Post by rd2942 on Dec 9, 2008 13:28:24 GMT -5
Background: I was married at 25, divorced at 31 because my ex-husband betrayed me in some very fundamental ways - don't want to get into them here because it is not part of my current story. I come from a fairly conservative and successful Indian family; I have a Master's Degree, a close to six-figure salary, and am very independent.
By the way, this is where I first 'met' OJAR - about 3 weeks into the split from the ex. Ojar members were my saviors then, and kept me company through the long lonely nights and the episodic breakdowns. Thank you former Ojar members...
Anyways, I started dating again and have been exclusive with a guy since last October - so a little over a year now. He is 7 years younger than me and pursued me for about 6-8 months (we met at a local bar and became friends) before I said I'd go out with him.
The reasons I hesitated? His age (younger), education (high-school grad and certified mechanic), lifestyle (even though he grew up in a wealthy suburban Philadelphia neighborhood, he turned to the streets early, small-time drug user and dealer, did 3 months in jail for a DUI at 20). He doesn't have a steady job - says he can't get auto jobs because of his record - but works in catering with a couple partners trying to start their own business. He quit drugs (dealing and using) and alcohol completely months before we went out because in the 6-8 months we were friends he said he wanted to be 'respectable' for me. That I gave him a reason to want to be better, whether I was with him or not.
The reasons I have been with him for a year now? He is kind, compassionate, sensitive to my every need. He cooks for me, cleans my house, takes care of my cat, gives me the best sex I've ever had and is basically like a wife. And every successful woman in a demanding job wants a wife, right?
When he has money, he pays for food and household things. He says he wants to marry me, and has asked me at random times over the past year. I don't want to have biological children and he is willing to adopt with me. I am not sure I want to get married again - and he says he'll settle for a commitment ceremony.
One of the things I love about him is that he is so accepting of who he is and hides nothing about himself; and his family and friends accept him exactly the way he is. I on the other hand, feel like I'm hiding myself from my family at every turn,
My question is - how long can a relationship with such disparate backgrounds last?
I haven't told my parents because A) they haven't gotten over my divorce and are very protective of me and don't want to see me hurt or used. B) He is so different from anyone I've ever been with; my friends think I'm 'rebelling' after my traumatic divorce.
I know he is hurt that I don't tell my parents about us, or bring him around, I keep feeling like once he has a full-time job, I can gloss over the not-so-nice stuff in his background, and 'groom' him to be acceptable to my family but I know that's not fair to him. If he accepts himself, why can't I?
He always says, "I'll always be blue-collar, baby!" On the other hand, his father is a private-school teacher and his mother is a nurse. His sister and brother-in-law are also teachers. I know deep-down he feels insecure about that, and not-good-enough but I think he's scared to try for something better because of his record, and fear of failing.
I am so torn - do I keep going, trying to see where this will end up? Do I end it because he'll never be 'good enough' for my friends and family? What about financially? If he never has a decent job, can I be the breadwinner and he the stay-at-home parent? Will that ever be acceptable to him, me, and our families? Do I support him and push him to better himself or just accept him as he is?
I'm looking for some perspective because obviously, I have lost all of mine...
By the way, this is where I first 'met' OJAR - about 3 weeks into the split from the ex. Ojar members were my saviors then, and kept me company through the long lonely nights and the episodic breakdowns. Thank you former Ojar members...
Anyways, I started dating again and have been exclusive with a guy since last October - so a little over a year now. He is 7 years younger than me and pursued me for about 6-8 months (we met at a local bar and became friends) before I said I'd go out with him.
The reasons I hesitated? His age (younger), education (high-school grad and certified mechanic), lifestyle (even though he grew up in a wealthy suburban Philadelphia neighborhood, he turned to the streets early, small-time drug user and dealer, did 3 months in jail for a DUI at 20). He doesn't have a steady job - says he can't get auto jobs because of his record - but works in catering with a couple partners trying to start their own business. He quit drugs (dealing and using) and alcohol completely months before we went out because in the 6-8 months we were friends he said he wanted to be 'respectable' for me. That I gave him a reason to want to be better, whether I was with him or not.
The reasons I have been with him for a year now? He is kind, compassionate, sensitive to my every need. He cooks for me, cleans my house, takes care of my cat, gives me the best sex I've ever had and is basically like a wife. And every successful woman in a demanding job wants a wife, right?
When he has money, he pays for food and household things. He says he wants to marry me, and has asked me at random times over the past year. I don't want to have biological children and he is willing to adopt with me. I am not sure I want to get married again - and he says he'll settle for a commitment ceremony.
One of the things I love about him is that he is so accepting of who he is and hides nothing about himself; and his family and friends accept him exactly the way he is. I on the other hand, feel like I'm hiding myself from my family at every turn,
My question is - how long can a relationship with such disparate backgrounds last?
I haven't told my parents because A) they haven't gotten over my divorce and are very protective of me and don't want to see me hurt or used. B) He is so different from anyone I've ever been with; my friends think I'm 'rebelling' after my traumatic divorce.
I know he is hurt that I don't tell my parents about us, or bring him around, I keep feeling like once he has a full-time job, I can gloss over the not-so-nice stuff in his background, and 'groom' him to be acceptable to my family but I know that's not fair to him. If he accepts himself, why can't I?
He always says, "I'll always be blue-collar, baby!" On the other hand, his father is a private-school teacher and his mother is a nurse. His sister and brother-in-law are also teachers. I know deep-down he feels insecure about that, and not-good-enough but I think he's scared to try for something better because of his record, and fear of failing.
I am so torn - do I keep going, trying to see where this will end up? Do I end it because he'll never be 'good enough' for my friends and family? What about financially? If he never has a decent job, can I be the breadwinner and he the stay-at-home parent? Will that ever be acceptable to him, me, and our families? Do I support him and push him to better himself or just accept him as he is?
I'm looking for some perspective because obviously, I have lost all of mine...