trip
Junior Member
Posts: 62
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Post by trip on Jul 9, 2008 7:38:36 GMT -5
Strong as always Ionysistisisisisisist. Hang in there hottie. he's not for you. You already see that, you just need to start believing. Its easier to say than to do, but make that your goal. Stay focused and aim for believing that and before you know it your mind will clear up and you will laugh at the fact you grieved over him so much. You da bomb.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Jul 9, 2008 11:13:02 GMT -5
Thanks Guys, I really appreciate it. All my pain comes from desperately wanting and trying to control something which is entirely out of my hands. I can't make him do anything. I can't make him be something I want him to be. I just have to let go. I'm trying to trust that this is all for a reason, that I'm learning from this, learning about myself, learning how to deal with life better, how to control what I can and release the desire to control what I cannot. I'm coming to believe that I HAVE to believe in a higher purpose of some sort. I'm not religious per se but I do think that at this point I must just put myself in the hands of fate and accept that this is just the way things are. There is nothing I can do to alter my circumstances right now with regards to R. The only thing I can do is work on myself, try to find something which moves me, which makes my life worth living that IS within my ability to control. I need to find a job I love, something in my life to live for which is not another person. I need to find my reason for happiness, my passion, and make sure that what makes me happy, what makes my life worthwhile is not the love of another faulty human being, not something which can be taken away from me. It has to be something which comes from inside myself. I need to find something to love as much as I love R but something healthy, whole and meaningful. A purpose, a vocation. I don't know what that may be yet but perhaps the whole point of the last two years is to give me the ability to discover it. maybe this can give me the strength to move out of the rut I've got myself into and find something to do with my life which makes me light up inside. I hope so. Wonderful post hun. I am so proud of you.
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blu
Full Member
Posts: 145
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Post by blu on Jul 9, 2008 14:02:00 GMT -5
Wow, you are truly amazing. i am so sorry it has come to this, but I must say i hope if I ever need it again (or when) I can muster this kind of courage and fire.
Sometimes a strength of a woman is never known until put to the test. I agree with JimB this is something you have had some practice at and maybe like quitting smoking it just takes a few times to really quit for good. Looks like you have all the right stuff to make it.
Glad today is a better day!
Blu
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Post by ionysis on Jul 10, 2008 0:36:11 GMT -5
Thanks all, I just hope I'm as strong as I sound. This morning at least I'm not crying, I'm angry. Not so much at him but at myself. What happened from January to now is almost EXACTLY a carbon copy of what happened last JAnuary to last september. Literally almost an exact replica of the situation point by point. He comes back, says he still wants us to see how things go, I get gradually sucked in again, I find out about him sleeping with other people, he can't commit to anything more serious than one day at a time until eventually I find out a lie so blatent that I have to just say enough is enough.
I can't blame him this time. The first time yes, but this time I should have known. i did know. The signs were all there. I just hoped and hoped and hoped that this time it would be different, that if I gave him enough time that he would eventually move towards me rather than further away. I am such an idiot. How could I do this AGAIN?! I've put myself through 18 months of hell because I just wasn't strong enough to walk away and let go. I mean I'm not a stupid woman, I should have seen it, why am I so blind, so pathetic when it comes to him?
I will NEVER let this happen again. NEVER.
Perhaps this is meant to be a lesson, that I have to repeat the same mistakes again and again until I learn what I was doing wrong, become in tune with my gut instincts, and finally get things right. I need to explore this with a therapist. I cannot ever let myself do this again and I know that I could fall back into this cycle with him in another six months time if I don't get to the bottom of it.
I still get that horrible caterwauling wail rising up inside me though - "Why? Why can't he just love me? Why can't he let us be happy? Why does he keep doing this to me? Why can't he let me go? Why can't he accept my love and let us be together? Why? Why? Why?".
It doesn't do any good, it just makes me upset. I don't know the whys. I only know the facts. He doesn't want to marry me. He doesn't want a relationship with me. But he can't let go of me. So I have to let go of him. Logic I can handle right now. Emotions, "whys" not so much.
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Post by Kim Possible on Jul 10, 2008 8:41:20 GMT -5
Perhaps this is meant to be a lesson, that I have to repeat the same mistakes again and again until I learn what I was doing wrong, become in tune with my gut instincts, and finally get things right. I need to explore this with a therapist. You've been dealing with this for over a year, and you haven't been to therapy? I noticed in another post you mentioned taking anti-depressants.... but no therapy to go with it? I have no formal experience in mental health (just my own, lol, and being a nurse), but that's really not advisable to just take meds and not have any sort of counseling or therapy. Okay, this might sound like the pot calling the kettle black, (b/c I am nowhere near "strong") but I think it needs to be said: I fail to see how you keep going back to him at his beckon call makes you strong. I cannot imagine how this guy makes you feel. Again, I am not really one to talk, especially since my ex has done nothing but treat me like sh*t since he left me. he has never hinted at a reconciliation either, so I can't really say. But I know based on the way he has treated me while we've been apart is enough for me to want to NEVER be with him again. He must really have some sort of hold over you. I've followed your story peripherally here and on ojar, and it breaks my heart to see you being so controlled by this man. Your life has been on hold since this happened, right? While he goes around and decides what he wants out of life, sleeping around with other women, while you just sit here and wait. Wait for what? Wait for him to do it to you all over again? I know this is a great place for support, but apparently for you, it is not enough. You really really really need professional help. Someone who is not going to sugar coat it by telling you how string you are. I'm usually not this blunt, and I do apologize. But after following this thread, I just can't help but want to take you by the hands and shake you. You have to rid yourself of this guy once and for all. I know it's easier said than done, which is why you cannot do this alone.
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Post by sheyd on Jul 10, 2008 10:40:33 GMT -5
Everyone has to move on in their own time, when they feel there is no chance for it to be good anymore. Sometimes people need to be burned more than others, and that is frustrating for others to watch, but that frustration is OURS not the person who keeps trying. The only way we CAN be supportive is to realize that the day will come when they have had enough and you have to be willing to wait for that day. Lots of false starts and stops until then, but the day will come. (I think it has for you, now, ionysis?)
I think there IS strength in continuing to hope, but the real strength I see in ionysis is more about continuing to bounce back. She is willing to try her best, face her own demons, and keep trying. When it fails, as sometimes these things do, she is willing to go for self-care, self-growth, and to try to do it better next time. THAT is pure strength. It is weakness to let it stop you, so that you close off your heart and self to the world. Some people suffer this weakness for awhile and recover, some never recover. Strength isn't non-existent because you tried and failed (even when others think you shouldn't have tried), it is non-existent when you fail to get back up. Ionysis is getting back up - and she is following a fantastic plan to get back up quickly. That IS strength.
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