Post by lostincali on Mar 23, 2008 22:43:17 GMT -5
I honestly thought I was past it all, but as my recent post indicates, I wasn't. It does seem to be a little bit easier this time. I've returned to my former ways. No contact at all, unless about the kids. I must admit though, it felt nice talking to her and finding out what she was really thinking these past 9 months. Who knows if what she told me was true, but it sounded good. My gut tells me that she realizes that she made a mistake, but too much has happened in 9 months. She told me that somehow, someway, she hopes we can work it out. I am sure she knows, just like I know, that we can't work it out. I don't think I will live long enough to be able to fit in the amount of therapy that we would need.
Having said all this, I do find myself checking my cell phone every little bit. I keep expecting her to message me. I know she will at some point. She will break. I find myself disappointed every time I check it and there are no messages. It's ridiculous. If she does message me, it just keeps me caught up in her even longer. If she doesn't, then I am disappointed and hurt.
No wonder you're feeling low again - it's inevitable but remember it won't last. You won't ever be as low as the time you first found out about all of this. And that makes you stronger. if you can get through this you can get through anything. Keep moving forward and keep taking care of yourself. Thinking of you.
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."