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Post by shattered on Apr 2, 2008 21:49:18 GMT -5
Thanks Jules. ; )
I know many younger guys have a thing for older women, but I think mostly that's just it -- a thing. A fling. Not a life partner.
As a male friend whom I was discussing this with said: Being attracted to and caring for an older woman is no problem whatsoever. It's seeing the older woman as wife, life partner, mother of children, where it becomes problematic. And I think he's right about that.
I actually have this (very cute) ten-year-younger French guy calling me from Paris every week (we met years ago when he was living in D.C.; we flirted a bit, but that was it) so I'd think he's quite interested! Supposedly he's moving back to D.C. soon and he keeps talking about all the stuff we'll do when he's back. And boy do I hope this happens. Not only is he incredibly nice (and, did I mention, very cute?), but I could soooooo use the distraction. I know he really likes me as a person too, but I am under no illusion that he is looking for anything more than casual with me. Besides, he's kinda flakey. He invited me to come visit him in Paris during a specific month, talked about specific activities, I told him yes, I'd come, and then a few weeks later he seems to already have forgotten about it. Whatever. I"m going off on a tangent here.
Anyway, I'll def. post if anything post-worthy happens with the French guy.
Oh, I almost forgot! If I remember correctly, haven't some of the very same ladies (you? super? others? -- maybe I'm misremembering, if so, sorry) who are around age 30, written right here on this blog how they're worried that at their age they won't meet anyone again?
Ahem! So, ladies, no more of that! If you ever get depressed about that -- just think of me!
; )
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Post by shattered on Apr 2, 2008 22:51:33 GMT -5
JC,
You can ignore this of course, and it might be tedious for you because it's on the same subject as my previous reply to you, but I need to get this out.
I wish I'd been more forceful in my response, I was trying too hard to be diplomatic.
Your comment about him surely feeling confirmed in his decision to dump me because it is too painful for me to see his daughter after the break-up was just atrocious. It didn't sound harsh, it sounded nasty. It didn't seem hurtful, it IS hurtful. And utterly unfeeling.
I can't even believe you said that to me. From my one post you of course could not know what happened, but it WAS clear from my post that I was close to the kids and in pain over losing them in addition to him.
So how could you possibly say something that sounds like I was being selfish or unfair toward the daugther in any way by not being able to see her?? (Yes, that is what you were saying, otherwise why would you think it would prove to him he was right to get rid of me?)
It's like you were saying I abandoned her by not seeing her. I was the one who was abandoned, not her. Yes, she felt bad about the break-up, but I am the one in tears everyday thinking of her just as much as I think of him.
I am the one who lost my beautiful, sweet future step-daughter.
She has two parents who love her, a brother who adores her, many close family members, a gazillion friends, she is super popular, active in her college sorority, etc, etc. She has so many people who are there for her. She missed me in the beginning, I"m sure. I"m am also sure that she had no problem moving on with her life (as she should) and I am trapped in this pain of losing the man I loved, and his children whom I loved too.
I am the one who can't even go to the drugstore without seeing something girly in pink, or pink stuff anywhere, without tears welling up in my eyes because pink is her favorite color and I used to so enjoy picking out presents for her birthday, Christmas, her graduation.
I know I shouldn't let comments by a stranger upset me this much, but I am obviously in a lot of pain and your comment was so incredibly callous. I don't know your story (I'll see if I can find other posts by you), but I would think that simply by being on this board, you would know something about pain and not making snap judgement about things you have no idea about.
I cannot imagine anyone thinking that me meeting her and being in tears the entire time would have done her any good whatsoever.
I cannot imagine anyone thinking it would be a good idea to meet with her period.
I hadn't cried all day today (a major accomplishment for me), but I am crying now and missing her more than ever. I am not an over-sensitive person, and in any other area I can take almost anything people throw at me, but in a forum where people are in pain, you might just want to make a point of being more, well, feeling and careful about how you say certain things.
If you read all of this, thank you. I don't hate you, and I hope you don't hate me now. I just really had to get this out, and I hope I was able to do so forcefully yet respectfully.
Shattered
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Post by jules on Apr 2, 2008 23:16:36 GMT -5
french guy sounds yummy! do keep us posted! and it sounds like something that makes you smile... we all need that sort of thing, especially when we've been kicked around. nothing wrong with being a "cougar" for a while. i'm not one of those concerned with finding a life partner at this point, if ever. it may because i'm still pretty raw myself and therefore very distrustful, or it may be because i'm better off on my own. i haven't decided yet.
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Post by shattered on Apr 2, 2008 23:38:55 GMT -5
Jules, yummy is the word -- he is a pastry chef!!! How great is that?
He currently works at the American embassy in Paris. He was telling me the other day how he can make 20 different kinds of sorbet from scratch, and all this other stuff, and I was thinking "Hurry up and come back to D.C. already so you can fix some of this stuff for me!"
I'm available for cougar-ishness, I just hope he doesn't flake out on me. 'Cause, yeah, he does make me smile.
Oh boy am I ever with you on the distrustful. Half of me is terrified I'll never find anyone else again -- the other half of me is terrified I will and be in this pain again. Ugh, I'm a wreck.
I am also addicted to this board! For an hour now I've been meaning to log off and touch up my gray roots (the only part of me that has aged early). Better than wrinkles, easy to cover up. (Of course, I HAVE new wrinkles around my eyes from all the crying. I hate him for that too. Asshole!)
OK, I'm pulling myself out of my slump. I'm going to go color my hair. Tomorrow I'm taking the bus to NY for a memorial service for an old boss. I am very sad about the occasion, but very excited about seeing two of my former colleagues and good friends (they're like the brothers I never had) whom I haven't seen in years.
I will be back on the board when I return Friday night, no doubt!
Take care Jules, and everyone else too.
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JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
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Post by JC on Apr 3, 2008 6:15:59 GMT -5
shattered,
i am so sorry you took what i said that harshly... maybe i didnt explain enough, but you did kinda take it the wrong way.. i will send you a pm on this........
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Post by cdngurl on Apr 3, 2008 8:20:31 GMT -5
OK, I'm pulling myself out of my slump. I'm going to go color my hair. Hi Shattered. Just wanted to say how happy I was to see this. When the pain is so consuming, it is YOUR efforts that help heal. Little things like this - doing things for YOU and treating yourself right .. that will get you through. I remember even SAYING to my ex - no one will ever want me ( boy .. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut and my head held high.. but I know I'm not the only one who's been there..) -- but now I look back and realize how low I let HIM bring me. Believe me - you are attractive, kind, loving -- you have SO much to bring to this world and to someone special, should you choose to be in a relationship again. I know you know this - but the reality is that our loved ones can be taken from us at any time, whether it be illness, a tragedy, or a choice. We are here on this earth to be more than someone's partner forever. There is joy after our time with someone ends. I hope I don't sound too cheesy. Wishing you joy. Hugs, CDN
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Post by shattered on Apr 6, 2008 0:12:29 GMT -5
CDN,
Thank you!
As for it being MY efforts that get me through, well, sometimes yes, and sometimes no. There have been plenty of times when no matter what I did or didn't do, didn't help one bit. On Wednesday evening, I was coming up out of a slump naturally somehow anyway (and boy do I hope it's a while before I have such a relapse again, because it was horrific).
I am kind and loving -- something *he* told me all the time, which of course just adds to my incomprehension of why he just threw me away. But, whatever, I know I will never know the answer to that.
I certainly understand about wishing you'd kept your mouth shut about certain things -- I think almost all of us have been there. I certainly have been. I am so glad you are feeling better.
I don't think you sound cheesy at all. Thank you for this message.
Wishing you joy as well,
Hugs,
Shattered
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Post by shattered on Apr 6, 2008 0:18:07 GMT -5
JC -- I just read your PM and wrote you back. Thank you!
Same thing for rocko, MelancholyGirl, and finding.
Thank you so much to the four of you. I am so touched by your incredibly generous, kind, and caring messages.
Honestly, I feel rather loved right now!
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Post by shattered on Apr 6, 2008 0:29:36 GMT -5
Hi Seyfert,
You wrote:
"Thanks for posting this. You put in words so many things I've been thinking and feeling lately. It's nice to know I'm not alone."
I am glad you related to what I said. Are you referring to my original post telling my story, or my rant about how wonderfully I understand the importance of kids? ; )
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