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Dream
Apr 8, 2008 9:27:52 GMT -5
Post by jules on Apr 8, 2008 9:27:52 GMT -5
I had a dream last night about the ex. We were still married. It was basically just one example of the same type of scenario that occurred over and over during our marriage. I don't remember the details, but they weren't important anyway. He had stated an intention to do something for me or make something up to me, yet had several reasons why he couldn't, basically because everything else -- friends, video games, the internet, his car, etc. -- came before me. And I had that oh-so-familiar feeling of feeling both disappointed that my feelings were considered last, and also guilt for being so selfish to think that I had any right to feel that sense of disappointment. I don't think that I ever really acknowledged when I was in the marriage how often this happened. And if I did, I blamed myself for feeling that way.
I woke up relieved that it was just a dream. That it is no longer a part of my waking life. That I no longer have to feel guilty for having feelings. And that now I know that I have no reason to feel guilty for having feelings. And if I do, it's a sign that something isn't right with the relationship -- not that I'm a bad person.
I guess it sounds stupid all typed out like this, but it was quite a revelation for me.
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Dream
Apr 8, 2008 11:23:20 GMT -5
Post by shattered on Apr 8, 2008 11:23:20 GMT -5
Doesn't sound stupid to me -- I can totally relate to this.
My situation was similar (always feeling guilty or needy when I all I was asking for was the basics -- I realize he made/let me feel that way), and I have the dreams, and eventhough I'm still in so much pain, I also sometimes feel somewhat relieved after I wake up.
At least I know who I am again. (Or I'm slowly but surely getting there.)
Revelations are good.
Hugs to you.
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Dream
Apr 8, 2008 12:20:53 GMT -5
Post by super on Apr 8, 2008 12:20:53 GMT -5
I've been having these lately too. I realized that for the last five years he made me feel guilty for asking questions like where will we live, do you want kids, what happens when i travel, money questions, etc. etc.
He made me feel like I was pressuring him and planning too far ahead. It was not unreasonable to ask these things and I wish I hadn't let him lie, evade, and guilt trip me. If he'd been honest or I'd been determined we could've ended things a long time ago.
He always made me feel bad about my communication style (I tease a lot) and just my personality in general. He said I was too independent and strong willed (don't most guys like that?) and was mean to him. I told him numerous times that no one was making him stay, and to quit being such a martyr. Now I realize that I shouldn't have let him make me feel bad for being me. He tried to make me feel like I was abusive or something was wrong with me, but now I honestly feel that he was the manipulative one, always playing the victim.
I think these realizations will help in my next relationship, and I feel sorry for him that he did not spend one day single. He is never going to have a good relationship if he thinks it can just fly by on love and not communication and common values and goals.
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Dream
Apr 8, 2008 12:29:11 GMT -5
Post by RO on Apr 8, 2008 12:29:11 GMT -5
j-
i don't think it sounds stupid at all.
i think it makes perfect sense.
you should never have to justify what you feel or why you feel to anyone.
just my thoughts.
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Dream
Apr 8, 2008 12:35:51 GMT -5
Post by jules on Apr 8, 2008 12:35:51 GMT -5
Super... were we married to the same man?
Someone asked me last night what I ever saw in him, since we were so different. I responded that he was spontaneous, took a lighter approach to life, and that balanced my intensity and headstrong nature. Ironically, I think now that those differences were what caused the seams of our relationship to begin to unravel.
I wonder if independent, strong women are subconsiously drawn to the opposite type of man in an effort to achieve balance, whereas we really ought to focus on acheiving that sort of balance from within. Likewise, I wonder if men who are happy to drift without any significant goals or ambition are attracted to women who have those qualities, but eventually grow to resent them when they realize they need to do some work as well if they want to be along for the ride.
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Dream
Apr 8, 2008 13:03:02 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on Apr 8, 2008 13:03:02 GMT -5
Likewise, I wonder if men who are happy to drift without any significant goals or ambition are attracted to women who have those qualities, but eventually grow to resent them when they realize they need to do some work as well if they want to be along for the ride. Ok that IS my ex and me, too... Although I am attracted to what I think is strength in guys, it too often has turned out to be something else (not knowing themselves, or not being willing to work on themselves, or just plain being liars!) I think that is Harry and me sometimes, too... although he IS doing an amazing amount of work on himself - hence the going back to school, taking better care of his health, etc. I just wonder sometimes if he resents it or appreciates it? Shey
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Dream
Apr 8, 2008 13:24:51 GMT -5
Post by Phyxius on Apr 8, 2008 13:24:51 GMT -5
Maybe a little bit of both? I know my own emotions are all over the place about such things in my own life...
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Dream
Apr 8, 2008 13:37:56 GMT -5
Post by jules on Apr 8, 2008 13:37:56 GMT -5
I never, ever again want to be in the position where I feel responsible for encouraging someone else to care for his own health, career, finances, education, etc. Been there, done that. If there is a next time (doubtful), I want to be the one along for the ride.
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Dream
Apr 8, 2008 14:07:24 GMT -5
Post by super on Apr 8, 2008 14:07:24 GMT -5
I don't really know who I'm drawn to anymore. When I met my ex I was only 18 and was a completely different person. I did know for a long time that I would never be attracted to him as a person anymore. He's not my type at all. I used to think that it was funny how you could end up with someone so different from what you would pick for yourself, but in the end we grew too far apart.
I still think that the main reason I'm still hurting is how he ended it. The way he chose to hurt me and treat me like an enemy, and the way he cut me out of his life. I was ready to go, I just never thought he could treat me that way.
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Dream
Apr 8, 2008 18:41:41 GMT -5
Post by redskyatnight on Apr 8, 2008 18:41:41 GMT -5
Hey Jules, I'm glad you can see the contrast between your old life and your new life. I believe that dreams are symbolic representations of our waking life. In different cultures, symbols may mean different things.
Take the next part with whatever it may mean to you. Dreaming about your ex can mean.
To dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or ex-husband/wife or that you and your ex got back together again, suggests that something or someone in your current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the relationship with your ex. The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat the same mistake. Alternatively, past lovers often highlight the positive experiences you had with that person.
In particular, to see your ex-husband/wife in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable.
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Dream
Apr 9, 2008 0:37:34 GMT -5
Post by kittenhart on Apr 9, 2008 0:37:34 GMT -5
Just keep repeating...." I no longer have to apologize for my feelings"....it is what it is, and you will be better than fine, girl.
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