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Post by jules on Jul 22, 2008 20:08:31 GMT -5
I truly thought I was getting to be ridiculously healthy about the whole divorce mess. But lately I feel like I'm backsliding terribly. I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I cry every day. It's not even so much that I miss my ex, as I miss my life, or rather the life I thought I had. I know, logistically, it was all a lie. But that knowledge doesn't help.
I'm starting to get prodded to "get out there" (dating.) And it's starting to make me angry. What's the point? I tried it -- dude turned out to be a f*cktard just looking for ass. I hear the stories from my single friends that range from ridiculous to downright depressing. I've no desire to include that kind of frustration or annoyance in my life on top of everything else.
Sorry to be such a whiner. As far as anyone in my life knows, I've put it behind me and moved on. But I haven't. And I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. I mean, cripes, it's been almost a year since the split. He has a new life -- new home (in a new state), new girlfriend, new job, new dog. And I still feel like I'm stumbling through the debris of my broken almost-life. And it really pisses me off.
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Post by soupnazi on Jul 22, 2008 20:22:37 GMT -5
Hi Jules,
I was reading your post, and I noticed that you said that it had been "almost a year" since the split and that he had moved on with all the "new" stuff and you felt like you were stumbling.
You know what? That is completely normal, I swear to you. I had so many people tell me that I was "not letting go" and hanging on, and all of that crap...but you went through a very traumatic thing, and you have to process everything in your own time.
I remember last year (over two years since my breakup), I had a day or two in a row where everything hit me like it was fresh, and it hurt like hell again. And yeah, I cried my eyes out a couple of times, and yeah, I was right back to square one.
But it gets better with time. I hated hearing that at first. But it is completely true. You (meaning people, not you personally) tend to compare yourself with where you are at in your life and where your ex is, and believe me...that gets you nowhere.
Focus on the little parts of your life that are going great, the relationships you have with friends and family. The little things in everyday life that are a mini-accomplishment for you to do on your own.
Don't, and I repeat DON'T worry about relationships. Go ahead, date, fine. But remember, you are always in control of yourself and you cannot control anyone else. If you are dating guys that are only looking for a piece of ass, that will shine through from the start. Take them as they are, and move on, it is all a learning experience.
But know this...what you have been through, whether you see it now or not, makes you a better and more learned person on the other side. And any future relationships will undoubtedly benefit from that.
For right now ...enjoy the things you are learning about yourself and others...the lessons are invaluable.
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super
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Post by super on Jul 22, 2008 20:23:48 GMT -5
All I can really say is that I understand. I feel the same in a lot of ways. It has been 9 months for me, and I'm still really sad and angry. I too miss what I thought I had, and what I imagined would be in the future. I'm still so angry that he let me stay for so many years when I wasn't all that happy and then left as soon as he felt unhappy. I'm angry I wasted all that loyalty and commitment on him. It makes me so angry that he got a new girlfriend as soon as we broke up - actually before it was finished.
I thought by now I would be over it and moving on, but instead I am just feeling really lonely.
BUT
I think it's perfectly normal to still be upset about things. It was a long relationship in both our cases, and of course, it will take a while to get over. Even though things may look great in his life looking in, who knows what he's really feeling. I just can't believe that everything could be perfect and that their are no regrets.
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super
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Post by super on Jul 22, 2008 20:27:07 GMT -5
Also I tell myself over and over that it doesn't matter what he's doing in his life. Whether he's happy or miserable, it doesn't affect my life. I'm glad he has a girlfriend and was such a jerk! It prevents me from doing stupid things like contacting him.
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Post by jules on Jul 22, 2008 21:10:24 GMT -5
Thanks for the kind posts. I'm just feeling like a freak lately, and it's making me really mad at myself. I don't really give a shit about where the ex is in life. I know it's just a matter of time before it comes crashing down around him and he actually has to deal with his issues. Not my problem. But I know our circumstances are completely different. Still it sucks to feel like one of the leftovers from a faux life. But I don't wanna..... Sorry, I keep hearing how invaluable these lessons are, etc. etc., but I can't help but think that's just something people tell themselves to try to make themselves feel better over a shitty situation all around.
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Post by RO on Jul 22, 2008 21:34:24 GMT -5
Sorry, I keep hearing how invaluable these lessons are, etc. etc., but I can't help but think that's just something people tell themselves to try to make themselves feel better over a shitty situation all around. Like we have discussed...I don't think you can put a time frame on it. You are going through the stages at a different pace than anyone else. It is your pace and it is the only pace that matters. I think soupnazi had some great words of advice.. I sincerely hope what you say isn't true. But wtf do I know? Hugs, J. ro
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Post by Dave on Jul 23, 2008 8:57:16 GMT -5
HEy JUles,
To second RO, I don't think you can put a time frame on it, and even if you could a year is a pretty short recovery period. Do what YOU want. When YOU want.
It's been two and a half years for me and I still am learning how to live.
Good luck.
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Post by freckles on Jul 23, 2008 9:04:45 GMT -5
I truly thought I was getting to be ridiculously healthy about the whole divorce mess. But lately I feel like I'm backsliding terribly. I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I cry every day. It's not even so much that I miss my ex, as I miss my life, or rather the life I thought I had. I know, logistically, it was all a lie. But that knowledge doesn't help. I'm starting to get prodded to "get out there" (dating.) And it's starting to make me angry. What's the point? I tried it -- dude turned out to be a f*cktard just looking for ass. I hear the stories from my single friends that range from ridiculous to downright depressing. I've no desire to include that kind of frustration or annoyance in my life on top of everything else. Sorry to be such a whiner. As far as anyone in my life knows, I've put it behind me and moved on. But I haven't. And I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. I mean, cripes, it's been almost a year since the split. He has a new life -- new home (in a new state), new girlfriend, new job, new dog. And I still feel like I'm stumbling through the debris of my broken almost-life. And it really pisses me off. It takes Time A Year is to soon After 3 years you will feel better I do
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Post by shattered on Jul 23, 2008 10:23:23 GMT -5
jules,
I am so sorry you are going through this again. Judging by my own experience, and everyone else's on this board, however, this seems to be absolutely normal. Which means it won't last forever, thank God.
Much of my relationship was a lie as well -- but, as you say, that knowledge doesn't help with the pain or depression!
I agree with you about those lessons that we're supposedly learning from this. Some people of course do genuninely learn stuff, but in other cases, I can't think of how we've become wiser or better through our wretched experiences.
You have every right and reason to feel hurt and angry and pissed off. And you, my dear, are not a whiner.
Hang in there.
Many hugs from
shattered
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daryl
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Post by daryl on Jul 23, 2008 10:37:07 GMT -5
Firstly ,freckles is correct,it does take much more time than a year.For me its been almost two years and i still feel hurt and sad regularly.SECOND The dating game can be nerve wrecking and this also seems to be a sore point specifically because it seems to now be a chore rather than an exciting thing that is happening like when we were younger.It aslo brings the reality back and reminds you that your dreams with somone else and the effort that you made in that previous relationship has been shattered.Do not concentrate too much on what your ex is up to ,this is a recipe for spinning yourself into a depressive mode.Who cares even if he won the lotto .WHAT worked for me was imagining myself sitting in front of my ex and asking her"please give me one good reason why i would want to be with someone such as yourself".What this actually makes me think about is the fact that there really is no good reason why i would want to be with that person,there really is non except the fact that you loved the person and if you dont love them now then there is no reason at all that you would be able to think of that will make you want to even go on a date with a person such as your ex even if he changed his underpants everyday let alone jobs and woman.Start looking for the happiness in the things that you do daily rather than focus on unhappy things in the past that you cannot change
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Post by lqdKaos on Jul 23, 2008 10:57:01 GMT -5
Only you will know when you are ready to get back out and date. Only you will know when you are able to let go. Your friends mean well and their intentions are good, but they are not you. Most of them likely have no idea what you are going thru.
Fear not. The pain will reside eventually. You will feel better, and you will be ready to meet new people eventually. But do it at your pace, not on someone elses timeline.
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Post by jules on Jul 23, 2008 11:02:48 GMT -5
Thanks for the support. Can I have the accelerated recovery process, please? I've always been a bit of an overachiever. Seriously, I'm more mad at myself than anything because I feel like I should be past this by now. And self-anger creates depression, yada yada, I know how it works. I know I should focus on creating my own happiness or whatever, but that just sounds too sickeningly optimistic for where I'm at right now. So I guess this should have gone in the vent section. Sorry, folks. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
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Post by gdgross on Jul 23, 2008 11:28:19 GMT -5
Sorry to hear it, jules. It ain't easy, and a year is not that long in the grand scheme of things. You will move on. It just takes time and new experiences to help you forget about the old ones. Forget about the pressure to start dating if you don't want to. It's been a couple of years for me, and I feel pretty normal again. But I don't think I will ever completely have moved on. My ex will always have a small piece of me. It's just how it is. I don't think it' possible to love someone deeply and then erase the chalkboard and truly start fresh again. At least not for me. The wounds have mostly healed for me, but there will always be scars. I don't think about her much at all anymore. (except yesterday when I zillow'd my house - man did she make out like a bandit. ) In fact, the other day (july 21st) was our anniversary, and I didn't even remember until the next day.
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Post by kittenhart on Jul 23, 2008 13:52:57 GMT -5
hugs to you Jules....I so hear you about the pressure from friends to "get back out there" and just not wanting to...I simply don't feel up to getting my heart stomped on again, and going through all the B.S. of dating and rearranging my life for someone. I also hear stories/observe things that happen to my friends who are dating and it seems so tiresome...so much game playing now (I don't remember it being this bad before...maybe that is just an inaccurate memory on my part tho')....there's so many players now....(did I really just not notice before?) I've already had people try to set me up with someone without telling me first what a great feeling that is. It's been almost a year now...and I don't feel like I'm ready to start dating really....but apparently everyone else thinks there is a timeline of 1 year and then you should be fine(??) Or are you just supposed to throw yourself out there, ready or not?
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super
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Post by super on Jul 23, 2008 14:11:03 GMT -5
it seems that people think if you start dating it means everything is all better and you've moved on. what no one seems to quite get is that after you've spent a decade compromising and being in a relationship, maybe you want to take some time for yourself.
i think that's totally healthy! why would you want to date again right away? whatever the reasons, don't let anyone tell you what you should do.
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