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Post by redskyatnight on Jul 23, 2008 17:41:20 GMT -5
If you don't want to date, don't do it. Don't feel the pressure to do it.
As everyone else has said, time will help. It's been 3 years since we split and I am better every month. Some days still suck, but they are farther and farther apart.
How can you accelerate the process? Stop negative thoughts. When they start, acknowledge them, then forcce yourself to think of something that makes you happy. In Harry Potter, there is an evil force called the dementors. The spell to cast off a dementor is to think of the happiest thought you can muster. It must be a strong thought and you have to feel the happiness. Only then will the dementor leave.
I think the same is true of the crud that comes with divorce. When the bad thoughts come, they are the dementors. Stop them with willfully thinking of a happy thought. Force the thought. It takes practice and the happy thoughts get stronger as you practice.
Hope that helps.
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Post by JimB on Jul 24, 2008 0:00:59 GMT -5
Seriously, I'm more mad at myself than anything because I feel like I should be past this by now. And self-anger creates depression, yada yada, I know how it works. "Should" is the queen bitch of the world - if we could get rid of her, the world would be a much better place. You're not battling your ex, and you're not really even battling pain - you're battling "should". There is no "should". There is only you and your pace of healing. Even with your backsliding, you have to admit your good days outnumber your bad ones by a significant margin nowadays. That's called progress, sister. And dating has nothing to do with coping with your old feelings. Dating is something you do because you enjoy it and/or see a point to it. If you don't, don't feel obligated to do it. Do something you want to do, or something that inspires you, instead.
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Post by jules on Jul 24, 2008 9:57:52 GMT -5
Yes. Exactly. I tend to be very hard on myself. I recognize this.
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Jul 24, 2008 11:50:40 GMT -5
seyfert, i love that analogy! i can totally think of my ex as a dementor
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Post by lovebites on Jul 27, 2008 20:17:13 GMT -5
Hey Jules,
"Almost a year" since the split, in the grand scheme of things, really isn't that long at all. Give yourself some time and it will get better. As far as people pushing you to get back out there AKA dating, don't be pressured. When you are ready, you will know it. For me, it took nearly 2 years before I could even consider dating anyone.
I've been divorced over three years now, have a completely new and exciting life, yet at times, I do find myself upset and shedding a tear for the life I once thought I was going to have forever.
Give yourself time to grieve the death of your marriage and I promise that when the time is right for you, life will get so much better.
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