Post by Phoenixx on Mar 16, 2008 23:55:38 GMT -5
I find it weird to compose one letter dedicated to you, even one that you will never read. I find it difficult. It has been a month, and still I have not cried. I wanted to, tonight. After we talked about what friendship meant to us. To each of us. Your friendships are not mine, and I cannot be that to you. I am not okay with you calling me once or twice a year to say hello. And just because it is who you are, does not mean I have to accept it. And Im sorry, because a part of me feels that if I just let you go to do your own thing, this could actually work out for a great benefit of us both. But at the same time, I dont want to. I was so close to being done. Another six months of no contact and I would have been fine. I claw at the ground I have gained, and I refuse to lose even a millimeter.
I loved you to an extent you cannot fathom. You constantly talk about how difficult it was for you, but did you ever stop to think how hard it was for me? I dont want to keep bringing it up, but each time you use that to justify your behaviour. Why? Why? I cannot excuse it or forgive it. I dont want to slip, trip, fall and bust my heart. Its not fair. How can you say that you will be there for me when the first chance to prove it you fucked up so royally? I dont want to do this anymore. And I dont.
I just need you to realise that one day, you're gonna have to work for what you want. If you say you want a friendship, freaking try harder. Dont let me dangle, because God knows that this time I wont be the one reaching out. I wont even be dangling.
I know you want a friendship. I know you want us to be close - but my version of close and yours are different. I guess what it comes down to is that I dont trust you to be a friend. Even one I only talk to once in a while, which really is the only type of friends we can be, since talking to you all the time freaks me out. I dont want to count you amongst my friends because you havent behaved like one. And frankly you havent deserved the right. Or earned it back yet.
I guess we'll figure it out. I guess we'll either fade or become stronger, but either way wont be of my effort. I am done making an effort. I dont want to make a bleeding effort. You do what you want to. And if that happens to include being a friend of mine, then go for it. But if not....Goodnight and goodbye. Know that I never wished you hard. Im sorry you're sick and in a way, Im sorry I dont care enough to go through with you again. But all the care has been beaten out of me by this rollercoaster. And I am too busy giving what is left to me.
I loved you to an extent you cannot fathom. You constantly talk about how difficult it was for you, but did you ever stop to think how hard it was for me? I dont want to keep bringing it up, but each time you use that to justify your behaviour. Why? Why? I cannot excuse it or forgive it. I dont want to slip, trip, fall and bust my heart. Its not fair. How can you say that you will be there for me when the first chance to prove it you fucked up so royally? I dont want to do this anymore. And I dont.
I just need you to realise that one day, you're gonna have to work for what you want. If you say you want a friendship, freaking try harder. Dont let me dangle, because God knows that this time I wont be the one reaching out. I wont even be dangling.
I know you want a friendship. I know you want us to be close - but my version of close and yours are different. I guess what it comes down to is that I dont trust you to be a friend. Even one I only talk to once in a while, which really is the only type of friends we can be, since talking to you all the time freaks me out. I dont want to count you amongst my friends because you havent behaved like one. And frankly you havent deserved the right. Or earned it back yet.
I guess we'll figure it out. I guess we'll either fade or become stronger, but either way wont be of my effort. I am done making an effort. I dont want to make a bleeding effort. You do what you want to. And if that happens to include being a friend of mine, then go for it. But if not....Goodnight and goodbye. Know that I never wished you hard. Im sorry you're sick and in a way, Im sorry I dont care enough to go through with you again. But all the care has been beaten out of me by this rollercoaster. And I am too busy giving what is left to me.