daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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hate
Jul 20, 2008 19:05:31 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Jul 20, 2008 19:05:31 GMT -5
Hi everyone,i have not been to this site in a very long while.I used to be on ojar,anyway i have a bit of a dillemma and hopefully some of you may be able to shed some light into this matter for me.Some of you may know my story from ojar,any way i was in a relationship for 15 years,we eventually married and everything went down the tubes within the year we got married which was early 2006,she also fell pregnant in 2006,my daughter was also born in late 2006,and as soon as my daughter was born ,she kicked me out the house,also in 2006.A very significant and disturbing year for me filled with joy ,hate ,anger and life changing experiances.I did not understand why she had a problem with me,i never had any afairs nor ran around drinking with buddies nor was i abusive in any way.She just became this violant ,abusive monster during her pregnancy and i was cursed and had many things thrown at me during this period.I thought it would end once she gave birth but little did i know that it was just the start.Well now this is my dillemma.I never got any answers as to why she kicked me out,i tried to reconcile several times,asked her to attempt therapy and such however i never got any closureas to what happened.It has been 18 months down the road now and i have established a wonderful relationship with my daughter and so i try to see her as often as possible however the mother still up to now hates me with a passion.She regularly tries to attack me physically,tries to menatally abuse me by insulting me,my family.She recently slapped me whilst my daughter was sleeping on my shoulder and then tore her out of my arms,then threw my car keys out of apartment building and then refused to open the gate to the parking bay so i could leave.Going to see my daughter has become a nightmare.I obviously cannot say anything at all as she threatens to call the police if i try even to talk back to her.I asked her several times"why is she being this way to me".All i ever did was try to love her for all these years.She broke up with me and the way she act is as if i did something to her,in fact i should be the one that is angry with her and not the other way around.Can someone please tell me why is this person still hating me after so long for something that even i dont have the answer to.At this stage i wish i could say that hey yes i abused this woman and that is the reason she hates me so much at least i would have an answer but i have no clue.
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hate
Jul 20, 2008 19:23:47 GMT -5
Post by freckles on Jul 20, 2008 19:23:47 GMT -5
Ask Her why She is mad at You
And then Listen to what she says
Sometimes we overlook what the other person says because to us it does not seem important
Example: If she says * I dont like you * Reading the Newspaper
You might not *Quote* Hear Her
Because that is not something you might comprehend someone not likeing
If She has a Phobia about Newspapers that would be the answer
That is just a Example
Ask Her and Listen to what she says
Just my 2 cents
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hate
Jul 20, 2008 19:27:49 GMT -5
Post by freckles on Jul 20, 2008 19:27:49 GMT -5
P.S.
It might not be you at all
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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hate
Jul 20, 2008 19:41:05 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Jul 20, 2008 19:41:05 GMT -5
Well firstly i dont stay with her and second,i usually dont get any good responce from her no matter what i say,when i go over to see or fetch my daughter.About a month ago when i arrived at her place ,she started screaming at me because she said that i did not greet her.I dont think that i have been able to talk to her at all for the last 2 years.If i even attempt to have a coversation ,she immediatley goes on the defence and starts insulting me.She usually starts of before i can finish a sentence,by saying that she does not want to hear anything i have to say.If i say "but" she then immediatley cuts me of and starts giving me her story about what a pathetic loser i am and all her freinds now know what kind of a person i am,blah,blah blah.then i woudl say "why dont you try and calm down so we can at least--CALM DOWN ,YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN,WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM YOU BALHABLAH BLAH. So you see,i really cannot get answers nor any rational type of conversation from her.I honestly believe that there is something mentally wrong with her because i dont know what i did,i dont think that she knows what i did,but she just seems to want to hate me with as much passion as possible.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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hate
Jul 20, 2008 20:36:52 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Jul 20, 2008 20:36:52 GMT -5
P.S. It might not be you at all What do you mean,i am sure that there is something more to this thought
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hate
Jul 20, 2008 21:26:44 GMT -5
Post by freckles on Jul 20, 2008 21:26:44 GMT -5
And it could be you
With so little information
There is no way to know
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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hate
Jul 21, 2008 4:02:22 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Jul 21, 2008 4:02:22 GMT -5
Well i was a yabb god at ojar and i really dont want to start the whole story over again as it is would be a 1000 page novel,however there is more to the reason for my question.the fact that i know i treated someone well in spite of the up and downs one goes through in a 15 year relationship.I have learned though to move on without my ex and the thought of not being with her any more is not as hard as it was.The reason for my question is that in spite of being able to carry on with my life,there is one thing that still eats me up every single day which sometimes sends me into the depths of depression and that is that as i said before ,i treated her well,i did all the things a good partner would do meaning.BEING A SUPPORT TO HER FINANCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.However in spite of this ,she slowly through the years started hating my freinds so i stopped inviting them over,then she hated my family and so i stopped inviting them over.It was only her freinds and family that became my world and still she seemed never to be satisfied and still had problems with me,yet anything that she wanted i gave in to and did.It came to a point whereby she was irritated and angry with everything on a regular basis,she took me for granted and the only lifestyle that she wanted was sitting at restaurants and never doing anything beside joining her buddies and going out to parties whilst i like an idiot sat at home and cooked a meal so that i did not have to go through the already strained expense of running to another resaurant because she had learned not to go near the pots any more as it was too conveniant that i was there.She developed an attitude of entitlement rather than gratitude.Her usual stance with me was "if you were a real man then you would blah blah for me.All of Sudden though things changed she became broody and she started bothering me about marriage.She would be an outcast if she had a child out of wedlock to her family.She started treating me fair i would say and told me that the only reason she has been nasty to me is because she wanted to be married and i have not married her yet.I really did not want to get married at this stage because i thought there were too many problems however she promised me that she would be a good wife if i did and as usual ,the idiot that i am believing in love and all that married her and the rest is ,well my starting thread.What sickens me and eats me up everyday is the fact that it seems that she used me just to have a baby.I seem to have been a sperm donor and that she tricked me and planned to do this to me.I feel sickened to the core sometimes and i dont think it is possible to feel as used and abused as i feel.When i think of this sometimes,it actually makes me feel numb and i cannot even go about my regular day.She stole a part of me for herself and then ran around killing my character and playing a victim of abuse when both she and i know that she is actually the one that did the abusing.Now the reason i asked the question i guess is because some part of me wants to believe that maybe i am wrong.I f she did not love me in the first place ,then why would she still be so angry at someone that she did something to.Or is she pretending or trying to blieve all the lies that she has been speaking about me just to make herself feel better.I dont think that i would want to be with the likes of her again but when i see my daughter,it really gets to me that i was robbed of fifteen years ,my family ,my freinds ,and my daughter because i fell for this wicked persons trick and the belief in love. and yet she still has the audacity to scream shout and abuse me while i come to see my daughter as if there is something that i did wrong. I will phrase it another way as well.I became addicted to trying to please her and the more i tried without result the more vindictive and taken for granted i became rether than being loved.Yet why on earth would she be so angry with me when i just want to be a father to my daughter now.THE Recent evnts were her stopping all access to my daughter for no reason.She knows that my daughter waits to see me and is excited whenever i come to see her but because of this she has decided that i will not get access anymore until i pay her more money.What kind of person is this,Why is she so angry,and does she really believe that by screaming and shouting and hurling abuses is going to get anywhere.
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hate
Jul 21, 2008 7:23:26 GMT -5
Post by ionysis on Jul 21, 2008 7:23:26 GMT -5
Hi Daryl, I remember your story well. I hoped things might have improved with your wife.
Tell me, have you tried asking any of her friends and family what it is she thinks you have done? If you can't get answers from her perhaps they can help? Is she like this with anyone else or is it just you? Maybe her family noticed a difference in her over the last couple of years too. And is there any concern in your mind that this rage may ever spill over to affect your daughter, or is it only you who is the brunt of her fits of spleen?
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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hate
Jul 21, 2008 8:06:54 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Jul 21, 2008 8:06:54 GMT -5
Well from what i have seen and heard ,it seems that she has fought with all the neighbours for various reasons since i left.They have actually come to complain to me but i have to tell them that i cannot talk to her as i am the main scapegoat for her anger.She has had a fight with several of her freinds which came out whilst screaming at me.It seems as if she does not see the wrong in what she does, however her words were."i have been betrayed by many people over the last few months". You either had a fight with a buddy or not.How does this become betrayal as if you are at war.She has also had a fight with a cousin of hers that stood by her during our breakup.None of these issues or problems do i know anything about and why they happened but i know through the grapevine and through the neighbours talking to me. I cannot communicate with any of her freinds or family as she has portrayed me to be an abuser ,however the way in which she got people to not want to talk to me anymore is by telling them that i said nasty stuff about them.And yes i admit having an opinion on the various people that came over.If bob for eg was acting like an idiot because he got too drunk,i would tell her when we were alone.It was not meant to go anywhere beside be between the two of us but she went around giving everyone the lowdown on everything i ever said to her about them that was only meant for her ears and not to offend anyone.Her job though is to smile and be pleasant the entire day to many people"flight attandant" so she can aslo put on the charm.She portrays herself as a victim to everyone.The thing is that she tells me what she is saying about me to everyone knowing that there is nothing i can do.The other thing that really gets to me is her firm stance on lying.She makes it known to everyone how she hates people that lie and then she goes ahead and lies through her teeth knowing that everyone will believe her because she hates people that speak lies.It is a jekyll and hyde situation however my daughters nanny seems to believe that she has a problem because the nanny seems to have taken my place as she does not hesitate to sceam and shout at her continuously but she does not leave as she needs the money.I have to buy the nanny little gifts like chocaltes and stuff to butter her a bit so that she does not take my ex's screaming at her out on my daughter.
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hate
Jul 21, 2008 8:19:23 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on Jul 21, 2008 8:19:23 GMT -5
Take someone with you when you go to see your daughter. Preferably someone she doesn't know, but is in authority, like a policeman. If she refuses to see you with someone there, or acts up, write it all up and have your witness sign it. Don't go in without a witness. She knows how to put on the charm, she will do it for a stranger. If she refuses you access because of someone with you - that is something you can take to court. Write it all down, even the unwitnessed things.
Also - listen to your support person. You may be doing things to aggravate her that you are not aware of, and they may be able to constructively point it out and help you. The more impartial people to witness at various times, the better.
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hate
Jul 21, 2008 8:45:17 GMT -5
Post by jules on Jul 21, 2008 8:45:17 GMT -5
Daryl, I'm so sorry that you're still having such difficulties with your ex, particularly because they involve your visitation with your daughter, but I AM glad that you haven't given up, for your daughter's sake (and your own!)
Was your ex always such an angry person? From what you describe she seems to hold resentment against those who seemingly have it better than her. If this is the case, I'd suspect she doesn't feel very good about herself. You mentioned a nanny -- is she now working, or is she still financially dependent on you? If she is working, is she satisfied in her job? You mentioned flight attendent -- I don't know if this is past or present. But if it is present, I'd imagine it'd be a stressful job for a parent of a young child.
I'm just speculating here. She needs counseling. However you can't really force someone to go to counseling (unless you sincerely think she's a threat to your child, which you clearly do not.) In which case, I think the best way to deal with a terminally angry or bitter person is to kill 'em with kindness.
Shey's idea about having a neutral third party present when you pick up and drop off your daughter is a good one. Alternatively, you could arrange to meet somewhere in public (if you feel you could trust her to show up.) I also wonder if she enjoys having primary custody or if she feels like it is a burden. I don't know how open the courts are there to fathers getting or sharing custody, but is this something you would consider? I'm just trying to think of what would be best for your daughter. Because, in the end, it's not about your feelings or your ex's feelings, but only about your daughter, her well-being, and what is best for her.
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hate
Jul 21, 2008 9:52:31 GMT -5
Post by lqdKaos on Jul 21, 2008 9:52:31 GMT -5
daryl. I dont know, I would almost say you should take a hidden camera or tape recorder with you. I dont know the legality of that, but it seems to me that she would just play victim and charm any authority figure you were to take with you. But if you recorded it sometime, at least you have some evidence of her abuse.
In the mean time, you have to bite your tongue and take the abuse, if you want to continue to see your daughter. Sucks ass, I know. But she seems to be willing to cause all sorts of trouble, and lets face it, in this day and age, who are the (the cops / courts / etc) going to believe. If she calls, its your word against hers, and everyone seems to want to believe the woman in cases like these.
If you are there to pick up your daughter, do so, I dont think you have to be anything but civil to your ex. Hello, goodbye, thats it, right? I would avoid going there to just visit your daughter, unless you can get some sort of supervised visitation.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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hate
Jul 21, 2008 10:21:37 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Jul 21, 2008 10:21:37 GMT -5
Yes,i tried the kill her with kindness act,it did not work.I was literally taking care of everything that she needed,and buying everything that my daughter needed as well as giving her the monthly maintenance money that was agreed upon and taking her out to her favourite places,the restaurants in and around jozi.However whenever i tried to discuss our situation ,she just bluntly cut me off on several ocassions and said that she does not want to talk about it.This all came to a head when she had people over when i dropped my daughter back at her place after i had her for the day.She then phoned me while she was with these people and started shouting over the phone.I wont forget what she said though.She told me , how can i call myself a father when i do nothing for my child and it shows the pathetic upbringing that i had.At first i did not understand what she was on about but quickly realised that it was a show for her freinds to believe that i am actually doing nothing for my daughter and that i am a bad person.I realised then that i am being taken for a fool and so i stopped paying for everything,taking her out and just gave her the money i was suposed to give although i wanted to do everything for my daughter,the reality was that i was trying to live a fantasy by trying to take care of my ex and daughter but not getting any benefit but hurt out of it.She is still working as a flight attendant but now just does local flights and is back by the afternoon.She has always had a very low self esteem since i met her and i tried to always build her confidence but then when she became a flight attendent,this tranformed her into another type of person.She sort of tried to live out some fantasy of being miss popular and tried to always be with the in crowd and so her self esteem took on another dimension of thinking that everyone else is below her,including my friends family and me.Any woman that had an air of confidence,she hated,it came to a point were she only joined the transgendered group but no woman,just men that dressed in womans clothing.Now i am not a person that judges anyone but the truth is that from this point things became worse for us as there were contiuous issues about how she can do so much better than me and she would tell me this continuously and just had this attitude of entitlement rather than gratitude.She never accepted any gift from me if it were not over a certain price range yet she never gave me any gifts.It was as if i were competing with all the high flyers and business men that travel around the world and nothing was good enough for her.All of her friends are single transgendered men that go to the clubs to pick up guys and i feel that this is the lifestyle that she ended up wanting to have,however she also wanted the experiance of child birth and as she was with me for 15 years it was obvious whom she could manipulate easily enough to do this,rather than start another relationship with someone else as time was ticking and she was 33 at the time.She seems to get some enjoyment by lowering my self esteem so that she can feel good about herself and she did succeed in doing this but not for long.I wish things were different but i believe that this is an acurate depiction of what i believe happened.I was used as a tool to meet an end so that she could kick me out after i paid for all the expenses of the birth.It makes me feel sick when i think of it sometimes.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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hate
Jul 21, 2008 10:46:44 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Jul 21, 2008 10:46:44 GMT -5
daryl. I dont know, I would almost say you should take a hidden camera or tape recorder with you. I dont know the legality of that, but it seems to me that she would just play victim and charm any authority figure you were to take with you. But if you recorded it sometime, at least you have some evidence of her abuse. In the mean time, you have to bite your tongue and take the abuse, if you want to continue to see your daughter. Sucks ass, I know. But she seems to be willing to cause all sorts of trouble, and lets face it, in this day and age, who are the (the cops / courts / etc) going to believe. If she calls, its your word against hers, and everyone seems to want to believe the woman in cases like these. If you are there to pick up your daughter, do so, I dont think you have to be anything but civil to your ex. Hello, goodbye, thats it, right? I would avoid going there to just visit your daughter, unless you can get some sort of supervised visitation. I was advised by my family to record what was going on and i did but when i took this to my attorney ,he told me that the law in south africa is such that it is not admissable at all unless it is known before hand that i am recording the events.I even have video footage but nothing can be used,so i have to just bite the bullet so to speak and am at her mercy.I have begged her to go for therapy several times but to no avail.The reality that i had to eventually face is that it makes no sense trying with her when it is apparant that she does not want to work at anything so i will be trying in vein and rather move on with my life but doing this knowing how you have been taken for a fool for so long is difficult not to mention the police seem to be out to get me continuously.She had a buddy at the police force and they just want to arrest me.As my ex said "they are just waiting for her to make a call so that they can ring my kneck. She could have done things in an amicable manner,although it would have been as hard emotionally,it would not have had to get to a point where she dliberatley set out to destroy my life which she did not succeed at thus far. I am now just hoping for a day when she realises that our daughter deserves to be brought up to be a well rounded person and that trying to fight with me wont help for this to happen.
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hate
Jul 21, 2008 11:01:10 GMT -5
Post by sheyd on Jul 21, 2008 11:01:10 GMT -5
Then let her know you will be recording everything - every phone call, every interaction, everything. Record yourself informing her of this- or inform her via letter that you have notarized and sent certified mail. Then do it. Record EVERYTHING. If she knows ahead of time, it will be admissable, right?
And bring your OWN witness - if she has a friend on the police force, make sure you have one too. Ask for a witness from there for every interaction. She will either provide the evidence herself that she is being unreasonable, or she will behave. You are better off either way.
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