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I Think
Mar 31, 2008 21:26:21 GMT -5
Post by finding on Mar 31, 2008 21:26:21 GMT -5
After the events of this past weekend I think I am going to have to take a stand and remove my parents from our lives. The relationship has always been dysfunctional at best, abusive at worst and I can't do this anymore.
My mother ended up spending the entire weekend here and things got very ugly Saturday afternoon with me telling her she needed to leave. She ended up driving about an hour away and then called and said she was too tired to drive the rest of the way home and came back and stayed the night.
My 12 year old daughter is put into the middle of things that she shouldn't be, and because I confronted my mom with things that have been said and done when I am not around my mom told her that she no longer trusts her and won't be telling her things anymore.
I am afraid of the backlash this is going to cause because they use the CPS case my ex filed last year as ammunition whenever they don't get their way even though the accusations made where proven false and the case was closed.
All I know is I can't do this anymore. The strain is getting to be too much.
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Post by JimB on Apr 2, 2008 8:30:41 GMT -5
It's a tough decision. Based on what you've shared here and elsewhere, I'd say it's the right one.
It hurts to cut off family, but it's important to recognize it when their presence causes more problems than their absence does. At the same time, I hope emotions haven't escalated to the point where you aren't really able to clearly state the reasons why you're cutting her off. Even people who make another's life a living hell deserve the opportunity to alter their behavior, if they so choose. Especially when they are family. Perhaps a letter....?
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I Think
Apr 2, 2008 11:01:01 GMT -5
Post by finding on Apr 2, 2008 11:01:01 GMT -5
It's a tough decision. Based on what you've shared here and elsewhere, I'd say it's the right one. It hurts to cut off family, but it's important to recognize it when their presence causes more problems than their absence does. At the same time, I hope emotions haven't escalated to the point where you aren't really able to clearly state the reasons why you're cutting her off. Even people who make another's life a living hell deserve the opportunity to alter their behavior, if they so choose. Especially when they are family. Perhaps a letter....? I have tried that in the past Jim, it just doesn't work with them. They refuse to see what they are doing as wrong. This has been an ongoing struggle with them for as long as I can remember. I feel a bit guilty about having to take this stand as the ex's family has nothing to do with the kids. They didn't when he was alive, so this is nothing new. Taking this stand really leaves me as the only family the kids have, but I also know that things are better without them in the picture. What I can't live with is their physical and emotional abuse and their undermining my authority to the kids.
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JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
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I Think
Apr 2, 2008 11:07:34 GMT -5
Post by JC on Apr 2, 2008 11:07:34 GMT -5
oy..
sometimes, it takes removing them for things to get better. my mother and i never had a great relationship, and when my kids came along, i felt they were better off without her in their lives.. i went the better half of 3 years without her in my life.. and then one day, i just went over to her house. we talked, i told her the reasons i had for kicking her out of my life, and told her she didnt have to understand them, hell she didnt have to agree with them, but she DID have to respect them. i wont say that it has been great since that day, there have been times i have had to call her on her bullshit. but i try to be as calm as possible when talking to her about it, and telling her that i dont appreciate it.. i have found, that when you try to tell someone something important, whatever you are trying to say gets lost in all your emotions.
fwiw.
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I Think
Apr 2, 2008 11:23:35 GMT -5
Post by finding on Apr 2, 2008 11:23:35 GMT -5
oy.. sometimes, it takes removing them for things to get better. my mother and i never had a great relationship, and when my kids came along, i felt they were better off without her in their lives.. i went the better half of 3 years without her in my life.. and then one day, i just went over to her house. we talked, i told her the reasons i had for kicking her out of my life, and told her she didnt have to understand them, hell she didnt have to agree with them, but she DID have to respect them. i wont say that it has been great since that day, there have been times i have had to call her on her bullshit. but i try to be as calm as possible when talking to her about it, and telling her that i dont appreciate it.. i have found, that when you try to tell someone something important, whatever you are trying to say gets lost in all your emotions. fwiw. I've tried that in the past with them, unfortunately it doesn't work. They have changed their tactics and have gone to the kids telling them things that just aren't true and are putting thoughts of doubt in their heads about me. The boys are non-verbal so they haven't been able to tell me what has been going on, but after the last trip my daughter filled me in on a lot of things that have been said and done. When I tried discussing it with her it got very ugly and it was turned around on me, that is when I told her that she needed to leave and she pushed me at the top of the stairs.
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I Think
Apr 2, 2008 11:39:34 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on Apr 2, 2008 11:39:34 GMT -5
I would say no unsupervised contact would be VERY good. I think your kids may not understand a complete cut-out, but perhaps they (and their grandparents) can write each other letters? Letting the grandparents know, of course, that you screen first and anything innappropriate will NOT be given to the kids. Maybe even phone calls where you are on the extension and everyone knows it?
I don't think they are at all helpful, and this type of verbal confusion is only going to make life harder on the kids.
Shey
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I Think
Apr 2, 2008 14:19:00 GMT -5
Post by rocko on Apr 2, 2008 14:19:00 GMT -5
My nephew's grandmother "nana head" used to grill him for answers and it would cause him to cry and he ended up getting ulcers (AGAIN) from all of the pressure she was putting him under.
He is only allowed around her if one of us is there.
(it is my xBIL's mom)
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I Think
Apr 2, 2008 23:25:20 GMT -5
Post by finding on Apr 2, 2008 23:25:20 GMT -5
I've tried supervising the visits, but they like to wait until I am busy with one of the boys and pull my daughter aside and pull the same thing. The last time my dad was here I found him in the garage with her whispering to her about her school and moving back to the ranch. The same type of thing happened last weekend with my mom here in the house.
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Post by sheyd on Apr 3, 2008 9:44:52 GMT -5
I think it is too hard with that many kids to do a visit with all three and your parents - it is too easy to divide and conquer. I think letters or phone calls, or visits where you bring one and only one child at a time to see them, is probably the only way to be safe. They just can't be trusted beyond that. I think you are right to eliminate their ability to poison.
Shey
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