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Post by ionysis on Feb 16, 2008 1:05:13 GMT -5
I tried. I really did try so hard. But it wasn't enough. He didn't do anything to show me he cared. And I just couldn't handle him still seeing the Chechen girl. He wanted to take it slowly, start as friends but that just wasn't enough for me. I needed him to do something, say something which showed me he loved me - and he couldn't do that. He never could before and he still can't. It hurts just the same as before. It hurts so so much and I just can't bear it. I run and run along the sea front until I can't run any more from the pain in my side but I can't run through the pain. He is the love of my life and all that I've ever wanted was for him to love me but he can't. And I can't bear it. I can't bear this - again. Again and again. And even after so long and so many hurts it still cuts me just as deep as the very first time.
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Post by crushy on Feb 16, 2008 1:38:17 GMT -5
Ionysis ~ I'm sorry you're in such pain. You express yourself so well. I know you tried, but the fact is no matter how hard or good someone is, the other party is not always emotionally equipped to return the love and affection like we give it. I strongly suspect once you have been away from him longer and you begin to heal, you will begin to gain the perspective that makes you wonder why you loved him so much in the first place (especially when it was not returned in to the same degree). If I recall correctly, you were the one that had to go collect the rest of your things and saw her clothes there. That was you, right? If so, is he still w/ her? You are strikingly beautiful, very intelligent and have a huge heart. You have so much going for you. You have a lot to offer someone else, but you need to know how great you are alone first. Like you, I ached at first and yet now I have enough perspective to know my ex never was who I thought I was and never was the man I loved so much. Who has your kitty now? Is he or she still using your sink for a litter box? My kitty is still psycho as ever. My neighbors and sons' friends call before they come over so we can put him in the bathroom. They need to make 'Beware of Kitty' signs. Hang in there, girl. I think you are much closer to putting him behind you than you realize. Crushy
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Post by prairienomad on Feb 16, 2008 2:27:34 GMT -5
Ionysis ... I can imagine how painful this must be. You were willing to try again and you opened up your heart right at the time when you were starting to heal. You hoped against hope, and were left with no hope.
Nothing will make this better right this very second. Just keep crying and letting it out. And don't feel bad that you took a chance. You are the strong one --- who is able to love, and you did this again. You are such a strong woman because you are capable of such beautiful, passionate love. This love has cost you greatly --- your very heart -- but it is your heart that will mend again and love again. Just right now you will go through the pain again. It will pass but right now it probably seems unbearable.
Remember that you ARE loved ... maybe not by him, but by many other friends, family. By your Hugthat friends.
Take care. Big (((((HUGS))))).
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Post by crushy on Feb 16, 2008 4:30:15 GMT -5
prairienomad is right. We're all here for you. I can't say it any better than prairie did, only add my 2 cents now that I have more information on your situation. I apologize, but I haven't been around much and had no idea you'd given it a second try until I read prairienomad's post. I think it shows your great capacity to love and forgive to try again. I know you're in terrible pain right now, but I think you can find solace in the fact you can look back and know you did everything you could....and he blew it. While it hurts more now, I think you are going to be able to focus on the fact he didn't have it in him to do what it takes and you are lucky you found out now rather than later. Your friends here are pulling for you. You will begin to heal again and we are there to hold you up as much as possible while you achieve it. Take care... Crushy
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Post by RO on Feb 16, 2008 10:35:57 GMT -5
Hey,
I am sorry that you are hurting. I know that we have talked about this before...but really, I think you torture yourself by allowing him in your life.
I realized a little too late that your goodness can be manipulated by someone toxic. Just when you start to feel good...they pop back up to disrupt your life.
You are beautiful, intelligent, and a lot stronger than you ever give yourself credit for. Look around at all the people that love you...
Run...run at the Sea... Thats what I do...well, for me it is a river...but still. I run until I am spent.
Hang in there...
Hugs.
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Post by kittenhart on Feb 16, 2008 14:10:12 GMT -5
Ionysis, We are here for you and we appreciate you....even if he never will. And he never will. Because he is an idiot man-child with the foresight of a fly. You have always deserved better... Let the Chechen whore have him This will pass, just take deep breaths and keep running.
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Post by jules on Feb 16, 2008 16:41:34 GMT -5
He never could before and he still can't. Ionysis, he is the one who isn't enough. He is not enough for you. You need more and deserve more. You are more than enough. You love fully with a whole heart. You are whole. You deserve someone who is whole and who is capable of loving fully. Your words are beautiful, and so is your spirit. I wish you much luck on your journey to reclaim your heart for yourself.
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Post by ionysis on Feb 17, 2008 0:31:07 GMT -5
Thank you guys so much. I just seem to lurch from one emotional crisis to another these days. Every weekend at least one day or night is spent in hysterical tears for some reason to do with him. I am just so terrified of him (emotionally) that I wind myself into a state of hysteria. And it hurt me so much that he hadn't tried to "woo" me in any way. After all the things that had happened I thought he would at least try to make me feel special. I didn't even get flowers or a card on valentines day. He said "I thought about getting you something but then didn't know if it was the right thing to do or not so I didn't. But it's the thought that counts right?". Then he gave the Chechen money girl to buy herself a new dress and took her out for dinner on Friday to an expensive restaurant - he hasn't taken me out once since he came back into my life. That cut me to the bone.
He came back again yesterday morning after I wrote this. He promised he'd try harder, be more thoughtful and loving, tried to explain his reasoning. He said that he never thinks to buy Amina anything but that she literally is penniless and he gives her money because i makes him feel good, the same way he bought our cleaner a ticket back to Sri Lanka so she could go see her family. he said he likes Amina and he looks after her but she isn't a "friend" because he doesn't speak to her about himself only tries to help her with her problems. He had promised her a long time ago that he would take her out to the Emirates Palace because she wanted to go there.
He said that he wanted us to just try to get on well and be sensible and be honest and be friends, he didn't want to sweep the real issues between us under a carpet of romance and flowers and sentimentality because that would mean we weren't seeing the relationship in the cold light of day. He said that if we were going to have a marriage that works we need to build solid foundations based on communication and friendship and that if he overwhelmed me with gifts and passion and hollywood style moments we would never know whether underneath all that trash the roots were solid. He said that once we were sure we had those roots then we could allow the romance and the love and the passion back in but we have to start with a friendship first (hence why we are not sleeping together). He said he wasn't going anywhere, that it didn't matter how difficult it was he would be there tomorrow, and the day after and the day after that and for as long as it took but we have to be adults about everything and not drown in melodrama and sentimentality.
I wish I could believe that he truly does love me and that he isn't going to suddenly turn around and change his mind again. I just find it so very, very hard to trust him now. I wonder if this is my fault? If I could just let go of the past and believe that he cares and that he really is trying to do the right thing (albeit screwing up all the time) then maybe things could work. But I'm so scared of him.
Ugh. There is so much water under the bridge...I knew trying to reconcile (or as he puts it "see if things can work out") would be hard but not this hard. I feel like we fall off a cliff time and again and I have to get up, dust myself down and keep trying, keep putting myself through the wringer, keep risking myself in the tiny hope that maybe, despite everything we could work things out. I don't know how I keep doing this to myself. But I love him. I've only ever loved him.
All my resolutions to keep my emotions separate and not to fall back into the position where I'd be devastated if this didn't work have completely been swamped. But over the course of the last 6 weeks I've flipped out so many times and each time he has been unbelieveably patient and talked me through everything and tried to work out ways through whatever the latest crisis is. He hasn't ONCE talked about walking away no matter how irrational or angry or upset or difficult I've been (and I have been). And this from the man who used to use every tiny thing to contribute to his picture of our prospective marriage as fatally flawed. He has changed, in lots of small ways. I just don't know if he has changed enough. Or in the right ways. Or if he really knows how he feels now.
Its all such a blessed mess!
I don't know if he can ever make me feel special to him, or if I can ever trust him again not to leave me or hurt me. I wonder how many "chances" are in me to give him. How many times can I get over a night of tears and start afresh before I get to the point where I cannot do this to myself anymore? I guess we'll see how this time goes. Once more...
Another week of trying to keep calm, keep stable, trying to be friendly and loving, trying to talk calmly about things which make me want to burst into tears, taking care of each other's feelings, trying to keep the anger and the hurt under control, trying to be logical and sensible and kind rather than emotionally volatile, defensive, and raw with old but still unhealed wounds.
And I haven't even dared to tell any of my old friends from home or my family that I'm even speaking to him again....Goodness knows what their reaction would be!
God this is so hard, and I'm so weak.
It does make such a difference to be able to pour everything out here though. I know that if I was reading someone's post I'd be thinking "What the hell is she DOING!?! - RUN!" But I just can't seem to do that. I still love him you see.
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Post by Mod (PQ-Kermie) on Feb 17, 2008 8:24:05 GMT -5
"I feel like we fall off a cliff time and again and I have to get up, dust myself down and keep trying"
Sounds more like he keeps pushing you off a cliff and wanting you to climb back up so he can do it all over again... and while your climbing back up to him.. he is off doing whatever and with whom ever he wants. I think its time you start looking for another ledge to climb.
Love is only as good as it is given back. You are scared because you have never loved another.. that fear is making you think that you love him more.
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Post by JimB on Feb 17, 2008 15:04:56 GMT -5
I still love him you see. But what do you love? Your choices in life are exactly that - your choices. Well and good. But you throw in that bit about loving him as if you had no choice in the matter. I was just having this conversation with a friend last night, and it's a topic that came up on OJar over and over again. Love is not a precious jewel thrown in your path by some whim of fate. It's something you choose. And it's really hard, but you can choose to turn away from a love you know to be flawed. I understand that we here get to hear more of the negatives than the positives, but the kind of negatives you describe with this man are more than enough to justify moving on. So you love him. So what? Why do you cling so tenaciously to this love? Don't you believe you can have a love just as good, with someone who can express his love through loving actions, not empty promises? If not, why not? It's not really such a mess as you make it out to be. In fact, it's very simple. It's not a relationship between equals - he holds all the power. He knows how strongly you feel about him, and whether it's conscious or not, he is abusing that knowledge. He knows your love is unconditional, so he doesn't have to follow through on his promises. You will love him anyway, and you'll forgive him because his intentions are good. Sometimes there are better ways to love someone than through misguided loyalty and implied validation of all points of his character, good and bad. Obviously you hold the love you've shared with this man very dear, and I wouldn't begrudge you that. But there are ways to preserve the love while leaving the object of that love behind. If you so choose. I'm sorry if I seem harsh in any way. It's just frustrating to see you continue to hurt yourself, and I don't understand it. If you know of a way to explain it to my dumb self, I'd be very appreciative.
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Post by blazinheart on Feb 17, 2008 22:00:50 GMT -5
Love is not a precious jewel thrown in your path by some whim of fate. It's something you choose. And it's really hard, but you can choose to turn away from a love you know to be flawed. I don't often agree with Jimb on the subject of love, but this statement is dead on and extremely relevant. Well said jimb.
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Post by J (Hot Mess) on Feb 17, 2008 22:03:00 GMT -5
Love is not a precious jewel thrown in your path by some whim of fate. It's something you choose. And it's really hard, but you can choose to turn away from a love you know to be flawed. How? Please tell us. Please!
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Post by jules on Feb 17, 2008 23:28:56 GMT -5
Love is not a precious jewel thrown in your path by some whim of fate. It's something you choose. And it's really hard, but you can choose to turn away from a love you know to be flawed. How? Please tell us. Please! Maybe by loving yourself? (Speaking purely in the hypothetical here.)
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Post by ionysis on Feb 18, 2008 0:55:10 GMT -5
"Love" sounds too trite and too fairy story. What I find so impossible to walk away from is more than that. It's when you think the same way as someone, when your brains work the same way and you understand someone inside out. You may not act the same or do the same or live your life the same but you "get" each other in a way which is incredibly rare. I have never found another human being who I fundamentally connect with and understand so profoundly - on absolutely every level. He is not perfect, I know that very well indeed but I know the worst of him, I know the darkest parts of him and vice versa and that connection is still not broken by the knowledge.
We get on so well, we never annoy each other on a superficial level, we never bore each other, the physical connection is 100% (something I've never found with anyone else - and trust me there have been many), but most importantly our brains are hardwired the same even though our upbringings and backgrounds are very different.
I am not inexperienced in relationships. I have had several long term partners, many lovers, a huge number of male friends. I'm 30. In every single one of those dozens of relationships, scores of physical entanglements, hundreds of friendships, I have never found this with anyone else and it was there right from the start so is not merely a product of time spent together.
But there is a trade off. I know this is flawed, terribly flawed in so many ways - HE certainly is and more and more I believe I am also. I just have to try and see if I can work round those flaws and build something which makes the most of the strengths and tries to manage the issues. It hurts so much trying to do it, like trying to run with a broken leg, but I just feel like I HAVE to try.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this "fit" we have isn't unique, perhaps there are a million people out there who I just haven't met yet who I might be able to find this connection with. But I don't believe that right now. Hence this continual cycle I'm going through.
I know it is frustrating and upsetting for my friends and family to see me doing this. They cannot understand why i just can't walk away, cut my losses and say enough is enough. They are tired of watching me hurt and trying to support me through this. Perhaps there will come a point when I cannot do it anymore, when I have to give up and walk away. But I can't do it yet. He is a part of me, we are cut from the same cloth and since I first fell in love with him it has been him and only him who I've wanted to be with.
I suppose the closest analogy in simple terms is it is like the relationship between Robert Redford and Meryl Streep in Out of Africa. He can't give her everything she wants, she needs him to be there for her and to love her utterly, he needs his own space and life and cannot bear to live his life according to anyone else's rules but his own. But despite the pain she cannot let him go because the way she feels when they are together almost, almost makes up for the pain she feels when he leaves each time.
This is a choice. I know it. But I choose him. I will always choose him. He is white and skinny and bald and hairy and stooped with flaking skin and hair that he hasn't had cut in 3 months and very basic standards of personal hygiene. He smokes 30 a day, has an anxiety disorder, depression, ADD, a family that I can't stand and has shut himself off from all his friends. He has lied to me, left me, had a mental breakdown, slept with prostitutes and told me I am too fat to spend his life with. And he is the man I choose to be with, for so many, many reasons. The negatives I KNOW. But I know the positives too. And I know him.
I don't know if this will work out. But I know I have to keep trying.
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Post by sheyd on Feb 18, 2008 10:20:09 GMT -5
I had a love like that once. He had to leave me to end it, I never would have left. It took incredible strength for him to do it, and frankly we kept holding on like you are through SEVERAL more years. Now we still speak - about once a year.
Honestly, I have never felt that same connection again. With more time away, though, I realize I don't WANT to. Part of that feeling of connection is deliberately deluding yourself. If you are honest, you will admit it. You build them (and the connection) up in your mind. It makes you and them and the "us" special that way. You tell yourself no one else could ever feel this way. You make a nod to reality by conceding maybe someone could, but internally you tell yourself no one REALLY could. Then you read other people's stories and realize others DO... and from the outside you realize how unhealthy it is.
When you are that close to someone, you "ride the rollercoaster". Every look, every touch, every lack makes you fly or slam to the ground. You become so afraid of losing the highs, you panic and get jealous and cling. When you ARE on a high with them, reality doesn't matter. You push every bit of it out to enjoy the moment. When reality pushes back in, you crash a bit. Your whole world revolves around that person. This is a hard ride to leave - it is very exciting, and you feel so close to someone - being without it feels so alone at first. This emphasizes that thing you are telling yourself, that this can't be being felt by anyone else. Noone else could hurt this much, or they wouldn't be surviving it. (Honestly, I almost didn't survive the pain).
If you want to know how you do it, how you get over it? You stay away. Completely away. Doing that at first will induce panic. The way to get rid of that panic is to give yourself a deadline. This isn't staying away "forever" - it is just for 2 years. That will seem like forever, so then you remind yourself that something like you feel won't go away in that time, so it is ok. Then comes the REAL key. You want to be someone they will enjoy being with at the end of that time frame you have set aside. (By the way - the time frame HAS to be long enough - or no new habits will have time to take root). You take that time to really learn to enjoy your life, to know yourself, so you can share who you are with them when you get back. That means you have to DO things, MEET people, HAVE adventures, ENJOY life - or you will have no good stories to tell them, no worthwhile person to give them. If you have identified flaws in yourself, take that time to fix them. If there are goals you have that you didn't have time for when you were involved with them - pursue them. Make yourself the person you want to be. After you are away for awhile, when the worst pangs are gone, examine yourself and your relationships - not just with "that special person" - but ALL of your relationships. What could you do better? Where did you not do things, where did you do too much, where did you blind yourself, where were you too critical?
If, at the end of two years, you still want to contact them, you will KNOW yourself, you will have a REAL and FULL life without them, and you can both decide if what you have is even possible to make good. I DID still want to talk to him - still do sometimes. However, I now know I don't want to be "one person" with him or anyone else. I lose too much of the rest of my life. I think I actually have a stronger and better love now than I ever did with that "soul-mate" person. I am not blind anymore.
Shey
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