scoobysnax
New Member
Enough about you...back to me.
Posts: 4
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Post by scoobysnax on Mar 21, 2008 23:40:27 GMT -5
It's SO ok to be where you are. Shit happens, and sometimes we have to start all over. I did, and I'm better for the experience.
Your what? 33? Well, at 33, I was living with my parents, engaged, and terribly sick of living by my parent's rules when I was over 30! I finally moved in with my fiance, and have since gotten married. It's never too late to rebuild.
I was a college senior at 35.
Just make sure to have definite goals in mind. If jobs are scarce where you are, then pick up and move.
If you are unhappy with your life and friends, then find new friends, but don't worry about getting rid of negative influences in your life AFTER finding positive ones. I...myself, am in a transition period of sorts, and have very few friends besides my husband.
It DOES get better...I promise!
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Post by finding on Mar 21, 2008 23:57:39 GMT -5
for what it's worth, i have the good job, the house, the car, and the money in the bank. however i'm not privileged enough to be a parent, and it's beginning to look like that's the one thing i really wanted that will never happen. i'd trade places with you in a minute. I know what a gift it is to have children. At the age of 16 I was told I would never be able to conceive, and should have never been able to, my children are true miracles. They deserved better than this though. My daughter will be out of the house in just a few years, and I won't be able to afford to send her to college. They are doing without now because of my choices and a bunch of stuff that is completely out of my hands. At this point in our lives things shouldn't have to be this hard.
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Post by murdock on Mar 22, 2008 0:40:05 GMT -5
Finding...re: the college thing.... being from a 1 parent home she can apply for financial aide and they base the ammount of aide she gets on your income... plus you have other dependents in the household and that will factor in too.
Jules... I am sorry about the baby situation. You seem like you would be a wonderful mother. I had my daughter when I was 17... I was on the pill when I got pregnant. My mother wanted me to have an abortion... I was in catholic school at the time. It was really hard for me to raise her when I was a child myself and I had practically no help from my family. My kids are driving me crazy tonight.. you just made me appreciate the insanity.
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Post by JimB on Mar 22, 2008 8:22:04 GMT -5
They deserved better than this though. .... At this point in our lives things shouldn't have to be this hard. Says who? This is why "should" is a dirty word in my book. You're dangerously close to cultivating an attitude of entitlement. Kids, and people in general, don't always get what they "deserve". And you know what? They usually don't care - they make do with what they have, because it's all they know. The attitude of focusing on what one doesn't have, rather than on what one does have, isn't innate - it can only be learned from an adult authority figure. So be careful. It's natural to want the best for one's kids. But don't fall into the trap of defining "the best" as "the best available to anyone, anywhere". I know some kids who've gotten that, and they've ended up more f*cked up than most. "The best" is "the best available to us, in this moment, given our circumstances". If you have smart kids (as I'm sure you do), they will find ways to transcend their circumstances to achieve greater things, if they want to.
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Post by finding on Mar 22, 2008 10:01:58 GMT -5
They deserved better than this though. .... At this point in our lives things shouldn't have to be this hard. Says who? This is why "should" is a dirty word in my book. You're dangerously close to cultivating an attitude of entitlement. Kids, and people in general, don't always get what they "deserve". And you know what? They usually don't care - they make do with what they have, because it's all they know. The attitude of focusing on what one doesn't have, rather than on what one does have, isn't innate - it can only be learned from an adult authority figure. So be careful. It's natural to want the best for one's kids. But don't fall into the trap of defining "the best" as "the best available to anyone, anywhere". I know some kids who've gotten that, and they've ended up more f*cked up than most. "The best" is "the best available to us, in this moment, given our circumstances". If you have smart kids (as I'm sure you do), they will find ways to transcend their circumstances to achieve greater things, if they want to. It's not about things, and having the best of the best. Material objects mean squat in the grand sceme of things. It's security and not having the peace of mind that things will be taken care of.
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Post by crushy on Mar 22, 2008 11:45:41 GMT -5
finding,look at it this way....your kids will be grown up by your mid 40's....when you're still young enough and hawt enough to travel and meet up with other hawties ;D I think people get too much pressure from society to have their lives happen according to a prescribed order of events...it's ridiculous. Oh yeah, my girl kittenhart said exactly what I was thinking only in probably a much better way.
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Post by crushy on Mar 22, 2008 11:54:53 GMT -5
They deserved better than this though. .... At this point in our lives things shouldn't have to be this hard. Says who? This is why "should" is a dirty word in my book. You're dangerously close to cultivating an attitude of entitlement. Kids, and people in general, don't always get what they "deserve". And you know what? They usually don't care - they make do with what they have, because it's all they know. The attitude of focusing on what one doesn't have, rather than on what one does have, isn't innate - it can only be learned from an adult authority figure. So be careful. It's natural to want the best for one's kids. But don't fall into the trap of defining "the best" as "the best available to anyone, anywhere". I know some kids who've gotten that, and they've ended up more f*cked up than most. "The best" is "the best available to us, in this moment, given our circumstances". If you have smart kids (as I'm sure you do), they will find ways to transcend their circumstances to achieve greater things, if they want to. ...and of course, my man JimB, said the other thing I was thinking. My sons have the brains to earn full scholarships, but are they working their tails to make that happen? No. This is something I remember explaining to my sons once, but even though there is probably a much better way to illustrate the point....If you find a $100 bill vs work hard to earn a $100 bill, would it make a difference in the way you spend it? As young as they were, they could see the $ found would be much easier to blow, but the $ they worked for, they would spend wisely. If they have to work for their educations, they will probably be that much more dedicated to succeed. I had my sons at 23 and 26, but I can't afford to send both of them to college either. My mom had me at 17 and I believe much of who I am is because I saw the sacrifices and resourcefulness of my mom. Heck, do you have any idea how much more scared I would have been to face divorce if I'd come from a perfect home where I had everything my mom felt I deserved? I knew I could do it with 2 kids alone and I have. I admire you, finding. You are strong. How many young women can do what you've done? Seriously? The fact these things are bothering you is just one more testament that you are a great mom and those kids are pretty darned lucky. Trust me, they will love and appreciate you like I do my mom. Crushy
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Post by JimB on Mar 22, 2008 23:30:12 GMT -5
It's not about things, and having the best of the best. Material objects mean squat in the grand sceme of things. It's security and not having the peace of mind that things will be taken care of. I never said anything about it being about things. Sense of entitlement can just as easily apply to ideas and concepts as material objects. No one is any more deserving of security and peace of mind than anyone else, and the absence of those things doesn't necessarily mean success in life is any less likely. At least, as long as we don't allow that absence to affect our attitude. Ultimately, we all must be grateful for what we do have, and not apply too much importance to what we don't. If something vital is indeed missing, either find a way to achieve it or learn to cope with its absence. Wringing of hands over things being the way they are is of no help to anyone.
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Mar 23, 2008 18:53:43 GMT -5
I think I understand what Jim is saying. It wasn't until this moment I think that I fully grasped that very thing. I cannot afford to blind myself with past regrets and wishing I didn't have to deal with this hand I've been dealt. But fact is.....life isn't fair. However I stand and look at myself fully acknowledging the mistakes that brought me the path they did and then I realize Im surrounded by beauty despite it all. I want to teach my kids that life is not certain but we can grasp every happiness and appreciate every second, even in the pain. Learn healthy ways to realize that no matter what, it is still possible. Don't give up L. You held me up during this time despite your own struggles, the mark of a great person. It is wearying, it is disheartening at times, definitely not fair all the time, but there is beauty, there is laughter and there are our children. You hold within you the keys to give your children important strengths. This is not beyond you or it would not have been entrusted to you. I can do this or it would not have been given to me. Two years ago I would not have been able to handle the death of their father. Now I look boldly at myself and realize that I am strong, I am capable I have made it thru this week and Easter to boot. Look at how far you have come L. I admire your strength. You don't need to lean anywhere else for that, it is inside you. Yeah we missed the perfect fairytale life.........but what fun is it if you cant write your own story? ((HUGS))
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Spike
Full Member
Posts: 123
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Post by Spike on Mar 24, 2008 6:50:50 GMT -5
Stop it L!!!
I'm 43, with 2 grandkids. And I'm the coolest Grampi on the planet!!! While the others are still getting through the "hard years", you'll be relaxing, and watching them.
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Post by Kim Possible on Mar 24, 2008 8:32:48 GMT -5
I think people get too much pressure from society to have their lives happen according to a prescribed order of events...it's ridiculous. This has to be a big factor here. We are expected to accomplish certain things by a certain age. Unless you do it 'in the correct sequence' there is something wrong with you. And who decides what the correct sequence is? My 38 yr old cousin got married 2 years ago, and is pregnant with her first baby. She is a beautiful intelligent woman. My mother always said "I guess she'll never settle down" and "i can't see why she can't find a husband". She dated a lot of men (in serious relationships lasting a few years), and traveled and enjoyed life. She lived with her parents (by choice) and obviously saved her money, spending it on things that were important to her. But according to my mom, she was doing something wrong, because she wasn't barefoot and pregnant. Well now whose doing it right, and whose doing it wrong (hint...me!!) But the thing is, I have finally realized that I am not doing it wrong. This is the path that I chose (and part of it was the hand I was given, I'd like to think). I am your age (so please don't say you're old ). Sure i wanted another kid, I wanted the house ( had it, we sold it because it was a financial and physical burden), I wanted to be the PTA mommy (but I can't since I have to work full time, and even if we were still together, I would have had to). And part of me does feel like you, thinking that about what if. Why didn't I do what my cousin did, and enjoy myself? But I now realize that I have plenty of time to do that. In only 10 years my daughter will be out of the house. And in the meantime, I thoroughly enjoy the downtime I have when she is not around. I don't know who or what EG is, but if it's a guy, don't sweat it. he obviously wasn't the one. There'll be other ones. In the meantime, enjoy your kids while you can. Yo know better than anyone, that life is short.
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Post by finding on Mar 24, 2008 10:09:37 GMT -5
I was talking to someone about all of this last night. What an amazing woman, she's going through a terrible time and took the time to listen to me and offered me some great advice.
I led an idyllic lifestyle up to about a year ago, and everything fell apart. My ex destroyed what I worked so hard to build with his lies, and then my parents stepped in and took advantage of a bad situation to get what they want without regard to what we wanted or needed.
Since the day I crossed the Oregon boarder my soul has been slowly sucked out of me. I have worked hard to try to make it here, but it just isn't.
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