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Post by gdgross on Jul 14, 2008 15:49:44 GMT -5
Another thread made me think of this question: All things considered, was it worth it marrying your ex? I'm going to decide to exclude your children from this equation, since I'm sure that would skew most of the responses to yes. So, besides the wonderful children you have with your ex, was it worth it? Do the good times and good memories outweigh the bad? Would you do it again?
For me the answer is no. There were four fantastic years married (and several more before that) and I was as happy as I'd ever been, and have ever been since. But the last three years of heartbreak and recovery easily outweigh the good times preceding them. I actually think I am a significantly better person post-D, and yet if I could, I would trade all of these life lessons and growing opportunities for the opportunity to never have met my ex and perhaps had a shot at the all-too-fleeting fantasy of a happy, lifelong marriage.
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Post by shattered on Jul 14, 2008 16:43:21 GMT -5
No, the relationship (we never married, he broke off the engagement) was not worth it.
I can't imagine what *would* be worth the unbelievable pain and devastation that I went through -- certainly not the little scraps of happiness I had every now and then when he decided to toss a few crumbs my way.
I truly wish I had never met him. Or, having met him, I truly wish we had never ever had a relationship. The whole thing almost destroyed me as a person. *Nothing* is worth that.
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Post by Kim Possible on Jul 14, 2008 16:47:06 GMT -5
Totally not worth it. I left someone to be with him, got married way too fast (see the thread about my mother), and he left me to be with someone else. I don't regret leaving my first ex to be with him, I just wish I wouldl've taken my time this time around, and enjoyed being young and single.
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Post by jules on Jul 14, 2008 16:58:33 GMT -5
No. The lessons I've learned are not worth losing the innocence I once had regarding love and marriage and relationships. The few months of bad memories have tainted the years of good ones. While I know I'll move on in my life and find some sense of fulfillment, I'll never fully trust anyone again. And that's sad.
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Jul 14, 2008 17:13:08 GMT -5
well, we didn't actually get married.
i don't regret the first two years. i wish i had been strong enough to leave sometime after that. i violently regret the last three.
i imagine that i will find someone else again, but it will never be innocent and head over heels in the same way. i've had all those firsts that should have been with someone i was going to be with forever. i'll never do a lot of those things again, and i've lost the only person that was with me through it all.
i don't wish i had never met him, but i do wish i had stopped it around the 9 month mark. after ten years, that makes me profoundly sad.
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midge
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by midge on Jul 14, 2008 17:32:52 GMT -5
i didn't have kids, i lost my home and my beloved animals and most of material possessions (plus ten years of my life)- and it was so worth it! i wouldn't take away the heartbreak or the joy. my marriage had a profound impact upon who i am and my divorce continued to form me. next year will be three years for me, i cannot imagine the person i would be without the entire experience. i am so thankful for the good and the bad.
i even fell in love with another person who subsequently broke my heart- and i wouldn't trade a moment of that, either.
i'm thankful to both of those men!
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Post by kittenhart on Jul 14, 2008 18:12:28 GMT -5
I wish I could say it was worth it. Love is always worth it....isn't it? I wish I could honestly say that I felt it was worth it because after 7 years of marriage (and 14 years with the ex) it is rather disillusioning to admit that the good times were mostly at the beginning and after that the moments of truly feeling understood and loved were few and far between, and that I stayed out of committment only....that I stayed way too long out of hope. Hope that things would improve, hope that he was just feeling stressed out, hope that he would make more time for us when things changed at his work, that he would eventually be "ready for children" (like he always said). I told myself way to often that all marriages go through difficult times and to just be patient.... lot of good that did me. I wish I could have those years back now, but alot of good that does. I don't think I've become a better person for going through divorce, just less trusting of men and less giving of myself, more self- protective, more cautious about just being used and disposed of (since that's how the whole thing has left me feeling). And the knowledge that someone who promised to love you forever can turn on you after 14 years and rip your heart out is definately knowledge that I could have done without. I honestly think I would have been better off spending the last 14 years alone, actually. So was it worth it? Nope. But I still really wish that I could say it was....yes, I know that's f*cked up....but Love really should be worth it.
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Post by Phyxius on Jul 14, 2008 19:35:04 GMT -5
Another thread made me think of this question: All things considered, was it worth it marrying your ex? I'm going to decide to exclude your children from this equation, since I'm sure that would skew most of the responses to yes. So, besides the wonderful children you have with your ex, was it worth it? Do the good times and good memories outweigh the bad? Would you do it again? For me the answer is no. There were four fantastic years married (and several more before that) and I was as happy as I'd ever been, and have ever been since. But the last three years of heartbreak and recovery easily outweigh the good times preceding them. I actually think I am a significantly better person post-D, and yet if I could, I would trade all of these life lessons and growing opportunities for the opportunity to never have met my ex and perhaps had a shot at the all-too-fleeting fantasy of a happy, lifelong marriage. Sorry to break with the crowd, but it was worth it. And yes, I'd do it again.
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Post by ionysis on Jul 14, 2008 20:57:03 GMT -5
The time we were together? Loving someone with every fibre of my being? YES. It was worth it. I know now what it feels like to truky love someone and I'll know it when it comes along again.
The 18mths of subsequent emotional abuse?.....
Probably. It has taught me strength and patience and selflessness and how to recognise when someone I'd an utter lying shithead - which is always useful - so I want to say yes.
I hope tho that one day I can look back on those memories of my life - years of my life without feeling pain. I can't yet. I was lied to for too long.
I also hope so much that at some point I appreciate and ACT ON the lessons I learned with my ex and that instincts are the most important thing in the world.
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Post by soupnazi on Jul 14, 2008 23:25:14 GMT -5
Hmm. I have thought of this many, many times. Was it worth it? Yes, only to make me the person I am today. Yes, because I have a love for my stepkids, and a relationship with them, that is near what a true parent has.
But other than my kids, every good memory, every thing I went through with her, whether good or bad, means absolutely nothing to me anymore. I don't hate her, I don't love her, and I figure that time as time lost.
Would I do it again with someone else? Absolutely. I am right now. And it scares the hell out of me to feel the way I do, cause I spent a lot of time saying never again.
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Post by JimB on Jul 15, 2008 8:05:46 GMT -5
I tend to value wisdom over most everything. And the wisdom I feel I have gained from the suffering I've experienced is significant.
So yes, it was worth it.
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Post by redskyatnight on Jul 15, 2008 17:01:03 GMT -5
I've been thinking about this since I read the question yesterday. I was only married for 7 years, but we were together for 9 years before that. When I moved in with him, my room mate was graduating college and moving back home. Most of my friends had graduated and moved on, so I really had nowhere else to go.
I moved to Tucson with my ex and hiked all over the state. I would have never had that opportunity. 16 years is a long time to grow and experience.
The end of the relationship taught me about betrayal and made me, eventually, stronger. I'm not a naive kid anymore mostly becuase of the relationhip I had with my ex.
Growth would have occured anyway and there is no telling what direction it would taken. Was it worth it? In the end, I say "no." What I learned from my marriage has made me wise, but distrustful and tired. The time I've taken to get over the abuse has been time I could have spent doing something much more fun.
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Post by Mel (cherry) on Jul 15, 2008 18:27:05 GMT -5
I was young and idealistic. I hadn't seen too much happiness in my life, mostly through other people's choices. The day I met my ex, I had the papers signed to join the peace corp. I wanted to do something in my life..............
I lost many years. I've had the only children I'm going to/want to have and I didn't have someone to share that with. I had all the terrible crap of a divorce and none of the beautiful memories to go with it. No romantic proposal, no engagement, no wedding, no honeymoon.............
I was told many times that I was not worth marrying, that he didn't want to spend his life with me - who would, and other things of that nature.
There are good memories from the beginning, but if I were honest with myself, it fell apart at 6 months...........how the hell it managed to be 5 years I will never know. Frankly I'm not sure I like who I became or was then at all......
I know that we aren't counting them but in a way, my first child "trapped" me in that situation because of my own warped views on life and myself due to other self-esteem crushing things in my childhood. Please don't get me wrong, my children are a blessing and quite literally ended up being what "saved" me. They were too important to remain in that situation......
I've become wiser and stronger and more as a person thru this whole journey, but it is a combination of life events rather than just my ex. A lot of my ability to be easy with love and trust died during that time of my life, and some of my realizations would have come as I looked back and dealt with the past as it was. Those would have come anyways because I have always been the person to know the whys as well as the whats.
I think that I've become harder in ways as well. I wait unconsciously for the "other shoe" to drop and deep down feel like I missed the boat because I fear trusting that again..... I guess that comes from never feeling like I was treasured. Wanted enough to even marry.........
Was it worth it? No, I don't think it was.
However, the friends I've met and my bf wouldn't have been in my path if it were not the case............and so I can't say that I regret it.
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Post by rocko on Jul 16, 2008 11:50:07 GMT -5
It was worth it. I would not be who I am today without everything that happened to me along the way.
I do wish with all my heart that I could have back that naive belief that my now husband will love me forever.
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Post by Phoenixx on Jul 16, 2008 14:02:54 GMT -5
Another thread made me think of this question: All things considered, was it worth it marrying your ex? I'm going to decide to exclude your children from this equation, since I'm sure that would skew most of the responses to yes. So, besides the wonderful children you have with your ex, was it worth it? Do the good times and good memories outweigh the bad? Would you do it again? Yup. Totally worth it.
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