Post by hoodieprincess on Jun 16, 2008 17:10:15 GMT -5
...To try and find some understanding and to have a place to reflect upon them for future refrence...
Getting feelings for someone is hard. It scares me. I honestly think that is why I keep several people around just casually. It is easier than getting involved. It is easier than getting close with someone. So instead, I keep several people around who are okay just keeping things casual and friendly...Mostly. I am digging my own hole I fear. Somewhere I have put my own walls up so high, I am not sure how to get past them. I have the mentality that I don't have time to make something work and so I just don't do it. That's hard. And while most of the people around are probably not worth the time to really make something work, I wonder what to do when a couple have started asking for more.
Then comes the part that is inevitable...What do you do when you start to develop feelings for someone? The kind that build over a long period of time? The ones you feel like you shouldn't be getting? The ones that take you by surprise and catch you off guard? That's where I am now. I don't know quite what it is I am feeling. I would say right now that I don't think I should have feelings for this person. Ironically, it seems to be on the lips of everyone close to me. I have been told I am blind to see what is happening and that I am in denial. Everyone I love seems to be supportive of what they say they see happening here as it seems to not be a one way thing. Yet, neither of us are up for admitting it to even ourselves on a serious note (though I seem to be in the 1st step of that and I know he's had a couple talks with his brother at this point about it). I find more and more that people have been talking about it between themselves and say they see more than I see. It's been going on a little for a while but as time passes, it's something people have started to actually hope for for both of us. I think it finally hit me a few weeks ago when this person came up for the weekend. I spent all Saturday with him, my children, and my best friends. I spent the night @ my friends (where he was staying too and yes, I slept alone and on the couch). We spent the day together Sunday and when he left Sunday, I suddenly felt sad. I couldn't explain it and was totally surprised. Nothing has ever happened between me and this man aside from a little flirting now and then. But, we've kind of been on each other's radar for almost 18 months now. I sent him a text a few days later, just one of those friendship ones, and got an answer back from him telling me how it gave him goosebumps to think about and how he missed all of us here and then siglned out me and my kids and said that he wished he was back in town. Maybe with this next part, I should point out that my best friends are a married couple and it is the guys brother...He told my best friends that he wanted them and their children to move to the town he lives 4 hours south of here. He then asked me if I thought my kids and I could move down there because he would really love us to. I am just in kind of the shock phase of this. I don't know what this is or what I am doing. I don't know what the feelings I have are and even if I figure them out, I am afraid to act on them given what it might do to our "family" (as we call it) if things were to go wrong. My best friends are indeed more like a family to me than my own. And her parents are like parents to me...My friend's kids call me "Aunt Amy". All of them say they see something I don't. But what, I wonder?
Okay...Again, I had to get this out there just because it's driving me crazy today. He is coming up this next weekend because he promised my daughter he'd come up to celebrate her birthday. He's asked us to make sure we stay the weekend at my friends' so he can see us as much as possible while he's in town. Maybe that's why I can't get it off my mind. But, I pretty much feel getting my thoughts down here will give me a place to come back and reflect when I read this later. Any opinions are welcome but I don't expect them...If I get them, I am expecting the good and the bad, I can handle it. But really, it's just a reflection...
Getting feelings for someone is hard. It scares me. I honestly think that is why I keep several people around just casually. It is easier than getting involved. It is easier than getting close with someone. So instead, I keep several people around who are okay just keeping things casual and friendly...Mostly. I am digging my own hole I fear. Somewhere I have put my own walls up so high, I am not sure how to get past them. I have the mentality that I don't have time to make something work and so I just don't do it. That's hard. And while most of the people around are probably not worth the time to really make something work, I wonder what to do when a couple have started asking for more.
Then comes the part that is inevitable...What do you do when you start to develop feelings for someone? The kind that build over a long period of time? The ones you feel like you shouldn't be getting? The ones that take you by surprise and catch you off guard? That's where I am now. I don't know quite what it is I am feeling. I would say right now that I don't think I should have feelings for this person. Ironically, it seems to be on the lips of everyone close to me. I have been told I am blind to see what is happening and that I am in denial. Everyone I love seems to be supportive of what they say they see happening here as it seems to not be a one way thing. Yet, neither of us are up for admitting it to even ourselves on a serious note (though I seem to be in the 1st step of that and I know he's had a couple talks with his brother at this point about it). I find more and more that people have been talking about it between themselves and say they see more than I see. It's been going on a little for a while but as time passes, it's something people have started to actually hope for for both of us. I think it finally hit me a few weeks ago when this person came up for the weekend. I spent all Saturday with him, my children, and my best friends. I spent the night @ my friends (where he was staying too and yes, I slept alone and on the couch). We spent the day together Sunday and when he left Sunday, I suddenly felt sad. I couldn't explain it and was totally surprised. Nothing has ever happened between me and this man aside from a little flirting now and then. But, we've kind of been on each other's radar for almost 18 months now. I sent him a text a few days later, just one of those friendship ones, and got an answer back from him telling me how it gave him goosebumps to think about and how he missed all of us here and then siglned out me and my kids and said that he wished he was back in town. Maybe with this next part, I should point out that my best friends are a married couple and it is the guys brother...He told my best friends that he wanted them and their children to move to the town he lives 4 hours south of here. He then asked me if I thought my kids and I could move down there because he would really love us to. I am just in kind of the shock phase of this. I don't know what this is or what I am doing. I don't know what the feelings I have are and even if I figure them out, I am afraid to act on them given what it might do to our "family" (as we call it) if things were to go wrong. My best friends are indeed more like a family to me than my own. And her parents are like parents to me...My friend's kids call me "Aunt Amy". All of them say they see something I don't. But what, I wonder?
Okay...Again, I had to get this out there just because it's driving me crazy today. He is coming up this next weekend because he promised my daughter he'd come up to celebrate her birthday. He's asked us to make sure we stay the weekend at my friends' so he can see us as much as possible while he's in town. Maybe that's why I can't get it off my mind. But, I pretty much feel getting my thoughts down here will give me a place to come back and reflect when I read this later. Any opinions are welcome but I don't expect them...If I get them, I am expecting the good and the bad, I can handle it. But really, it's just a reflection...
