super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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not ok
Jul 14, 2008 12:38:46 GMT -5
Post by super on Jul 14, 2008 12:38:46 GMT -5
I've been okay with things for the last couple of months. Suddenly in the last week I've been really upset again. Back to crying and not wanting to get out of bed. Wondering how he could stop loving me and how he could love someone else. Really missing our cats.
The last time we saw each other he said he loved me and always would. I know that for reasons I won't ever understand he just felt he had to move on, and he wasn't strong enough to do it without dating someone else. He needed a back-up plan. It doesn't matter though, it hurts.
I want to stop carrying this around with me, but I just can't seem to. I have tons of hobbies, lots of friends, am completing my MSc. Nothing seems to remove this feeling though of loss and loneliness. I just really miss him and I can't stop loving him.
I wonder if I'm just coming out of denial a little more lately. I still can't quite believe that he's not going to call me. That he's out of my life. How could someone who loved me so much be gone like that?
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not ok
Jul 14, 2008 12:47:07 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on Jul 14, 2008 12:47:07 GMT -5
It sounds like your life is really busy - and perhaps stressful as well? Sometimes when we are stressed we pull every negative thing in and hit ourselves over the head with it to "justify" how stressed we feel. Instead of being able to deal with the stress, we get overwhelmed. Might something like that be happening?
I know it can feel hard to get out of bed, particularly with these setbacks, but keep making yourself do it. Keep making yourself do the things that get you healthy, and you will get back to that good place. Maybe do a little extra something nice for yourself, a massage or join a dance class or take a day at an amusement park. Do something that reminds you how fun life can be, and while you are doing it do everything in your power to stop your mind from going to him for any reason. You will get there again, it just takes time and maybe a little extra effort right now.
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not ok
Jul 14, 2008 13:02:28 GMT -5
Post by shattered on Jul 14, 2008 13:02:28 GMT -5
super,
That is EXACTLY how I feel.
I also have gone through periods where I was doing a bit better and felt sure the worst was finally over (took me long enough to get to the first decent stage -- six months) only to then have a near-complete relapse with crying, missing him, the whole deal.
I am actually now just coming out of a bad spell (that lasted about a month, ugh), and I"m more than nine months post-break-up.
This most recent relapse was probably not the last. That's depressing, but at the same time I finally feel like I really get what everyone has been talking about on this board -- that this happens to almost everybody, that you'll think you've moved on, just to feel as bad as ever. But that whenever you feel better -- that IS progress. It sucks beyond description when the bad feelings return, but the progress is still there.
I know you've made progress. Keep hanging in there!!
shattered
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blu
Full Member
Posts: 145
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not ok
Jul 14, 2008 13:03:55 GMT -5
Post by blu on Jul 14, 2008 13:03:55 GMT -5
Well I can't offer you much advice, except to say I am having a sky is falling kind of day too. So want company?? Other than that just keep getting out of bed and working through it in your head, seek out a good counselor. The last one took me 20 years but I think he is finally mostly gone, and things are better except today
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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not ok
Jul 14, 2008 13:50:35 GMT -5
Post by super on Jul 14, 2008 13:50:35 GMT -5
it's true that when i'm feeling down or stressed i seem to zone in on those emotions. i am now 9 months post break-up too, and i've been feeling bad that i'm not over it. i thought by now i would have sorted it out and moved on.
it's so strange that while i am thinking i miss him and love him, when i look at pictures it doesn't stir me. it's like looking at old highschool pictures in a way. i feel like it's someone that i used to know. i know that i don't want him back.
i guess it's just a fear of starting over and the unknown. instead of facing that fear i think at times i'm focusing on him instead and the fact that he doesn't have to deal with that. it's silly, his life doesn't impact me and i need to remember it.
thanks for your responses. sometimes the hardest thing is that no one can really understand what it's like until they've been there. i remember being smug in our relationship too. the worst part is this is the age most people are getting married at. not too many people i know are getting out of a ten year relationship.
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not ok
Jul 14, 2008 14:04:00 GMT -5
Post by kittenhart on Jul 14, 2008 14:04:00 GMT -5
Super,
I think what happens is that when you are keeping so busy, it is easier to be in denial, and then when you slow down for a a few days, it 'catches up with you" and leaves you with that can't-get-out-of-bed feeling....uggh. I think shey is right to say that you should do something extra nice for yourself, even if it's just something small, just baby and spoil yourself a bit....get a manicure or a chocolate cheesecake, or go out to something fun and just try to destress. If you aren't up to going out in public (can't stop crying long enough... I've been there) then maybe just take a nice bath and rub scented cream on your feet...try to do something nice for yourself everyday....even if it's just something small, like saying "no" to something you've been feeling obligated to that is basically pointless, or getting a coffee with whipped topping.
You've been through a shitty time and the stress can be a killer. I think one of the hardest things about being single again after a long time is giving yourself permission to just do what YOU want, and just do stuff for YOU, because I think we get conditioned into doing stuff for our spouse, to make him happy....and it becomes such a habit.
Hang in there hun. Hugs.
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not ok
Jul 14, 2008 14:31:59 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on Jul 14, 2008 14:31:59 GMT -5
it's true that when i'm feeling down or stressed i seem to zone in on those emotions. Me too - we all do! Sometimes when we recognize it we can stop ourselves from piling it on... i've been feeling bad that i'm not over it. i thought by now i would have sorted it out and moved on. One, there is no timeline to follow, so don't beat yourself up. And 2 - you HAVE moved on, but everything in our past we still keep with us, so you will take it out and reexamine it sometimes. Give yourself that permission - you can learn things about yourself sometimes when you do. it's so strange that while i am thinking i miss him and love him, when i look at pictures it doesn't stir me. it's like looking at old highschool pictures in a way. i feel like it's someone that i used to know. i know that i don't want him back. Thats because it isn't HIM you miss - it is the dream of what it SHOULD have been like. Except he didn't fit in that dream, because that wasn't what he REALLY was like. i guess it's just a fear of starting over and the unknown. instead of facing that fear i think at times i'm focusing on him instead and the fact that he doesn't have to deal with that. Exactly exactly exactly. It is more about how things are for YOU than it is anything about him at all. And hey - what about getting some new baby kitties? Mine are so dang adorable!
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not ok
Jul 14, 2008 14:39:25 GMT -5
Post by shattered on Jul 14, 2008 14:39:25 GMT -5
super,
Ditto, ditto, ditto on everthing -- fear of the unknown and of the future, feeling you should have moved on by now, etc. etc.
I'm so there.
We've gotta keep hanging in there. I really believe you can (and I'm even starting to think I might be able to, too!).
shattered
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not ok
Jul 14, 2008 14:48:04 GMT -5
Post by JimB on Jul 14, 2008 14:48:04 GMT -5
I Like You Tomorrow will be Better
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not ok
Jul 14, 2008 14:58:46 GMT -5
Post by shattered on Jul 14, 2008 14:58:46 GMT -5
JimB -- that is funneee.
(I meant to tell you -- I finally got the joke from a while ago re. the "Guns Cause Crime" to which I responded as if you were serious.)
Freckles -- this doesn't mean that we don't love you.
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