do that AND the Other Person Still gives Hostility/Mean/Hate Then You will know that You did Your Very Best and that while the Storm/Hurracane rages around you You will be OK
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Post by freckles on Jan 2, 2008 10:58:25 GMT -5
P.S. Prozac is Evil = Bad Bad Bad
Mental Pills mess up your Mind
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