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Post by ionysis on May 9, 2008 13:41:50 GMT -5
So. That's it then.
Day 1 of no contact.
I love you. More than ever now I've made this choice.
If I'd said I'd go to conselling then it would only have hurt more in the end. We can't fix this. I can't try to any longer. It should be simple. You love me or you don't. It just got too hard.
If you said you wanted to go to therapy together it would have been different but every time you haven't been able to make the choice on your own. You needed Dr Amer to tell you to go to counselling. Why can't you make your own decisions?
I can't do this any more.
But I love you so much and I miss you. I will miss you always.
I want to call you.
Would counselling make any difference? Can a therapist tell you to love me? Oh, I just want to sleep. Sleep forever and always. I feel pulled inside out. I love you. I love you.
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Post by sheyd on May 9, 2008 13:59:30 GMT -5
Such a hard decision - now the even harder part comes in. We will be here for Day 2, and 3, and as many days as it takes.
Help yourself, now - keep busy, and don't let your mind over-romanticize him. When you want to say "I love you" stop your brain and remind yourself of the pain. Remind yourself of the lack of REAL effort, remind yourself of the times there was failure. He may be all the things you love, but he is ALSO all the things that drove you to this point. Don't weaken yourself by remembering the best things, or dwelling in the "if onlys" - you can't make him go into one of those scenarios - he is his own person, and it was the scenarios he DID choose that brought you here.
Stay strong, at least in your actions, and choose things and people and songs and activities that HELP you stay strong. This will be hard, but you can do it - you CAN... and you will feel better. You can always love someone, but you don't have to see them to do it, and you don't have to be with them, and you don't have to make them your routine. You can be independent of them, and that isn't letting go of anything that matters.
Shey
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Post by kittenhart on May 9, 2008 15:53:02 GMT -5
Dig out that list you made and posted ( can't find it now) of all the bad things about him so you can remind yourself. You deserve someone to love you passionately and without hesitation, E. You really do, hun. You know that, right?
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Post by Phoenixx on May 9, 2008 16:46:11 GMT -5
i'm sorry it's had to come to this, Ion...(hugs)
I'll be thinking of you...
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Post by ionysis on May 10, 2008 10:11:22 GMT -5
Thank you guys. I really appreciate it. I haven't been here for a long time because work has been really stressful.
KH, I'm so sorry to hear you haven't been well. I hope you have been feeling better recently and wish you all the best.
Thank Shey, I appreciate your reply so much, you are always so sensible and you always make me feel stronger.
Phoenix, glad you are still around. This is so hard. Again. But it is my own fault. I have to learn to value myself. And see the writing on the wall. I have to be strong.
I'll be writing here a bit more I think, just because I need to do that rather than speak to him. But I AM doing the right thing and I DO deserve more. I want more. I so hope I find it sometime. One day. But until then, thank God I have made my own life and I'm not still in the place I was 18 mths ago.
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Post by sheyd on May 10, 2008 12:33:20 GMT -5
You ARE in a much better place - you survived before, and you found things in your life that make you happy - you know you CAN be happy without him in it daily - so you are already in a better stronger place than before. You DO deserve better - and you are loving yourself enough to go out there and get it!
Shey
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Post by Phoenixx on May 10, 2008 13:43:00 GMT -5
Phoenix, glad you are still around. This is so hard. Again. But it is my own fault. I have to learn to value myself. And see the writing on the wall. I have to be strong. I'm still here. And I know where you are right now. I made the same decision myself just a few days ago, and yes you're right. You do have to value yourself. You should be number one to yourself. It is hard. But we'll be here. (hugs) Still thinking of you. |
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Post by crushy on May 11, 2008 3:39:49 GMT -5
Ion ~ Like the others said, while it hurts to know you're in pain again, you sound so much stronger than last time. You can look back and be proud of where you are now. I know when you're in pain, it's hard to see the differences, but they are there and you are going to make/find the happiness you deserve. We are all here for you. Crushy  |
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Post by kittenhart on May 11, 2008 15:25:11 GMT -5
It is good that when you feel tempted to call him you are posting here instead....you ARE stronger now than last time, and I do think you will move on quicker this time. You seem much calmer in your posts, too.
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Post by ionysis on Jun 3, 2008 17:52:32 GMT -5
Just woke from a dream. I dreamed we were watching moulin rouge in your flat in london and "Your Song" came on and you looked at me as though you had never loved anyone so much in your life. Then you took me in your arms and kissed me and you made love to me and I felt like the world was made just for us, the world was made just for that moment...then I woke up. And I realised it wasn't a dream. It was a memory.
Why? Why does this happen in my sleep? Its so unfair! "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." Bullshit! I need a lobotomy. I hate my mind; I hate life, I hate everthing. I hurt in places I never knew existed before I knew you. My heart is broken. I'm broken.
The way you held me, the way you looked at me, the way you touched me... I want to die now, right now, just because right now I remember so vividly how that felt, and to have felt that is to live. Without it I may as well be dead. That feeling, that hope, that love... It wasn't what made life worthwhile, it WAS my life. You were my life.
You are my life. Whether it is you or just how you make me feel... I need you, I love you, you are my life, everything that makes it worth living. The only time I've ever felt truly alive was when I was with you. You are my soul. When I was with you I soared, wihout you I can survive but you are the spark that gives me life, that makes me who I am. I will love you until my dying day.
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Jun 3, 2008 18:00:48 GMT -5
((((ION))))
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Post by RO on Jun 3, 2008 19:02:55 GMT -5
Oh, Ion...I wish I could relieve you from the pain in your heart. I have always believed that dreams are helping us work through something but in this case it seems even more painful. hugs.  |
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Post by ionysis on Jun 4, 2008 3:12:01 GMT -5
Sorry, I'd been drinking too. Got maudlin and upset myself. Ugh. No more wine! (I have a hangover). I won't LET myself hurt. I wont.
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Post by Phoenixx on Jun 5, 2008 5:29:59 GMT -5
I'm sorry, Ion. Seems like sometimes it gets harder each day, not easier, huh? I can't make you feel better, but I can tell you that you've been down this road before, and it didn't beat you last time, and it isn't gonna beat you this time. Still thinking of you. ((HUGSS))
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Post by JimB on Jun 5, 2008 7:46:40 GMT -5
I won't LET myself hurt. I wont. Just a thought.... Perhaps it's better to let the hurt be what it is. It doesn't make you weak - it makes you human. And pain is no fun, but it can help you stay the course.... |
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