six months later

[super]

I don't smile as much as I used to. I feel guarded and scarred. I wonder if I'll ever be open to falling in love freely. I wonder if I can shake off the feeling of me first, and the thought that I'll never put myself out for anyone else. I'm still in denial. I keep thinking you'll contact me. I don't want you, but I really want you to want me. I hate you more everyday. I forgive you for leaving, but not for destroying me when you did it. You didn't have to hurt me so much, and leave such a long road to recovery. I really want to hurt you back. I wish I hadn't been so kind.

I have so many friends now. I go out all the time instead of sitting at home being lonely. I am dating someone who I don't love, and who doesn't love me, but we have so much fun together. I get to do whatever I want now. I go ice climbing, snowboarding, to parties, whenever I want to. I went for a 3.5 hour run and didn't even talk about our break-up. I only mention you in an abstract way. I haven't really cried about you or us in ages. I use bigger words and all my friends understand them. I can be friends with anyone, because now I don't have to worry about you being uncomfortable around them. I don't need to feel guilty that you're sitting home alone when I'm out volunteering, running, having fun, living life! I think I am truly happy even if I am kind of lonely for the first time in years.

[super]

PS. I missed the 6 month anniversary by three days. I guess it's just not such a big deal. I can't believe it's been 6 months, and I don't really miss you.

[redskyatnight]

You have come such a long way. I admire your strength. You'll smile as much as you used to again. Maybe more, but no need to rush it. You are heading in the right direction.

[sheyd]

Apr 24, 2008 15:38:36 GMT -5 super said:

I don't smile as much as I used to. I feel guarded and scarred. I wonder if I'll ever be open to falling in love freely. I wonder if I can shake off the feeling of me first, and the thought that I'll never put myself out for anyone else.

This stuff is in your power to change. It is scary, and even a little crazy-making sometimes, but you CAN do it. You may get hurt again, maybe even worse because they could hit in the same spots you are already bruised. It is worth it, though. It is worth it for the beautiful things that come with sharing yourself and having others share themselves with you. You ALWAYS have the choice of how much you put yourself out there - if you don't like how much it is now, change it. If you are happy where you are, there is nothing wrong with being more guarded either.

The rest of it sounds like you are getting your life and self back. That is WONDERFUL. The lonely part you will change when you are ready to.

Shey

[crushy]

I'm so happy for you. Isn't it fun to explore that part of yourself you put aside for them?

I saw that you'd missed your anniversary date and literally had to look to see if it was my date or if it had already passed. Tomorrow would be...oh my gosh!!!!!! 26 yrs being together, 22 together and 15 married!!!! I can't believe I wasted so much time trying to make the man of my dreams fit who he was when I met him at 13 and now I literally have the man of my dreams that I am going to marry next month.

I don't recommend marrying your first love. What do you have to compare it to? We did break up for a while and date others which made me even more itchy than before, but I think I married him because we didn't want the other with someone else.

I have 2 gorgeous, smart sons to show for it as well as a very deep appreciation for the man I am going to marry. Honestly, we are both happier. Sounds like you will be too. Cherish your freedom and your pick of the crop. You no longer have to settle, girl. You are free and that is something to be embraced....

Crushy