Post by ionysis on Jul 13, 2008 10:36:32 GMT -5
Hi guys,
Just thought I'd let you know how I was doing, as you were so very, very kind to me when I last posted.
I'm feeling better
I saw R for a drink on Thursday evening and was controlled and sensible and firm which made me feel better considering what a wreck I'd been the last time he saw me. Since then he has flown off to Europe for ten days which is the best thing that could have happened.
It's been a week since the explosion and I've spent some time talking to my Mum and my Uncle and friends. I really do think I might have reached the end of this now. I really, really hope so.
My uncle was so very patient and kind with me. But he pointed out some home truths that my family have never stated outright before.
He said that he saw me as the role model for my two cousins and that he was worried at the example I was setting them. He said that he wanted his girls to have self-respect and strength and he wants to see that in me. He said that it tears the family into bits seeing me go back again and again to someone who lies to me repeatedly, who strings me along indefinitely, who says he loves me but who demonstrates none of that love in his actions. He said that watching me go through this has been like watching a loved one who is being abused by their partner the only difference being that the hurt R inflicts doesn't leave bruises. He said that it has been so painful for the family to see me reduced to accepting whatever pitiful grains of affection or hope R throws at me when I should be saying "I deserve more than this". He said he couldn't understand how my self-esteem became so undermined that I could out all my happiness into the hands of someone so profoundly incapable of treating me with respect.
He also said that as an only child it had been so difficult for my parents when I was going to marry R because they'd always hoped that when I married it would extend the family and bring a wider family group together who had the same values and who would end up caring for each other. They hoped that I would bring them a son rather than take myself out of their lives, which they felt happened whenever I was with R. They never said anything because they just wanted me to be happy.
He also said he was more worried about me now that when R and I first broke up because this has been going on so long. He feels that if I don't clean out this addiction, this obsession then it will end up affecting the rest of my life, either because I won't be able to love anyone else or I did ever meet someone else and marry them, unless I got over R he could snap his fingers anytime in the future and destroy my marriage and even the lives of my children because I couldn't resist him and would just go running if he called.
My uncle is right.
How long will it take before I can see that the way I have been treated is not how you treat someone you love? I've been lied to and manipulated and played for a fool - I know he didn't do it on purpose to hurt me - quite the opposite - but he still did it and whatever his reasons this relationship is not good for me. It doesn't make me happy. It never will.
My mother also said that her biggest fear was that I would end up back with R. She said she knew that if that happened I would end up being the loneliest woman in the world - that I would never find a companion in my life who I had true friendship, intimacy, affection and trust with and it broke her heart to think that would be my lot.
I'm glad they talked to me, although it was difficult to know that I've caused them so much suffering that they had never told me about. I don't think I would have been prepared to hear them before though - I'd have listened but I couldn't really have heard.
This obsession has to end. I want to be healthy and happy and whole. I don't want to be dependent on someone like R for my happiness. he is not good for me, he is not healthy and he is not able to make me happy and I don't think he ever will be able to. He doesn't mean to be like this I think - he just cannot help but withold love from me and lie to me because he is terrified to hurt me, and by doing so make me deeply unhappy, and reduce my self-respect to shreds.
I don't feel like crying anymore though and I don't miss him suddenly. It's like a switch has turned off in my head. I'm sure that it won't last but I just don't want him in my life right now. The memory of what he has done behind my back and the thought of him seeing other people just nauseates me still and I want to run as far away from that as possible.
I love my girlfriends, I love my family and I love "life" for helping me out right now. Lots of little things have happened this week which have helped salve the wound - silly things mostly but ones that have put a smile on my face. Small things like being asked out on a date, getting emails from a couple of old friends who I haven't spoken to in ages, losing 6 pounds without trying, getting invited to a party, someone telling me how much they enjoyed a dinner party I gave, someone telling me they thought I was pretty for no apparent reason, finding exactly the top I was looking for in the sales... they all stacked up to make me feel like life was trying to be especially nice to me at the moment. I appreciate it. And I appreciate you guys being so sweet to me as well.
Just thought I'd let you know how I was doing, as you were so very, very kind to me when I last posted.
I'm feeling better
I saw R for a drink on Thursday evening and was controlled and sensible and firm which made me feel better considering what a wreck I'd been the last time he saw me. Since then he has flown off to Europe for ten days which is the best thing that could have happened.
It's been a week since the explosion and I've spent some time talking to my Mum and my Uncle and friends. I really do think I might have reached the end of this now. I really, really hope so.
My uncle was so very patient and kind with me. But he pointed out some home truths that my family have never stated outright before.
He said that he saw me as the role model for my two cousins and that he was worried at the example I was setting them. He said that he wanted his girls to have self-respect and strength and he wants to see that in me. He said that it tears the family into bits seeing me go back again and again to someone who lies to me repeatedly, who strings me along indefinitely, who says he loves me but who demonstrates none of that love in his actions. He said that watching me go through this has been like watching a loved one who is being abused by their partner the only difference being that the hurt R inflicts doesn't leave bruises. He said that it has been so painful for the family to see me reduced to accepting whatever pitiful grains of affection or hope R throws at me when I should be saying "I deserve more than this". He said he couldn't understand how my self-esteem became so undermined that I could out all my happiness into the hands of someone so profoundly incapable of treating me with respect.
He also said that as an only child it had been so difficult for my parents when I was going to marry R because they'd always hoped that when I married it would extend the family and bring a wider family group together who had the same values and who would end up caring for each other. They hoped that I would bring them a son rather than take myself out of their lives, which they felt happened whenever I was with R. They never said anything because they just wanted me to be happy.
He also said he was more worried about me now that when R and I first broke up because this has been going on so long. He feels that if I don't clean out this addiction, this obsession then it will end up affecting the rest of my life, either because I won't be able to love anyone else or I did ever meet someone else and marry them, unless I got over R he could snap his fingers anytime in the future and destroy my marriage and even the lives of my children because I couldn't resist him and would just go running if he called.
My uncle is right.
How long will it take before I can see that the way I have been treated is not how you treat someone you love? I've been lied to and manipulated and played for a fool - I know he didn't do it on purpose to hurt me - quite the opposite - but he still did it and whatever his reasons this relationship is not good for me. It doesn't make me happy. It never will.
My mother also said that her biggest fear was that I would end up back with R. She said she knew that if that happened I would end up being the loneliest woman in the world - that I would never find a companion in my life who I had true friendship, intimacy, affection and trust with and it broke her heart to think that would be my lot.
I'm glad they talked to me, although it was difficult to know that I've caused them so much suffering that they had never told me about. I don't think I would have been prepared to hear them before though - I'd have listened but I couldn't really have heard.
This obsession has to end. I want to be healthy and happy and whole. I don't want to be dependent on someone like R for my happiness. he is not good for me, he is not healthy and he is not able to make me happy and I don't think he ever will be able to. He doesn't mean to be like this I think - he just cannot help but withold love from me and lie to me because he is terrified to hurt me, and by doing so make me deeply unhappy, and reduce my self-respect to shreds.
I don't feel like crying anymore though and I don't miss him suddenly. It's like a switch has turned off in my head. I'm sure that it won't last but I just don't want him in my life right now. The memory of what he has done behind my back and the thought of him seeing other people just nauseates me still and I want to run as far away from that as possible.
I love my girlfriends, I love my family and I love "life" for helping me out right now. Lots of little things have happened this week which have helped salve the wound - silly things mostly but ones that have put a smile on my face. Small things like being asked out on a date, getting emails from a couple of old friends who I haven't spoken to in ages, losing 6 pounds without trying, getting invited to a party, someone telling me how much they enjoyed a dinner party I gave, someone telling me they thought I was pretty for no apparent reason, finding exactly the top I was looking for in the sales... they all stacked up to make me feel like life was trying to be especially nice to me at the moment. I appreciate it. And I appreciate you guys being so sweet to me as well.