I wish only the worst for you.

[shattered]

I wish that bad things would happen to you.

Truly, I do.

The only reason I hope my bad wishes for you don't come true is because of your children -- whom I bonded with, whom you knew I was beginning to love, whom you let me get close to, and just as I had embraced the concept of becoming their stepmom and you knew how excited I was about it, you ripped everything away from me.

The pain of missing you and you rejecting me is getting less. But the pain of missing C. and B. is growing. I will never get over losing them. How could you do this to me. How.

So, since your children love and need their father, I will not hope that you die a miserable death or something along those lines.

But I do wish that you could feel, for one single day, the pain and devastation that you have caused me. No, I wish that you could feel this pain every day for the rest of your life.

But I know that won't happen.

You will never be physically wracked with pain, your whole body convulsing, because you just can't believe that you will never hold me in your arms again, never make love to me again, never snuggle under the covers with me again. Never have dinner with your kids again, just the four of us.

No, if you were capable of such feelings for me, you never would have cut me from your life from one moment to the next like a moldy piece of cheese.

How could you, how could you, how could you, Mr. Sensitive, Mr. Honor and Integrity, HOW COULD YOU make love to me THAT VERY MORNING, gazing into my eyes, whispering "I love you" -- HOW -- and then that very night calmly tell me you intend to never see me again as long as you live.

HOW could your last words to me, with the results of our lovemaking still inside me just 10 hours later, be "see ya"?

HOW can you look at yourself in the mirror after how you treated me???

The fact that I know you have no problem whatsoever looking at yourself in the miror, fills me with such rage and pain and helplessness and agony, that I start all over again wishing only the worst for you.

You deserve to suffer. You like to act like you are such a good and decent and honorable man.

You are NOT.

I wish only the worst for you.

[sheyd]

Do you ever notice when you think of those things you get all worked up? You relive them, you agonize over them, you get wrapped up in them and even may miss some of what else is going on around you? I used to actually walk around talking to myself/him - yelling at him not only in my head, but under my breath.

The way to stop it? Stop picking the scab. Stop reliving it, stop re-remembering it, stop torturing yourself. What he did, said, is, was - that is all your past. While you look backwards, you are missing NOW. You are the only one who can control your own thoughts - and it isn't easy. But don't let yourself remember that stuff, if you start going there, STOP. Do whatever it takes to distract yourself!

[shattered]

Yes, I do notice that. I don't think I'm missing stuff around me, as I'm very involved in life, my friends, my job, my cats, my passions and interests, etc., but yes, I certainly do get worked up when I relive these things.

I just can't manage to stop it. At work, everyone just knows me as the fun outgoing person, which I am, but noone has any idea that while I can be largely distracted while I'm at work, it's a different situation entirely when I go home and I'm by myself.

Same thing with my friends -- I hardly ever bring this up with them (nor have I since the first month or so) -- and they all think I'm doing great.

I am trying so hard, put on a happy face (sometimes it's real, othertimes I have to fake it), am very involved in my friends' lives, always showing interest and concern for them, I have hobbies and causes I'm involved in, I count my blessings, etc. etc. but no matter what, I am always accompanied by this pain and disbelief and overwhelming sense of loss and grief.

I'm also in couseling and on medication. I've read every broken-heart self-help book and article I could get my hands on. I"m posting here. I've tried working throught he anger and pain, have tried ignoring it, have tried just letting it be, and have tried every distraction I can think of.

I don't know what else to do.

I really, really, really hate this.

[sheyd]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things - it will just take time. For me, when those things get to me, the thing that really worked was just STOPPING the thoughts. If I started to go there, I would WRENCH myself away from it. I would read a book an MAKE myself get into the words, or call a friend and talk about anything else but what my mind wanted to think of, I would take a walk and make myself TRULY LOOK at a flower or something. My mind would try to scream at me or put pictures of things in there, I would ignore it and make something else replace it. Some people have tried the snapping rubber band thing... anything to take your mind out of that endless loop. It will get easier with time, but it does take awhile. It is like fighting yourself - your rational brain trying to arm wrestle your emotional one. For awhile your emotional one will just win, hands down, every time. But the more you "work out" your rational one, the more it will start winning. Eventually you won't have to fight yourself (at least on that issue). It will get easier - just keep doing all those right things!

[goods]

I've found myself in the past obsessing about things.... the same thoughts over and over.... till I do something to get it out of my head, call her, text her, throw it in her face.. it never relieved any of my pain, just made it worse..... A friend told me I had to commit to letting it go, to never bringing it up again. So now if I have a thought, I try to replace it with a happier one... and I am committed to never bringing up the past again.

[shattered]

Shey -- yes, it's exactly like fighting yourself. And I can't tell you how exhausted I am from it!
I have no choice but to keep on keeping on, I just wish I didn't still feel so utterly hopeless so often.

Goods -- yep, same thoughts over and over. Though I never contacted him in any way, shape, or form after the dumping. Not once. That hasn't helped, though!
I am trying to do the replace-with-other-memories thing, I really am.

[goods]

Everyone is on a different timeline AND just when you have got through the rough stuff, something is bound to throw some pain right back into your face.... The only thing you can do is make a commitment to yourself to let it go, dive into new adventures, new experiences... Make so major changes in your life.... Are you in the career you hoped to be in 10 years ago? If not, what can you do to make that happen. Are living where you wanted to live, have you experienced the things you wanted to experience? Personally I am trying to take that leap, to let go of the coasting I've done through life, to take some risks.

[shattered]

Goods, that is the kind of stuff I am trying to focus on.

I, too, feel like I've coasted through much of my life, and I really want to take more focused action.

[goods]

It will happen... just wake up everyday asking, "how will I make my life better today?"