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Post by Phoenixx on Apr 18, 2008 11:41:40 GMT -5
I'm sure some of you remember my story and either way, I dont want to rehash it. I just want to sound out a few frustrations. The ex and I are trying to be friends. Yeah, I know how that doesn't work most of the time, please, no rotten tomatoes at me today! Trying would be a great word anyway since I'm not sure if its working. We've crossed the borders a few times (with just conversation, nothing else - I havent even seen him since that first and last time) and since I have been on a few dates with someone, its become more strained. Not that he's said anything negative to me and in fact has been funny and encouraging about it, its obvious there's a lot of tension between us. I don't know if we can be friends, because if this was him dating, I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle it. I know this seems like having my cake and eating it too, but I've cut the dating out now. At the very least, it seems unfair to someone when I know very well it's never going to go more than a few dates (not only to do with the ex, I'm leaving the country in a year and moving thousands of miles away for business reasons.) I'm not sure what to do. We can't be together right now, he's leaving again in a few weeks. I don't know if we're gonna have much contact while he's away, but I think in a way that's a blessing. It allows me to get on with my life. It is practically impossible for us to be together, we're moving in opposite directions and time differences are at least 10hours, let alone thousands of miles of space between us. It is also emotionally impossible, because there isn't a lot of trust between us, which is partly his fault and partly mine. I'm working through that. I know this sounds stupid, but its like both of us are kind of just "waiting". He's travelling, I'm moving. How can I have a relationship with someone who I can only see once every six months? It's gonna be less than that when I move. I don't even know if we're ever gonna end up in the same country again. At the same time, I can't help how I feel. Thing is, he did ask me to marry him when we were together, and each time, I said "not yet". I feel like such an idiot now, knowing he's off living his life. But I know I couldn't have. I can't even now. I have too much to do, and so has he. I don't want to get caught in a trap of feeling like this is the only person for me. I'm sure we would have a wonderful life together, but I'm sure someone else would also make a wonderful life for me. I'm just not sure I want someone else. So...what do I do? Do I finally stop trying to control everything and let it be, wait to see wether the feelings fade and enjoy the friendship I missed? Do I stop talking to him all together? Do I throw the gaunlet down and demand that we at least try a long distance relationship? I don't know if I'm gonna take any of your advice, I just want to hear a different voice. I'm tired of living in my head with this. Edited to add, he is actually a great friend. He's pissed me off a lot, and done a few messed up things, but I chose to forgive him for that, so I can't choose to still hold those things against him. He's been there a lot for me, and I know that comes from a good place. So as a friend, he makes sense.
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Post by jules on Apr 18, 2008 13:02:51 GMT -5
maybe this sounds naive, but is it possible to just give it a try without worrying about next week, next month, next year, and without defining whether it is a "friendship" or "relationship"? maybe just see what happens naturally? there is of course potential for hurt there, but i think that risk is better than trying to define something that isn't yet definable.
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Post by JimB on Apr 18, 2008 13:09:48 GMT -5
My gut instinct is that you're fixating a little bit on him, when your feelings of being in limbo land really don't have much to do with him at all.
It sounds like you've set this benchmark of leaving the country a year from now, and are trying to organize your entire life around this benchmark. Your sense of "waiting" has little to do with him, and everything to do with this life change. Moving on from a failed relationship usually is aided greatly by forming new attachments, whether it's with a new romantic partner or something else (career, life goals, friends, family, etc.). But it seems counter-intuitive to form new bonds when you know you'll be turning your whole life upside down in a year. After all, the more attached you get, the harder it will be to leave, right?
It seems you're essentially just marking time until you leave the country, but a year is a long time to just sit in limbo land. If you actively avoid attachments of any kind, it's not going to be a very satisfying year. Perhaps you're being too logical here. Life is pretty empty without emotional risk. Invest yourself fully in rebuilding a good life, even if that ends up making it harder to leave when the time comes. You have permission to consider changing your mind later.
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Post by redskyatnight on Apr 18, 2008 14:47:44 GMT -5
I don't know your story, but based on what you posted, I'd say forget about a long-term relationship with your ex. Logistically, you can't make it work. Emotionally, you are second guessing yourself. Trust over thousands of miles will be hard to build.
If you want to be friends, you can do that. You can talk once in a while, catch up and live your life. I wouldn't wait for him to slow down. That's too much like putting your life on hold. Even if you are leaving in a year, get out, have fun, live today.
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Post by sheyd on Apr 18, 2008 14:52:09 GMT -5
but I'm sure someone else would also make a wonderful life for me. I'm just not sure I want someone else. And you won't know - until you give other people a chance. Open up your eyes and heart. You won't know what is out there until you are actually willing to look. So as a friend, he makes sense. This says it all to me. You will always love him. That is ok to say, and ok to do. Loving can change, though, if you let it. You can still love and care about him - but from a distance, you know there is no real "more" relationship possible. So enjoy the relationship you CAN have. As friends. Shey
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Post by kittenhart on Apr 18, 2008 16:30:06 GMT -5
Phoenix,
You know deep down, I think, that a long-distance relationship is never going to work....but I agree with Jules that maybe just letting go a bit and taking a "wait and see" kind of approach to the whole friendship thing. Like Shey said you will probably always have feelings for him on some sort of level, so a friendship would be nice, if it's possible. I don't think it is possible for everyone though, which is why you will probably just have to try it and see.
My ex wants to still be friends after this too, and at first I thought "no way....I don't need any friends that hurt and backstab me like this, thanks"....but now it's 9 months later and I am thinking that we do have a long history of friendship (13 years) and that in many ways he does know me better than anyone, so if we can talk occasionally and not have it turn into a huge acrimonious ordeal.....then that would be really great.....if not then....I am also prepared to deal with that. So far I've been taking it as it comes, with the "wait and see" approach because the divorce isn't finalized and everything is much cheaper and easier if you can just talk about it (rather than having your attys talk on your behalf) and I realized one day it's better to wait in limbo a bit, than to cut off your hand to spite your face, so to speak.
Also, I have to agree with JimB that a year seems like a long time to forgo dating of any kind, just because you don't want to get attached....not sure I would recommend that.
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Post by Phoenixx on Apr 18, 2008 17:00:34 GMT -5
Thanks you guys, for your thoughtful responses. Thanks also for not throwing those tomatoes JimB, thanks for taking the time with your response. You're right, the sense of waiting doesn't have everything to do with him. I am waiting for this year to pass. I've got a few things that tie me to here when really all I want to do is get on with the rest of my life. But it also feels like a part of me is waiting for us to be done with "our things" so that at the end of it, we end up together again. Personally, getting into another relationship terrifies me. I know a year is a long time to go without dating but the alternative of breaking up when I leave is not something I can consider right now. Jules, I think you're right. I always like controlling things, knowing what is going on, what is going to happen. I'm a control freak. I do think that for once, I need to let things be what they are, develop or fade into whatever will be. Constantly discussing "things" doesn't help and puts tension in, but at the same time I'm worried that I may be using this as a cop out to not face the situation. Khart - I dont want to consider not being his friend. You're right. I like being his friend. Its annoying and irritating and most times I don't know what to do with myself, but he is an important part of my life. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
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Post by jules on Apr 18, 2008 20:33:42 GMT -5
Phoenixx, trust me when i say i know just a little about control issues. i'm trying really hard to turn over a new leaf on that front by just letting go. i'm finding i really LIKE this new attitude. it's very freeing. yes, i still struggle with some anxiety, but ironically a lot less frequently than when i was struggling to control everything on my own. i also understand being terrified about new relationships. which is why i've decided not to go there for a good long time with anything meaningful or serious, if ever again. if that's a cop out, so be it.
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Post by crushy on Apr 19, 2008 5:28:10 GMT -5
I know your story and I read your posts. My first instict would be not to give up on him as a friend, but just put him on the backburner for a while. You know how you're intense feelings have subsided a bit since he left the first time, a little more time like that and perhaps you would be better able to be friends with him again. Also, you can be friends without constant contact. I Christmas card and maybe a Birthday card would be enough until you've settled into your new life. I'm with Jim (as well as others....lots of good advice), a year is a long time, but as long as you're upfront with future dates about your plans to leave within a year, it can be up to them whether it's worth it to them or not and therefore eliminating the guilt of leading them on. Not every guy is looking for a commitment, but many are looking to spend some time with someone fun. You have guts to move thousands away for the sake of business. Use some of those guts and tell him while you have a history together and value his friendship, you need some more time and distance first. I have no doubt you are going to be glad this all happened and you will find someone that makes you as happy as you make him...most of all, you are each independently happy, but together, it's a dream. Take care... Crushy
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Post by Phoenixx on Apr 19, 2008 9:17:57 GMT -5
Jules, I'm trying to follow your example and turn over a new leaf by just relaxing about everything. My anxieties are't that easy to settle though, and I just constantly double guess and question myself. Questioning everything constantly brings those anxieties back, and I almost wish I could just cut it all off rather than just waiting to see what happens, because at least that way I know what will happen and *I* initiated it. It's really important to me (for some messed up reason) that I have complete control, that *I* decide what happens.
Crushy, I'm not in constant contact with him, not as much as we used to when we were officially together. We do speak quite a bit (and its been picking up) but I know when he leaves the country it will go back down to the occasional email, which to be honest, is fine. It hurt like hell but I now realise it was the best possible way for me to enjoy my life, which I really did. And do, still.
I'm not putting my life on hold for him. I wouldn't do that for anyone. With or without him, my life will go where I set it. He's not pressuring me for anything either, in fact the complete opposite. Rather its the constant questions in my head, "is this ok? am I being an idiot? Should I stop being his friend, when really, what we have isn't just a friendship? Am I gonna get hurt again? How long is this in-between state going to last for?" I could think of a life that didn't include him when I was angry and trying to hate him. Now we can have a laugh, I feel like I'm getting drawn into those feelings again, and I can't even blame him. Sad thing is, he's leaving in a few weeks again. So really, this doesn't matter all that much...
thanks guys.
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Post by RO on Apr 19, 2008 9:33:07 GMT -5
hey,
stop beating yourself up. you have your plan and you have your goals and you have already started on all of it.
you know what will work for you. it is your life. do what feels right for you...no one else can determine that for you. don't waste a lifetime of "what ifs"...do what you need to do.
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Post by crushy on Apr 19, 2008 13:29:13 GMT -5
hey, stop beating yourself up. you have your plan and you have your goals and you have already started on all of it. you know what will work for you. it is your life. do what feels right for you...no one else can determine that for you. don't waste a lifetime of "what ifs"...do what you need to do. Yeah, what she said...
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Post by Phoenixx on Apr 20, 2008 7:25:08 GMT -5
RO, you're right. "What if's" wont help me get to where I want. i'm trying to let go, but each time I do, those anxieties come back and kick me in the teeth with their "what if's". Seems the problem here is not my ex and I, more like my mind...
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