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Post by jules on Jan 9, 2008 14:03:18 GMT -5
So since I got married in the Catholic church, I need to get an annulment through the church, otherwise I'll still be considered married to my ex, despite a legal divorce. My priest (the priest who married us, who, in the end, advised me to get a divorce) has said he will help me through this process to make it easier on me.
I never really knew what it entailed. I just found out yesterday that the total fee is $500 for "costs". I wanted to know what "costs". Apparently my "request" for annulment gets to go before some panel who get to decide whether or not my grounds for an annulment are valid. So essentially strangers get to decide whether or not I'm still married in the eyes of the Church.
I'm been a Catholic all my life, born and raised, going to Catholic school, making all of the sacraments, going to church, blah blah blah. Yes, I've (strongly) disagreed with the politics, and have made no secret of that. But it's a part of my heritage, and a part of my cultural identity.
However this really pissed me off.
Who in the hell are these people to get to make a decision like that about MY life? They are not God. And I get to pay them to judge me and my life and my mistakes??
I told my mother I'd love to have a meeting with the archbishop and tell him exactly how I feel about this annulment bullshit. That it's simply a way to make money off of people's miseries. And it's wrong. Now she's all upset with me. But I'm serious.
I've been upset with the Church before on their ludicrous views on social issues. But it's never hit quite so close to home for me before. And I'm angry.
To put the icing on the cake, this priest told my mother that he had his doubts about our marriage from the very beginning, but it was just a gut feeling, nothing tangible, so he didn't say anything. Sure. Now that everything is said and done, he saw it coming all along YET never said anything during the 6 months of pre-cana sessions prior to our wedding. That basically says to me that the Church has no business being involved in marriages at all.
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Post by RO on Jan 9, 2008 14:08:58 GMT -5
So since I got married in the Catholic church, I need to get an annulment through the church, otherwise I'll still be considered married to my ex, despite a legal divorce. My priest (the priest who married us, who, in the end, advised me to get a divorce) has said he will help me through this process to make it easier on me. I never really knew what it entailed. I just found out yesterday that the total fee is $500 for "costs". I wanted to know what "costs". Apparently my "request" for annulment gets to go before some panel who get to decide whether or not my grounds for an annulment are valid. So essentially strangers get to decide whether or not I'm still married in the eyes of the Church. I'm been a Catholic all my life, born and raised, going to Catholic school, making all of the sacraments, going to church, blah blah blah. Yes, I've (strongly) disagreed with the politics, and have made no secret of that. But it's a part of my heritage, and a part of my cultural identity. However this really pissed me off. Who in the hell are these people to get to make a decision like that about MY life? They are not God. And I get to pay them to judge me and my life and my mistakes?? I told my mother I'd love to have a meeting with the arch-bishop and tell him exactly how I feel about this annulment bullshit. That it's simply a way to make money off of people's miseries. And it's wrong. Now she's all upset with me. But I'm serious. I've been upset with the Church before on their ludicrous views on social issues. But it's never hit quite so close to home for me before. And I'm angry. To put the icing on the cake, this priest told my mother that he had his doubts about our marriage from the very beginning, but it was just a gut feeling, nothing tangible, so he didn't say anything. Sure. Now that everything is said and done, he saw it coming all along YET never said anything during the 6 months of pre-cana sessions prior to our wedding. That basically says to me that the Church has no business being involved in marriages at all. I feel your pain jules... I was in a fight with my parents for the past year because of my not wanting to go for the annullment. I went and talked to the priest and he infuriated me to a level I had never seen in myself. I felt that it was a betrayal to my beliefs, to who I am. I chose NOT to do it. I have left the Catholic church...I am in the midst of finding a spiritual home right now and still on that journey. I was not willing to involve my family nor my friends in this huge outpouring of needless waste of emotions and bring up issues that I would rather not let them know. So some panel (?) can decide whether or not my divorce is acceptible and for this...they can charge me a $$... I was told that it would take up to a year...that I would need 3 witnesses that had known me and intimate details of what led to my divorce and fill out all of those questionaires...and that my ex would have to be contacted and fill one out as well. I will not be put through all of that. I have no desire to relive that event...and if it means not being a "true" Catholic...so be it!
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Post by rocko on Jan 9, 2008 14:22:59 GMT -5
That does seem to be a bit much. I understand not wanting divorce to be easy, but there is a point in which it is too much.
3 friends that know the intimate details of why you are getting divorced. Are you kidding me? I didn't tell people I know in RL about the real issues. I had a friend that stood by me thru the cheating and stuff, but she couldnt' tell the other things that were wrong besides that.
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Post by RO on Jan 9, 2008 14:25:33 GMT -5
That does seem to be a bit much. I understand not wanting divorce to be easy, but there is a point in which it is too much. 3 friends that know the intimate details of why you are getting divorced. Are you kidding me? I didn't tell people I know in RL about the real issues. I had a friend that stood by me thru the cheating and stuff, but she couldnt' tell the other things that were wrong besides that. Yes, and that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I am ashamed of what my exh did to me...and I will NOT let my parents or my brother know about it... I refused to let people see what was really going on...I have come to terms with it and I do not need to relive it for anyone. I believe in a forgiving God and I believe that the God I believe in would not have wanted me to stay in that marriage. I did everything I could to make it work.
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Post by rocko on Jan 9, 2008 14:27:26 GMT -5
I went to a chaplain for counseling before I left and so did my ex. My chaplain watched my husbands therapy and our group therapy thru the one way mirror glass and he told me, "you know the Bible says it is okay for you to leave."
I left.
I don't need everyone in my RL to know all the crud.
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Post by jules on Jan 9, 2008 14:36:01 GMT -5
I know of one person who knows more of all of the sordid details more than anyone (including me, quite honestly) -- my ex's former best friend. Other friends of his and mine know details (more than I've shared on internet message boards) but it's all he said/she said. Since when are friends intimately involved in each others' marriages? And if my ex needs to do anything, even fill out a form, forget it. He won't do it. Heck I don't even know his address.
Regardless, the whole principle of the thing is what angers me most. I know without a doubt that I have no choice but to get out of this marriage. Seriously, with all of the troubles in this world, poverty, abuse, injustice, etc., they really have no other better use for their time than creating a panel to decide whether or not to dissolve MY marriage?
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Post by sheyd on Jan 9, 2008 14:38:32 GMT -5
I think this has been a complaint about the catholic religion throughout history, actually (they used to make money by making sure bibles were not "readable" by the people so they could charge for the priviledge of knowing God's word). My mom was raised strict catholic, but did not get an anullment either of the two times she divorced my dad. She still attends the catholic church, she just doesn't take communion. Other catholics I know still do take communion - it depends upon your priest/congregation. Don't give up your belief system due to frustration over politics... even within the same religion, there are differences with each church.
Shey
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Post by rocko on Jan 9, 2008 14:44:33 GMT -5
Someone I met within the last 6 months said that his mother's marriage to his father was annuled by the catholic church. According to the church that marriage never exsisted and therefore the person I met is now a bastard?? I thought the "panel" couldn't approve an annulment if kids were involved.
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Post by RO on Jan 9, 2008 14:48:36 GMT -5
For me, I would have been forced to drag my parents and brother into it...and I was not willing to do it.
Yes, his best friends that enabled his addictions know a good deal but I cut them out of my life...and they didn't know us from the start to the end of the marriage which is what is required!
Sheyd,
Yes, I know a lot of Catholics that don't believe in some sacraments and still go on their path within the Catholic system. There are plenty of churches to choose from. In MY circumstances...when I needed it the most...it failed me...that is my experience...
Yes, I think marriage is a sacrament and I did not nor do take it lightly but I will not go forth with the annulment and that has made me (in my eyes) feel unwelcome to all the Catholic church has to offer...that is MY experience and how I feel now...coming full circle.
To each his own...and what works for you...great...my parents FINALLY understand that.
My brother did not get an annulment...he remarried a Jewish woman and they are blissfully happy...
It is much more than the annulment and it is a personal journey for each individual...maybe I would feel differently if I had explored it and started it right away during the divorce...but I cannot nor will relive it...
I am at peace with my decision...
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Post by RO on Jan 9, 2008 14:51:29 GMT -5
Someone I met within the last 6 months said that his mother's marriage to his father was annuled by the catholic church. According to the church that marriage never exsisted and therefore the person I met is now a bastard?? I thought the "panel" couldn't approve an annulment if kids were involved. No, I would have to look at the official wording...maybe jules can tell you...all of my documentation is at home... They word it very "carefully" if you have children... Only you know if he is a bastard...LOL! Sorry, bad joke...
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Post by jules on Jan 9, 2008 15:03:13 GMT -5
Someone I met within the last 6 months said that his mother's marriage to his father was annuled by the catholic church. According to the church that marriage never exsisted and therefore the person I met is now a bastard?? I thought the "panel" couldn't approve an annulment if kids were involved. No, I would have to look at the official wording...maybe jules can tell you...all of my documentation is at home... They word it very "carefully" if you have children... Only you know if he is a bastard...LOL! Sorry, bad joke... I don't know. No kids involved here, so it doesn't really apply to me. I do know people who have gotten annulments who have had children. I also know people who have refused to get annulments because the church would see their children as illegitimate. It all seems very wrong to me.
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Post by sheyd on Jan 9, 2008 15:11:46 GMT -5
I am at peace with my decision... And that is all that really matters, in the end! (and realize, I make no judgements on this - I am actually don't attend church at all...) Shey
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Post by rocko on Jan 9, 2008 15:12:00 GMT -5
The man I speak of was offended that his mother had done that.
Since he is my age it doesn't really affect anything at this point.
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Post by RO on Jan 9, 2008 15:42:24 GMT -5
I am at peace with my decision... And that is all that really matters, in the end! (and realize, I make no judgements on this - I am actually don't attend church at all...) Shey Oh, Shey...I hope you didn't think I was thinking you were making judgements... I just know that everyone has a strong passion for their beliefs whatever they are... This is just my experience...nothing more...nothing less... Yes, my well being...and my peace are what matters most to me... To each his own...in the imperfect world we live in.
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Post by freckles on Jan 9, 2008 16:07:49 GMT -5
If you have Sex with Someone , you are Now Married to that Person How do you think Adam & Eve were Married And Everyone way back then They had Sex That was what made them Married P.S. If You have Sex with more than One Person You are Now Married to many many People
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