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Post by Kim Possible on Jul 9, 2008 9:00:36 GMT -5
I go through peaks and valleys, it seems. But you'd think after three+ years, the hate would die down. The hate seems to coincide with his relationship status. He is back with his gf (the OW from three years ago). They broke up for about a year, got back together this spring, and are now living together again. He moved in with her immediately after he moved out of our house. Yeah, I know, genius move , but he did it, and it hurt me. Does it hurt me now? Not in the sense that I want him back, but it kind of makes me regress emotionally. Because it reminds me of three years ago all over again. And when he is with her, he treats me like shit. For the 10 months or so that they were apart, he was civil to me. Almost to the point of me thinking "what does he want from me?". This was last summer. And unfortunatley, I see him more in the summer (twice a week to be exact, during the school year, I can go a month or two without actually coming face to face with him). It was nice to be able to discuss matters surrounding our child without me feeling like he was going to accuse me of something. But now, we're done with that. Now that sweetie is back in the picture, it's back to a neutral business tone. When the phone rings with his tone, I am back to my heart racing in fear. My friend pointed out why he is like this. He has to be. he is p-whipped. it is fairly obvious. He cannot make a decision without callign me back (he has to consult with her first). And, as my friend said, she is well aware that he cheated on me with her, and the thought must come to mind that he can do it on her as well. So she seems to keep a tight leash on him. It honestly doesn't make me feel much better though. I really thought at this point that things would be better. That he'd grow up already. Things are much better than in the beginning, much much better. But they were better last year, and have now dipped a bit. I still can't get past this feeling that this person claimed to have loved me for nine years, we got married, have a child together, had a life together. And now... nothing. Who's to say it won't happen again? With the person I am with now? I didn't see it coming with my ex, how would I see it coming the next time?
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Post by sheyd on Jul 9, 2008 9:26:25 GMT -5
I have those regression moments too - we all do... My ex is having a second baby - after wanting to get snipped after our third because even if we all died in a car accident, he had his kids and was done. Apparently he needed 2 more after our 3. Most of the time I am fine with the way things are, but that 2nd birth had me slipping for a day or two.
As for who can tell if will happen again... Let me just say - you can't. I was having one of those "bliss" moments last night. I was snuggled in his arms, we were chatting off and on, and every now and then he would squeeze me tight, or give me a little kiss, or tell me he loved me, it was so wonderful I felt like my heart would burst. This was after an evening of a good dinner, a snuggle with all the kids in the bed while we watched a tv show on his laptop and I was touching all four of them. Seriously- that is my heaven. For one moment I thought to myself - should I be afraid? Should I wait for the other shoe to drop? Things aren't perfect for he and I by any stretch, if you read my post when I was SURE we were done, you would know that... so how can I enjoy that bliss moment?
The answer? Because if I don't, I will miss the happy parts of life waiting for the bad. The bad comes, and it can devastate you. It can make you question the good parts, if you let it. It can try to re-write history. But you don't have to let it. The time I was in bliss was REAL. That is my "happiness spot", and even if it was only for one night, I was there. It is something to hold on to, when the bad parts hit - because they will. If I spent my happy time waiting for the bad, or dwelling on my fears or pain, I would have missed it. I am so glad I didn't miss it. Even if he says later he didn't feel it - I DID. Nothing can take that away from me but ME.
You have a great guy who loves you and your relationship is growing. Someday, he may leave, or hurt you badly, that is life. The more we love, the more we let someone in, the more hurt we can be. But if you don't let them in, you never have those happy and peaceful moments, either. So don't anticipate any pain - if it comes, it will be bad enough, and you will deal with it. Until then, though, don't miss the good times.
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blu
Full Member
Posts: 145
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Post by blu on Jul 9, 2008 9:28:34 GMT -5
First of all {{hugs}} Secondly, it just plain stinks. Its like the kid who always cheats in class and never gets caught, and thats never gonna be fair. And yes oh yes your "friend" is right, he is very very P-whipped, and he knows it and he allows it - how attractive - gag!! You are doing great! We just have to find some way that he will not be able to get to you. Some way these past experience can be factored into our lives without ruling our lives. A way to take back the power and eliminate the fear and keep it from holding us back and coloring our decisions and doubting ourselves.... I don't have that way yet, but I know we/you are getting closer. It might be three years, but you have come a long way baby!!! As for him, he's an ass and I think we just have to find a way to see them for the asses they are and kick 'em to the side of the emotional road! You have found and deserve the happiness you have right now, enjoy it and we'll throw him a P-whipped pity no more party
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Post by Kim Possible on Jul 9, 2008 9:58:48 GMT -5
Thanks
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Post by redskyatnight on Jul 9, 2008 10:54:38 GMT -5
You feel like he is going to accuse you of something because that is how your relationship has worked in the past. I know how easy it is to get sucked back into his line of twisted thought, but you are aware of it now. You also know that he will have to call you back with a decision. Expect those things and plan for them.
Keep your contact with him professional. Be prepared if he drops the shoe. Be prepred for him to call you back. You are dealing with three people: yourself, him and his gf. You know the game, now just define it.
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Post by Kim Possible on Jul 9, 2008 18:18:26 GMT -5
It's funny, two replies mentioned the other shoe dropping. But each was speaking of someone else. I think I basically sit here and wait for both shoes to drop, from my man and my ex-h. I just feel like I've had those 'heaven' moments all to often, and when i did have them (with my ex), the furthest thinkg from my mind was that it would end the way it did. There are times when I am with my man now, and I can almost make myself cry, thinking about 'what it'. Like, this is too good to be true, just like before.
And, as luck would have it, he (my man) did something that pissed me off today. He made plans for the weekend that did not include me (or didn't even ask for my input, or what I had planned). I am probably overreacting, but it doesn't take much for me to talk myself into the mentality of 'see, it's happening again'. We haven't talked about it, and I don't want to use my cranky mood as an excuse. And I don't want to use my past (and what others have done to me) as another excuse. So I really don't know what to say.
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Post by JimB on Jul 10, 2008 9:11:07 GMT -5
And I don't want to use my past (and what others have done to me) as another excuse. Admirable, but we're all defined by our past. The other side of the coin is if you let someone new off the hook for the same things that have burned you in the past, you have no one to blame but yourself. So IMO, better to bring it up - even if you don't know exactly how to do it, it's better that he knows it bothers you. Tell him what exactly bothers you about what he's done, and what steps he can take to be more thoughtful in the future. Admit that you're probably a little sensitive in this area, but express your appreciation for him as a whole and exude confidence that he'll be able to do better in the future. Again, all IMO.
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Jul 10, 2008 9:33:09 GMT -5
Admirable, but we're all defined by our past. I think that she means that we are SHAPED by it, but not defined by it.
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Post by JimB on Jul 10, 2008 9:36:12 GMT -5
Admirable, but we're all defined by our past. I think that she means that we are SHAPED by it, but not defined by it. Good catch, and a poor choice of words on my part. That's what I meant. ;D
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Jul 10, 2008 10:02:54 GMT -5
;D It took me a long time to realize the difference between the two and I guess I slip down into being defined by it sometimes. or at least feeling like I am.
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Post by Kim Possible on Jul 14, 2008 15:14:37 GMT -5
Trying to make sure the shape remains a shape, and not a definition.
The matter seemed to resolve itself, because all his frkiends seemed to bail on him. That speaks volumes to me. I know his friends are his 'buds', but 2 of them ended up doing things with their women. I think maybe that, coupled with the fact that there was something I really wanted to do, made him realize what he did did not make me happy.
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