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Post by whalecounter on Jul 31, 2008 23:12:14 GMT -5
I am new to this board, so please forgive me if this question has been asked a million times. How in the world do I get through this? I am in the process of packing and moving out of our house into an apartment. To make an extremely long story fairly short, I've been married for 3 years, together for 6. He left me last year, only 1 day after we celebrated our 2 yr wedding anniversary....claiming he couldn't do it anymore, wasn't happy, and needed space. We'd been in counseling for six months for various reasons, though namely because i wanted children & he did not. Through counseling I realized just how much he was pulling away, but i was still surprised to see him leave. Fast forward six months and he came back, saying all of the right things. I let him move back thinking i had my husband back, my life back...Only two months later he tells me yet again he just can't be married. He wasn't happy, and he couldn't "find" himself while being with me. I am beyond devastated. I feel like I've lost everything in my life that was important to me. I'm having to move out since I can't afford the house. I can't stop crying. I am messing up at work (though they have been very understanding). I can't sleep, i can't focus. How do you get past all of this? How do you get the motivation to keep moving forward with life? It seems like such a huge chore. Especially now, trying to pack away my life into boxes...i keep coming across pictures and other knick knacks that represented our life together. I can't believe it's gone. I just can't believe it. i try to keep busy. I see friends two to three times a week. My family has been incredibly supportive. I started volunteering last year. I go to the gym six days a week...i try to stay busy. But the minute i stop moving, all of the feelings just rush back inside me. Are there others out there that can relate? I just feel so unbelievably alone. Many thanks for reading this unbelievably depressing post
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Post by crushy on Jul 31, 2008 23:57:46 GMT -5
I know the devastation, but I also made it through it. Divorce is like grieving the death of a loved one. You're in mourning of what you thought your life would be. I'm sure him coming back saying all of the right things just made things more difficult. As I read your story, I thought you sounded like you are doing pretty well to do as much has you have been doing. Some of us just want to crawl into a hole. I'm glad to hear you have the support of good friends and family. I wish I had some profound words that would comfort you, but all I can say is, 'It's not a cliche, it really does get better with time.' I know I hated to hear that when I was at your stage of my divorce, but now that I've had time, I can say it's true. Hang in there. This site has a lot of really great people. You will find friends that understand and can honestly say they know how you feel. Be kind to yourself. Crushy
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Post by lumpy on Aug 1, 2008 0:32:45 GMT -5
I don't know how helpful this will be. This is a quick passage from a novel I'm reading that struck a chord...
Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.
Pain is part of life.Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.
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Post by sheyd on Aug 1, 2008 8:07:54 GMT -5
You just take one day at a time, get through it, breathe, cry when you need to, and suddenly you will just realize you have had more good days than bad. You will start to really see the wonderful things and people all around you, and it will be like waking up. You will get there, but for now - just one day at a time.
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Post by rocko on Aug 1, 2008 8:22:15 GMT -5
Grieving is a process you will have to go through. It is great to get out and do things, but make sure you take the time to deal with the hurt that comes from the end of this path in life.
I don't mean to just lie down and quit anything, but make sure you acknowledge the pain. You will have to go through all of the steps just like if someone died. There will be a rollercoaster effect and you will bounce back and forth between stages, but eventually you will feel better.
((((HUGS)))))
Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
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Post by jules on Aug 1, 2008 9:11:05 GMT -5
First, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's probably the most painful thing in you're life you'll have to go through. You have a group of people here who can completely understand and relate. You're not alone.
You get through it just has you have been getting through it -- day by day. It hurts like hell. But, like Nietzsche said (and I fully believe), "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Right now you just need to go through the motions to get through each day. You're doing exactly what you should be doing by staying active and leaning on friends and family for support. I remember being amazed at how supportive people were when I allowed them to be. Allow yourself to lean on any and everyone. They will keep you going.
As for work, I found it helpful to seek short-term counseling through my employee assistance program. If you haven't already, check your company handbook to see if this is something available to you. Otherwise, you can find a counselor on your own. It doesn't need to be forever, but at least to get through the really rough stuff. I also found that Wellbutrin helped me to stay a little more focused, so talk with your doctor about what's going on and if maybe s/he would suggest prescribing something to help you get through the really rough stuff. Again, it doesn't have to be (and shouldn't be) forever.
I've always been a reader, so I read a ton of self-help books about divorce. Most were garbage, but sometimes I even got a little glimpse of hope even from the crappy ones. One that I did find immensely helpful was Not Your Mother's Divorce. I also found it therapeutic to write about it in the form of a blog and in a journal. I'm not sure whether or not you're spiritual at all, but I also prayed like hell for the strength to get through it.
Also, in the midst of all the emotional stuff, I urge you to please be sure to protect yourself legally and financially ASAP, if you haven't already. It will give you something to focus on while being proactive.
It's a journey that I wouldn't necessarily wish on anyone, but that in the end has affected each of us for the better in some way, shape, or form. Prepare to be amazed by yourself and of what you are truly capable.
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Post by shattered on Aug 1, 2008 9:50:44 GMT -5
jules - what an amazing post.
whalecounter -- I am so sorry you are going through this. How horrible and gut-wrenching to have him come back just to leave again two months later. I know it feels like it's too much to bear. I wish I could take away the pain.
I haven't yet had the experience that this makes me stronger, but many people on this board have.
I know exactly what you mean about just not being able to believe that this has happened. For the first four or five months after my ex broke our engagement from one minute to the next, I was consumed with "I can't believe it, I just can't believe it." It was like my brain simply wouldn't process the information. I couldn't believe it, I couldn't accept it, I could barely function.
I'm 10 months post-break-up now, and while I still can't believe it, it's not something that consumes me anymore. I know the same will be true for you.
I'm currently in a relapse and it's really hard. But I have to trust that I will come out of this relapse just like I did out of the others.
As for books, I read a gazillion self-help books, too, and I am amazed at the one I found the most helpful: It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken. It's by Greg Behrendt (author of He's Just Not That Into You) and his wife. I know, I know, it sounds like this is a book for teenagers full of light-hearted jokey stuff. That is exactly what I thought, which is why I never even so much as flipped through the book at the bookstore or the libary.
A friend of mine suggested I read the book and lent it to me, so I started reading because I wanted to be appreciative. I was amazed by how much Behrendt and his wife really do understand pain. They were both miserably rejected by their previous partners before they found each other.
There is def. humor in the book, but unlike humor in other books, it did actually make me see the lighter side of things, if even for a second.
Anyway, just a suggestion.
If you can't sleep, I would talk to a doctor about taking a mild sleep aid for a while. I would also, like jules said, def. consider taking an anti-depressant for a while. The standard anti-depresseants today are non-addictive, safe, and have few side-effects. Not every medication works the same for eveyone of course, and you may have to try more than one. I've been on Zoloft since the break-up. The only side effect that I have from it is that the sex drive is gone, which is a huge blessing in my current state. To be honest, I like taking it just for that reason.
Ditto on what jules said about the counseling, too. Ditto on everything jules said -- listen to jules!
This pain is so horrible and the situation so incomprehensible. I'm so very sorry.
You've come to the right place. There are some wonderful people on this board.
You are not alone.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Aug 1, 2008 13:04:15 GMT -5
Hi,i know that all of us in this board would try our best to help you through this time.We all have one thing in common in this board and that is pain inflicted emotionally by our partners or ex partners.We have all been through the first stages like you and all of us experiance this differently from each other.I just want to say that from my own experiance is that the ones closest to you will support you through this.From reading your post it seems that your ex seems to be confused as to what it is that he actually wants out of his life experiance or seeks in life.It may sound strange at this time or something that you may not want to hear but sometimes it is better that he made the decision that he cannot do this now rather than after several years.Use this time to grieve and find your true self.Try not to define yourself with him in it.My situation was similiar to yours in that the person was never sure what it is they wanted and it went on with breakups and makeups.That was the mistake that i made.I always defined myself with her in it.I saw the dream of the future with her inn it and did not want to let go of.that dream but that dream was not hers.it was only mine.The future is alive with possibility,the past is dead and cannot come back except to remind you of things that you just cannot change.I read an article once about the law of projection that helped me and it states that "The film that projects,depicts and creates the events in ones life story is stored within ones consciousness,The intimate coversations,attitudes and relationship one has within ones consiousness,are reflected in experiances on the outer screen of life (the world)One is the recorder and projector of ones own life".It then goes on to say that.if you look for sadness,grief and despair in the world,you will find it everwhere.If you look for happiness ,joy and contentment in the world,you will also find it everywhere.So the fact is that joy and sadness is both everywhere. You will see what you want to see but you must understand that deciding what you want to see comes first and not the other way around.I hope you find some peace within the words that i write.Try to stay strong and dont feel guilty of not being strong at times.It is allowed when you are going through times like ours.
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Post by lqdKaos on Aug 1, 2008 14:21:44 GMT -5
First, let me say I am sorry you are in a circumstance that made you find this place. But you are in good hands here.
One thing that we used to tell people about is the concept of "No Contact" It was cruel for him to come back and give you hope that things would be better. In my experience, it will happen again. It is up to you to be strong and not let him in. No matter how great the words from his mouth are.
So break off contact with him. As suggested above, protect yourself legally and financially. Get a lawyer. Make sure to close any joint accounts or accounts that he has access to. You do not want to wake up one day and find yourself drowning in debt that he created after leaving.
Any new contact from this point should be thru a lawyer or other intermediary. Otherwise you open yourself up for more emotional breakdowns. Do not give him that power over you.
Be strong, keep your head up and keep doing the things you are doing. Going to the gym helped me a ton. Soon you will be in such great shape and with physical fitness comes mental fitness.
((((HUG))))
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Post by lumpy on Aug 1, 2008 16:47:16 GMT -5
One thing that we used to tell people about is the concept of "No Contact" It was cruel for him to come back and give you hope that things would be better. In my experience, it will happen again. It is up to you to be strong and not let him in. No matter how great the words from his mouth are. Seconded. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. As painful as it might be, you should excise this person.
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Post by whalecounter on Aug 1, 2008 19:00:22 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for your replies. It truly helps me to know that there are still wonderful people out here in this world, and that all of you can understand how i feel.
Jules - lots of great suggestions, thanks! It's funny, i actually already got the book "Not Your Mother's Divorce". Started reading it - absolutely love the way it's written. Haven't been able to pick it up in two weeks though, the pain is just too raw. I'm still in disbelief mode.
Shattered - I have been in counseling since he left (the first time). it's been very helpful for me. I am learning a lot about myself, who i became while i was with him, and trying to figure out where i want to go. I also went on meds earlier this year because i was dropping into such a deep funk, and doing things that were harmful to myself. It helps a bit, but with the way things are now, I feel like it doesn't make much difference. I've been instructed today to increase the dosage, so we shall see if that makes a difference.
Daryl - I did the same thing you did -let my relationship with him define me. Now, without it, i feel lost, and many times, hopeless, unlovable, and stupid! I know it's stupid to even feel that way, and sometimes i am amazed at how much i let myself, my true inner spirit, get lost in him & our relationship. I know deep down that it is a good thing that he chose to break off our relationship fairly early on. One day i will appreciate that. But, today is not the day.
lqdKaos- Definitely agree with the no contact rule. i tried that for about two weeks. I was getting many emails from him, and he was increasingly frustrated with my lack of response. I ignored text messages & phone calls too. We finally started emailing again mainly due to circumstances (i am moving out of our home so there are a lot of loose ends to tie up). but, other than that, i really don't want to talk to him, or see him. it's so painful. and when we're together he's usually either really overly sweet, wanting to hold me & take the pain away, or he's downright rude telling me it's time to get over it, move on with things. He's obviously got a lot of issues and he tries to take it out on me, or to use me to dissuade his guilt and pain. I will try to keep up the no contact rule for as much as what is feasibly possible.
I did consult with lawyers, who have all told me that because we've been married for such a short time & we basically have no assets, it's not really necessary to retain a lawyer at this time. I will consult with one once we have an agreement drawn up to make sure that it's all in order, but other than that, i think it will be a simple divorce.
Question for everyone - what the hell do you do with all the wedding memorabilia? photos, guest book, memory boxes, wedding dress, etc. I am unsure what to take and what to leave. I thought of that day as the best day of my life, and now it is just a painful memory of all my hopes & dreams. But i can't imagine not having pictures and things. Just wondering what was typical for everyone.
thanks again for all your support. I am going to need it as i move out this weekend into my own place (first time ever!). I guess i just need to keep taking it one day at a time (or for that matter, one minute at a time) and try not to focus too much on the future.
{{{Hugs to all}}}} ~kim
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Post by jules on Aug 1, 2008 20:15:15 GMT -5
He's obviously got a lot of issues and he tries to take it out on me, or to use me to dissuade his guilt and pain. I'm so very glad that you recognize this. You are further along than you realize. And no contact will help immensely. I think it's one of those things that is hard at first, but best in the end. Even though you anticipate a fairly simple divorce (legally) I still urge you to protect yourself at least financially, and be prepared to do so legally, which it sounds like you are. You need to remember that in a sense this is not the man you married, and sometimes people who are having "issues" do crazy things and come up with crazy ideas. For example, my ex got it in his head he was going to go after me for alimony. Hopefully this sort of thing doesn't happen in your case, but just be prepared to look out for yourself. As for the wedding memoribilia, mine is in storage. I've no clue what to do with it. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at it without feeling anything, but I know that day hasn't arrived yet, and until I think it might be possible, it's best out of sight, for me at least. Sending you hugs...
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Post by kittenhart on Aug 3, 2008 15:23:21 GMT -5
sorry you are suffering and having to deal with all this....we are here and others have given you lots of good advice already in the previous posts. Try to keep yourself focussed on the future and busy....I found that I coped best during the worst of the moving crap by using denial, and by focussing literally just on that one day, each day, for awhile.
As for all the wedding momentos, I would say to take it for now, you can always put it in storage until you are ready to deal with it....or get rid of it later if you feel that is the best way for you, but it is imposssible to get your photos back later if you just leave it all.....I found that the photos were very important to me later, but maybe they won't be for you.
My heart goes out to you...this is such a shitty time (and it was low of him to come back and string you along) but you will get through this.....you will. Be good to yourself, baby yourself a little, but try not to indulge yourself too much in looking back and reminiscing. You will come through this in the end.
((((( Hugs))))))
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Post by freckles on Aug 3, 2008 15:26:36 GMT -5
It takes Time
In Time you will feel better
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Post by gdgross on Aug 4, 2008 13:34:11 GMT -5
Question for everyone - what the hell do you do with all the wedding memorabilia? photos, guest book, memory boxes, wedding dress, etc. I am unsure what to take and what to leave. I thought of that day as the best day of my life, and now it is just a painful memory of all my hopes & dreams. But i can't imagine not having pictures and things. Just wondering what was typical for everyone. My wedding stuff is either in a landfill somewhere or boxed up living in the bowels of my garage. I saved the album maybe one or two other things. I figure my kids might want to see it someday. I threw most of it out, and sold anything that was worth anything. Kind of felt a little guilty passing on the bad mojo when I sold the ring, but not too guilty. He got a smoking deal. You get what you pay for, I guess! ;D Why do you want to save the pictures? The only reason I did it was what I mentioned above. I want to forget my ex as much as possible. Sometimes I wish my brain were a computer and I could just reformat that section of my hard drive. Cut your ex from your life as much as possible, I say. After an appropriate time to grieve, though. I did have the album still in my house for a while, and cried many nights looking through it.
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