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Post by Phyxius on Apr 8, 2008 2:36:25 GMT -5
Who, apparently already knows me waaaaaaaaay too well... You hold onto hope She’ll change her mind Come runnin’ back Straight back to you You hold onto the past Won’t set it free You keep makin’ wishes That just won’t come true Well baby, let go of what used to be Hold onto me And let go of what makes you lonely Hold onto me And give up the heartache The nights you lie awake It’s easy to set it free And hold onto me Cause you need a rock And that’s what I’ll be You’ll always know Where my heart stands Don’t be afraid I’ll catch your fall You gotta trust me Just take my hand Well baby, let go of what used to be Hold onto me And let go of what makes you lonely Hold onto me And give up the heartache The nights you lie awake It’s easy to set it free And hold onto me I won’t let you go Hold onto me Hold onto me Give up the heartache The nights you lie awake It’s easy to set it free Hold onto me Hold onto me Hold onto me Hold onto me Hold onto me
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Post by ionysis on Apr 8, 2008 3:24:09 GMT -5
Whoa.
Are you really ready for this Phyx, really, really ready......?
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Post by Phyxius on Apr 8, 2008 3:47:33 GMT -5
No. But are we EVER really, really, ready?
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Post by ionysis on Apr 8, 2008 4:11:08 GMT -5
I guess not.
But the point of her sending you that song was clearly to ask you the question.
What are you going to tell her?
She wants to be the number one in your heart and she is telling you you can trust her (whether you believe that is your call).
I always think it makes a woman want a man more when she knows a little bit of his heart is with someone else. Sometimes when he relinquishes that something or someone else it gets boring because the challenge is gone. Of course it depends on the type.
I guess there are just lots of questions right now. Can you really let go of your ex? Do you even WANT to? Will you ever love another person the way you loved her? Do you still, even in a small bit of yourself want her back?
How do you really feel about the new gf? Are you ready to trust again? New gf is perceptive but apart from that what does her sending this to you really tell you? It could come across as manipulative - delieberately provoking emotion, if you look at it in that way... or it could be romantic / sweet.
Of course you could not think about any of that and just enjoy your life day by day. Your call.
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Post by sheyd on Apr 8, 2008 8:28:21 GMT -5
His gf IS sweet. His ex is a wonderful woman, who is as poisonous to him as he is to her. They BOTH deserve better. Their "love" is more co-dependency and clinging to a dream than possible in the real world. His gf IS perceptive - particularly in the keep making wishes that won't come true. He and his ex both do that - they know it isn't going to happen, but they won't let go, which stops them from living in the NOW.
Do you realize how long Phyx has waited (and dare I say wasted his life waiting)? You can find it elsewhere on the board. It is shredding he and his ex. They are both with other people now, and Phyx's girl is REALLY good for him. Her song is EXACTLY right on target.
Phyx - don't lose something wonderful holding on to something that isn't real. She is making this offer, hun, but she won't make it forever. She is earning that right to have you trust her.
Shey
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Post by ionysis on Apr 8, 2008 8:58:02 GMT -5
Yes Shey I do know. I've read all Phyx's posts here and on Ojar for 18 months.
I was asking questions not giving advice.
Asking those questions is something which I am sure he is doing himself anyway - and I asked because I was interested in knowing how HE feels rather than teling him what *I* think he should be feeling or doing. I didn't presume to tell him the answers because I'm not under the illusion that I know what is best for people.
Regardless of what we know of the situation Phyxius is the only one who can actually determine if his gf is good for him, good to him, what he feels for her, the kind of person she is, if he is over his ex and what his feelings are on the whole matter.
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Post by sheyd on Apr 8, 2008 10:09:33 GMT -5
I answered that way because he HAS told me some of how he thinks/feels on all this. He has made the determination to move forward in his life, with his decision to keep on a healthier path. But, like all of us, he has weaknesses, weak moments, impulses to do what he knows will hurt him in the end. Sometimes encouragement to stay on the path toward being healthier can strengthen your resolve, while questioning whether it is the right path can weaken it.
I just want him to stay healthy - emotionally and every other way. Yes, he IS asking those questions, but I know that sometimes when you ask too much you get paralyzed or head the wrong direction. He KNOWS what is healthier, it is just hard to do. (Hard for me, too, but he has encouraged me when I needed it too.)
His gf is right on - on what he needs to do, with or without her. He knows it - but yes, the heart will question. Yes, he will always love his ex. But loving is good, and it isn't good holding on to a dream of how it could be if only... but "if only" is a dream. Unless you think you can GET to if only (and he knows he can't) it is a dream that is holding you back from NOW.
Shey
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Post by Phyxius on Apr 9, 2008 3:06:16 GMT -5
Do you realize how long Phyx has waited (and dare I say wasted his life waiting)? You can find it elsewhere on the board. It is shredding he and his ex. They are both with other people now, and Phyx's girl is REALLY good for him. Her song is EXACTLY right on target. Phyx - don't lose something wonderful holding on to something that isn't real. She is making this offer, hun, but she won't make it forever. She is earning that right to have you trust her. I know she's good for me. I'm not convinced that I'm good for her, though. Can it be a rebound six years after the divorce? With all the old wounds freshly re-opened? Well, not thinking about it never has been my style... I don't know. I really don't. I'm a certified basket case right now, and I'm not really sure who in the hell I am anymore. I just don't recognize who I'm becoming. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but not much does right now. And I AM trying to live in the now. And trying to move forward. I've come farther in the past six months than I have in the thirteen years since I met my ex and I've done it ALL -- 100% -- WITHOUT HER. I know that I will have to continue that way as well. I just don't know if I can give K what she's asking for. Not yet, anyway. I'm not sure of myself right now. Not because of d2b, but because I still don't know who I am yet. Does that make ANY sense at all, or am I just rambling? 'Course, if K had any real sense at all, she would've run screaming (or laughing) for the hills after the first time we had sex... **Amended to add... I don't know how to describe how I feel about K. We've only been together six weeks now, but I can say she has left her mark on my heart, and that no matter how it turns out, my life was irreversibly changed the day she walked in it. I can't bring myself to tell her I love her yet, or even say it in my own head, but she has left her mark, and I'll carry that with me for the rest of my life. There I go, rambling again. I think I'll try to go to sleep now and hope that tomorrow the world makes a little more sense...
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Post by sheyd on Apr 9, 2008 9:14:26 GMT -5
It makes COMPLETE sense. All of it. You are doing a complete self-makeover. Physical health, mental health, new job, new found forgivenesses. You are changing daily, and I am happy to be able to witness it, even the small part you let me see. You are doing all that, not only without D2B, but really also, without K. Her love may heal some wounds, help with trust, but really, the changes you are making go deeper, and it is the self-healing that is really mattering right now. I think K is wonderful for you, and I hope it works out, but with or without her, you will succeed at these changes you want to make in your own life better if you focus on the reality of all of these situations - including that holding on to that D2B dream/co-dependency thing is really unhealthy for both of you. Yes, you will always love her, but part of love is wanting someone to be healthy, and you know you aren't any more healthy for her than she is for you. It is ok to not be able to say you love K - even in your head. Love means something special to you, and you don't give it away lightly. I am sure that is one of the attractions for her. She knows, if you love, you will love forever. Your love is worth waiting for, Phyx, so don't rush yourself. You ARE loving her, in the ways you can - it is obvious in how you post about her, and how you talk about her. 6 weeks isn't a long time, in the grand scheme of things. If she can be patient, and wait for you to achieve the peace and stability you are aiming for on your own, she will be worthy of that further love, too. Just focus on YOU right now, and letting go of the things that might have been if only.... K is a big girl, and obviously a smart one. She will be ok. (And I suspect she will be getting what she wants, in the end! ) Shey
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Post by jules on Apr 9, 2008 9:24:30 GMT -5
Wow. Phyx. Can I just say I relate so much with this post? Especially the parts about not being sure who you are and who you're becoming. Wow. And I totally understand about not feeling ready to give of yourself until you figure things out. It's why I've recently decided not to even consider dating for a good long time. (Maybe even several years, following your example!) Of course the couple of people I've mentioned this to think I'm nuts and will change my mind next week. We'll see.
The L-word is major for me, too. I can't use it lightly, and never have. After this experience I'm even less likely to be inclined to use it. Some words have tremendous power. The L-word is one of them.
I'd say if your girlfriend understands that you are still figuring yourself out and sorting out things in your head and your heart, and if she isn't demanding anything that you aren't able to give at this point, and you two are able to communicate about this stuff and really understand each other, and perhaps more importantly, are both ok with where the other stands, let it ride. It would be wrong to try to force feelings that don't occur naturally. (And maybe it's just me, but 6 weeks is AWFULLY early in the game to be even thinking about the L-word, in my book.)
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JC
Full Member
Posts: 205
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Post by JC on Apr 9, 2008 9:27:00 GMT -5
I'd say if your girlfriend understands that you are still figuring yourself out and sorting out things in your head and your heart, and if she isn't demanding anything that you aren't able to give at this point, and you two are able to communicate about this stuff and really understand each other, and perhaps more importantly, are both ok with where the other stands, let it ride. It would be wrong to try to force feelings that don't occur naturally. (And maybe it's just me, but 6 weeks is AWFULLY early in the game to be even thinking about the L-word, in my book.)
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Post by J (Hot Mess) on Apr 11, 2008 11:29:50 GMT -5
Wow Phyx I dont know your whole story as well as Ion and Shey but have a pretty good idea. Thats a powerful message from your gf. Ask yourself if youre willing to lose that... holding onto something that no longer exists and letting something real pass you by. I know about pining for the past. If I had someone in the here and now who cared for me I think I would jump in with eyes wide shut. Maybe its not fair to the other person.....but they know what theyre getting into now, dont they? She wants you to take the chance. I say do it.
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Post by Phyxius on Apr 12, 2008 19:09:44 GMT -5
Wow. Phyx. Can I just say I relate so much with this post? Especially the parts about not being sure who you are and who you're becoming. Wow. And I totally understand about not feeling ready to give of yourself until you figure things out. It's why I've recently decided not to even consider dating for a good long time. (Maybe even several years, following your example!) Of course the couple of people I've mentioned this to think I'm nuts and will change my mind next week. We'll see. Yeah, well... I couldn't really recommend following my example to anyone... Yeah, but SHE said it last night. Which led to one of "those" talks that lasted until daylight. My brain feels like it's been put through a blender right now. 'Course, that's probably because I've been up for 36 hours now and still have 6 to go before I get off work and can go to sleep... She knows. Of course, with my ex, we were already living together and setting a marriage date at this point. That one didn't turn out so well...
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