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Post by Dave on Feb 11, 2008 13:36:58 GMT -5
make ways for the wisdom of shey. scary scary shiat.
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Post by finding on Feb 11, 2008 13:45:13 GMT -5
yea, but again that requires that i make an effort, but i suspect being a hermit is far easier. I don't mind being a hermit, but i think that there might be more out there that i will continue to miss out on. . . I've been thinking the same thing lately. Not sure if you are missing out on anything though. I've been putting myself out there more and more here lately. So far it isn't worth it. I think I might just go back to my little shell again.
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Post by jules on Feb 11, 2008 13:48:01 GMT -5
So show your REAL self, your inside self, including fears and all Too scary. No sense laying down all of your cards upon first draw. You need to at least wait until you find out if you think the other person is worth getting a glimpse of your innermost self.
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Post by Dave on Feb 11, 2008 13:48:48 GMT -5
understood finding, but that's only because you've been meeting the douches. there are good people out there. i want to believe that anyway - but where are they hiding? in relationships? At home alone?
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Post by sheyd on Feb 11, 2008 14:15:27 GMT -5
You know, I think part of that is because the douches have huge walls. I know it is scary, and the truth is you WILL be hurt. We hurt people unintentionally, and people in pain hurt people INTENTIONALLY. Lashing out like little kids, or just swinging wildly at the air and unfortunately it is you their fist connects with sometimes. The truth is, though, if you CAN take the time to know them (and they let you), you can figure out why they are doing it, it lessens the pain. Sometimes, if you are lucky, THEY figure out why they are doing it and STOP - if you are REALLY lucky, they may even apologize when they realize what they have done. Unfortunately, most of us are too much in pain ourselves to be able to take someone's emotional fist connecting with our heads, so it is better for both people to remove themselves from the conflict when someone starts acting like a jerk.
And some people are just better at not hurting others. Find those people until you have a big wide safety net. Even if they "aren't the one" - getting to know them better, and letting them know you, will give you both a better sense of security and acceptance. Oh - and be worthy of it - be forgiving, understanding, and try to see from THEIR perspective instead of assuming you know what they mean because that is what it would mean if you said/did it...
Shey
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Post by Phoenixx on Feb 11, 2008 16:34:31 GMT -5
Wow...Sheyd, I'm printing that last comment and framing it. *speechless* Thank you....
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Post by sheyd on Feb 11, 2008 17:54:14 GMT -5
Just remember, Phoenixx - they don't ALWAYS stop. They don't ALWAYS realize it (most of the time they don't). We don't need to put ourselves in harm's way, either! We DO deserve better than that!
Shey
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Post by jules on Feb 11, 2008 19:43:46 GMT -5
Ok so I was thinking about this topic while I was doing dishes, and I was thinking about my bff from college, L, who is like my yoda to dating now since she's sort of a pro at it. She cites the reason for almost every single one of her failed relationships as the guy's lack of "emotional availability." That catch phrase sounded a little too Dr. Phil for me, so I asked her to tell me exactly what it meant to be emotionally available. What she described is pretty much what we're talking about here -- an unwillingness to let down the walls. Now I love L, but she has plenty of walls of her own due to a variety of reasons. So one night over a bottle of wine (when some of the best discussions happen, imo) and we sort of came to this realization that in order to be with someone who doesn't have barriers, one has to let down her own barriers. (So basically I guess I'm repeating what Shey already said much more eloquently.)
I guess it's a common enough thing that there are actually seminars and retreats on how to work through this. I'm sure that there are plenty of books as well. I wonder if this is a problem that many people are facing in today's jaded society. I suspect it may be so.
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Post by blazinheart on Feb 11, 2008 21:44:28 GMT -5
I don't think anyone deserves love. Love isn't something that can be deserved. One can't earn love. Love is a free and priceless gift, plain and simple.
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Post by Phyxius on Feb 11, 2008 21:55:53 GMT -5
I don't think anyone deserves love. Love isn't something that can be deserved. One can't earn love. Love is a free and priceless gift, plain and simple. It's never free. Ultimately there is always a price to be paid...
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Post by jules on Feb 11, 2008 22:21:02 GMT -5
Love is a free and priceless gift, plain and simple. But would you or would you not agree that in order to be willing and able to give that gift you have to allow yourself to be open to vulnerability? And the same for receiving such a gift?
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Post by blazinheart on Feb 12, 2008 12:48:41 GMT -5
But would you or would you not agree that in order to be willing and able to give that gift you have to allow yourself to be open to vulnerability? And the same for receiving such a gift? I don't know, I don't really look at it that way. Love in and of itself can't hurt, the pain comes from resisting love. Saying we need to be vulnerable is an oversimplification or even a mischaracterization. But I digress. I can understand people that resist love because of what love is capable of revealing. Love is like light that shines inside a person's heart. If a person has a lot to hide, they might not like the idea of letting love in. However, without love, a person simply cannot grow or progress past a certain point. Just like a plant can't grow without light. So those who resist love, resist growth.
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Post by JimB on Feb 12, 2008 15:57:24 GMT -5
She cites the reason for almost every single one of her failed relationships as the guy's lack of "emotional availability." Whoo hoo! Time to bring back the EU club! I think your friend's perspective is interesting, in that it says as much about her as anyone else. This is why I'm wary of people who are "pro's" at dating. Dating is not something you want to become a pro at. Why? Because being good at dating often means the walls and other protective mechanisms have been strengthened by experience. In other words, it's difficult to classify someone else as "emotionally unavailable" unless you're emotionally unavailable yourself. I actually had a conversation like this with the gf this morning. Yesterday she was really worked up over something, and was so focused on her own agitated state of mind that she couldn't let me in at all. In short, she was emotionally unavailable to me, and at a time when she really could have used my support. She explained herself this morning by explaining that everybody in her life eventually turns on her, and she's not used to having someone in her life that she can depend on. I told her that's not a good attitude to carry with you in the context of a relationship, and a life without trust is an empty life indeed. Occasionally she actually listens to me, and I think it got through today. Anyway, to bring this back to the topic at hand, I think people who are good at dating have fine tuned all their requirements, and tend to sit back and wait for the prospective partner to prove him/herself to be either suitable or unsuitable. So, in a way, the person who is good at dating puts himself in a position of power, rather than a position of acceptance. It's very difficult to accept love, or trust, or faith, when one's own defenses are built up so high and so strong. Some love is strong enough to break through those defenses, given the right set of circumstances, but in most cases, the one who wants to be loved must tear down those walls from within.
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hope
New Member
Posts: 36
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Post by hope on Feb 17, 2008 10:16:27 GMT -5
Good topic. I think it's hard to let yourself be loved, to accept that, when you don't feel deserving of love. I think my ex couldn't accept that he deserved me loving him and that's part of the reason he freaked out and pushed me away (then wants to be close again, then pulls away again when he freaks out again, etc.).
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Post by ionysis on Feb 18, 2008 9:10:38 GMT -5
I have no problems with accepting being loved at all. In fact I'm all for it. I'm great, amazing, fabulous - fully worthy of love in every way in fact.
However, once I've accepted love, I do have a problem with it being abruptly withdrawn for no good reason.
Its not that I have self-esteem issues, or don't "love myself enough" or any of that shiat. Its that I have basic issues with human beings - we all lie, we are all f*cked up and I think it is utter stupidity to "accept love" from someone who is about as able to be trsuted not to cause damage with it as a pyromaniac kid with a box of matches and a pre-existing record for arson - i.e. anyone still breathing.
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