Can men and women be friends?

[redskyatnight]

Coming off a marriage that was nothing but an affair and lies, I am way over sensitive to the whole man/woman friendship thing. I think if a guy is alone with a girl, he's hitting on her. I didn't always think this way. I used to have friends who were men and never once thought about more.

So, I'm seeking the wisdom and opinions of the hugthaters to shed some new light on this for me.

Can men and women be strickly friends?

[ionysis]

Only if neither finds the other attractive.

So yes if you are fugly and so are they.

[goods]

They can be.... but not close friends.
It is all about situations, if a man and a woman spend a lot of time together, especially socially, drinking, eventually that friendship barrier will be crossed.

[sheyd]

I don't drink. If that line would be crossed for me, it would be by CHOICE. I CHOOSE not to cross that line. I AM close to guys, and have been many times in the past. I am also a cuddler. I have spent the night in a couple of guys' arms, without ANYTHING happening. Just a hug and a cuddle. I have learned there are times and situations that are dangerous, I avoid them.

For example... I am still friends with the guy that was my f-buddy. While Harry is home, I will go visit him, either out or at his place, alone, for a few hours. However, Harry always knows where I am, can call me at any time, is there when I get home, etc. He trusts me, and he is right to trust me. In about a month and a half Harry will be gone two weeks. During those two weeks I WON'T be seeing that particular friend. Not because I would do anything, but because he wouldn't be here to verify for himself that I am not. I don't want him to worry.

I have another friend, a guy, that was my cuddlebuddy for a year before Harry came on the scene. I miss him, now, because his girlfriend is the jealous type who doesn't think men and women can be friends. I wouldn't visit him in his town without Harry, and I wouldn't expect him to come here without his girlfriend (who is very welcome in my home if she ever chooses to come). However, he and I have spent MANY hours alone, without doing anything - even when we were both single. That isn't our friendship. (To be absolutely honest, we would drive each other insane if we were to try to date!)

I think it is selling men and women short to assume they can't spend time together platonically. Even if attraction IS there - an honorable person doesn't need to act on it. A smart person will remove themselves from the situation if they are afraid they might. A naive person will assume there wouldn't BE attraction if you truly loved someone else, or that you could avoid those situations merely by avoiding members of the opposite sex. Better to practice self-control (including about how dangerous you allow the situation to be) than to practice exclusion.

Shey

[loshyra]

I think that they can be, even with a lot of socializing and so forth.

Case in point, one of my closest and best friends is a man. We will call him C and we have been awesome friends since he moved in next door to my apartment with his ex in 2000. He is like a brother to me. Now mind you, that I think he is attractive and he thinks I am too, but we have never NOT once in 8 years done more then hug. And that is with years of us traveling around UT and NV together, alone. He nows live in Cancun with his new wife, and I still live in UT. We talk a lot, and I miss him being in UT.

Another case in point is another friend. He is a Dr, so I will just call him Dr X, he is a really good friend of mine, and we talk, A LOT! He used to live in UT but now lives in Georgia with his new wife and family. We used to date when he lived here. BOTH of us wanted each other and were attracted to each other, in more then a "friendship" kind of way. He is still a really good friend, and we talk about everything from weather to kids, to how him and his wife are to how me and my husband are. Before they moved to Georgia, me and him went out and had one last dinner together. He was married, and I was leaving the next day to get married. Nothing happened, and both spouses knew that we had gone out together.

My husband knows about both, and knows my past with both. And he knows that he is my lover, and best friend above everyone else.

[Phoenixx]

I'm gonna argue the other point. I think they can be. My best friend is a guy. I've known him for over ten years. I look at him and see a very attractive guy and he has told me numerous times that he thinks I'm beautiful. We flirt in a jokey manner, but that's because we are both flirty people and tend to do it with everyone. There is, however, absolutely *nothing* going on, never has and never will. Some people don't understand this and I get told frequently that either something will happen or must already be going on. I've stopped arguing the point. Men and women *can* be friends,without having to have the uncontrollable urge to jump into bed together.

On the other side, a part of me has found it difficult to accept that two people who had feelings/a sexual relationship for/with eachother can be friends. This could be a failing/limitations in my thinking, however, and not an actual rule that affects everyone.

I think blanket statements like "men and women cant be friends" are dangerous. I can only speak for myself. In my world, they can. I know people who havent been able to remember boundaries, but I also know people who can, and have, and been friends for years.

[JimB]

It's not really the right question.

I say that because nobody worries about inter-gender friendships if both parties are single. They're friends, or FWB's, or something else undefinable - it doesn't matter that much. It only becomes important when one or both are in a committed relationship.

That said, I'm a firm believer in the value of people, regardless of their gender. If I share a valuable connection with someone, I work to keep them in my life, even if on the surface it seems inappropriate. It is a fact that many of the women with whom I'm now friends are either exes or ex-crushes. Some are even current crushes - it's bound to happen. But for me, attraction and friendship have a great deal in common - the line is very blurry.

So I've laid down a couple of rules to preserve the sanctity of my relationship. The external rule is no one-on-one in-person socializing with any member of the opposite sex whom she hasn't met. This doesn't require me to give up my friendships, but it does keep her informed as to what I'm doing and what she can expect. The more I think about it, the more this kind of thing seems like common courtesy.

There's also a complete set of internal rules. I'm not going to go into great detail, but they can be summed up like this: I'm aware of my own tendencies and instincts, and also of the vagueness of the line between friendship and attraction. Intimate connections of any kind are rare and precious to me, but they are also inevitable, unless you live in a literal or metaphorical cave. So I have a fairly elaborate set of checks and balances. I sometimes envy those for whom these things are black and white - it would be so much simpler....

[jules]

Apr 8, 2008 8:21:04 GMT -5 sheyd said:

I think it is selling men and women short to assume they can't spend time together platonically. Even if attraction IS there - an honorable person doesn't need to act on it. A smart person will remove themselves from the situation if they are afraid they might. A naive person will assume there wouldn't BE attraction if you truly loved someone else, or that you could avoid those situations merely by avoiding members of the opposite sex. Better to practice self-control (including about how dangerous you allow the situation to be) than to practice exclusion.

I agree completely. I still believe in strength of character and integrity. I guess these seem to be disposable values in today's society. But I like to think that there are some of us out there who still value these like I do.

[cdngurl]

Yes - men and women can be friends. Like Phoenixx, my best friend is male. I've known him for 15 years, he was there when my first daughter was born, was there for me when my mom died.. will always be there. He's like a brother.

We could never be together in any way other than friends and have both had extended periods of being single and never ever crossed that line. Maybe it is different because we never dated?

Anyhoo ... for sure it is possible.
My husband is slowly slowy getting used to it...

[kittenhart]

Men and women can just be friends even if they both find each other attractive...I think having an awareness of your own weak areas (like Shey and JimB have already said) is important. Also knowing that just because you are good friends with someone platonically doesn't mean it would work out as a romantic relationship.....that has been a limiting factor for me before in not letting boundaries get crossed.

I think the biggest problem is that spouses and partners can misunderstand and get jealous, and that often the people in a mixed-gender platonic relationship end up basically ending their friendship when they get involved romantically with someone, because it's too awkward and ruffles too many feathers to keep the friendship going. And that sort of sucks but it is something I have often observed.

[shattered]

Yes, men and women can absolutely be strictly just friends.

But these are relationships that develop unplanned over time -- e.g., by spending day after day with someone at school or at work.

If you meet someone new at a party, for instance, and there is even a little bit of attraction and you start hanging out, then that is not "just friends" -- it is flirtatious with the possibility leading to more.

Of course, romantic relationships can develop at school or work too, so if there is any attraction and you have a SO, you need to limit your alone time with this person. I do think it's virtually impossible to be going out for dinner etc. and hanging out if both people are atttracted to each other and not have something happen eventually, alchohol or not.

Men and women can be friends -- but that doesn't mean ALL women can be friends with ALL men. Sometimes attraction does get in the way, of course.

When I think of my four closest male friends -- two from high school and two from work -- three of them are like brothers to me.

Not one flirtatious moment, no attraction, and wonderful friendships. Their wives know me and like me, my boyfriends in the past have met them, etc. (And they are not "fugly" and neither am I -- we simply feel neutral about each other sexually.)

One of these four friends, however (old high school buddy), I had an on/off one-year rather passionate fling with. Technically speaking, we have been strictly friends for the past 9 years (i.e., nothing physical), but when we see each other or talk to each other, there is something intangible there that is different, in a man-woman sense, than when I interact with my "brother" friends. (We do hang out alone occasionally, and eventhough he has a serious girlfriend he sometimes tries to hook up with me again, but I don't go for it. He's a bit of a self-admitted snake, and he cheats on his girlfriend occasionally with other women, but I don't want to be one of them.)

So, it depends on each individual man and woman.

[Kim Possible]

this is going to sound really 'double standard' like, but it's the truth that is my life.

one of my best friends is a guy. he is 4 yrs older than me, and was my brother's best friend (my brother committed suicide 13.5 yrs ago) That, coupled with our divorces, and love of the same music, movies and sports teams, has made us very close. In the past 2 years, we have been the closest we ever were. He is essentially my big brother. He is my daughter's Godfather. I tell him practically everything. He is my 'male perspective' and I am his 'female perspective'. We are both in committed relationships, and share our stories, our ups, downs and insecurities. When my bf and I first started dating, he was overseas and we would only communicate via phone and e-mail. My bf admitted he was suspicious at first, at the closeness of our relationship. Now that he is back home for about 6 months, we have all hung out together. His gf is overseas and planning on relocating here soon, but has been here a couple times and we've all gone out.

I can understand why he felt the way he did at first, because I know I would have felt the same way. I sometimes wonder if my bf had a female counterpart like that in his life, how I would feel. But ` I think it has a lot to do with JimB's rule, about knowing the other person. My bf plays darts, and I found out at the beginning of the season that there were two 'new girls' on his team (the team I am not on with him). I couldn't help but wondering what these chicks were about. And one of them shares a name with my ex's gf (the OW ). As stupid as it sounded, it bothered me big time. Until I met them. After about 30 seconds I was absolutely fine. They're actually nice people, but I can see that there is nothing there that should intimidate me. As shallow as it sounds I was fine with it for the same reason my bf was fine about my 'big brother'... primarily cosmetic reasons. But I can see that there is nothing there, just as I hope my bf can see there is nothing with my bb and I.

BUT, I have to say, I don't know how I'd feel knowing my bf and any of his ex's are friends. The 'friends after a relationship' is not something I have experience with, and my initial thought is that there's always that chance that something could be resurrected. I know my bf feels that way, as evidenced by the one phone conversation I had with my ex bf since we are together.