daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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A fool
Aug 3, 2008 17:59:05 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Aug 3, 2008 17:59:05 GMT -5
I feel like one a very big fool thats been taken for a ride on a continuous basis. She phones and asks if i can take care of my daughter this sunday because she is working all day and will only be back at 8 the evening however because she will be tired, i can keep my daughter for the night and drop her of early monday morning. It all seems strange to me because she never just allows me to keep the child overnight. I agree though. Spend the day with my daughter and as i think about what she has said It dawns on me that she is talking hogwash regarding work as the nanny is always there however she gives the nanny the day off. 8 comes and goes and it is now 12 midnight and she did not even call to ask if the child is okay. Now i know that this may sound strange but i feel like an idiot and a fool. I keep thinking to myself that i am taking care of my daughter only because she may be in the sack with another guy yet she gives me a hard time for access most other times. This really makes my feel sick and jealous and angry. Why am i feeling like this ,well i have asked her several times what it was that happened and she has no answers. She then says that there were too many problems in our relationship. However i react by saying that yes they was only one problem and that was that she refused to stay out of my familys business. She needed to know what they were doing on a continuous basis and then fight with me because of it when it had nothing to do with us. Believe me guys ,this really was the ongoing problem. She has always been a misery guts withs me for no reason. She never cooked or cleaned .The only thing in the 15 years that she enjoyed more than hating my family was to sleep. She could sleep a complete weekend . Get up ,eat what i had cooked. Insult me about my family then go back to sleep. She forced a marriage just so she can fall pregnant and then screw the rest of the world once she experianced pregnancy. How could i have been such a fool. Why am i so jealous and angry at the moment considering that all she ever did was treat me badly and eat every cent that i made. I just feel so hurt and confused at the moment . I am her nanny when she needs to hop in the sack and i have a pretty strong feeling that this is exactly what she has got up to. I wish i could just forget that i ever knew this woman or erase the last fifteen years of my life with her. It has been 18 months now and i am sick of hurting pining and wasting my time in hope for a useless excuse for a woman. I dont even know why i even feel anything considering that she treated the dog better than she did me.
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A fool
Aug 4, 2008 0:09:00 GMT -5
Post by soupnazi on Aug 4, 2008 0:09:00 GMT -5
Damn, daryl. You have alot going on, both in real life, and in your thoughts.
No one needs to tell you this, but put every focus on your child. Your ex sounds like ten kinds of crazy, so when dealing with her, deal only with her in writing. When you have dealings with her that are verbal (on the phone, discussions in person), then document everything you talk with her about, times you talked to her, dates, locations, etc.
What I get from you is that you are focused on your kid, and that your ex tries to do anything that she can to mess all of that up.
One thing that I can see from you is that you are trying to analyze your ex, trying to see what "went wrong" with the two of you.
Stop. Don't try to figure out your ex, you will go nuts trying to figure that out. What you two were in the past is just that, in the past. You have a kid that you have only some time with, so make the very most of that.
Dude, it is hard to do this. Moving on and living a new life is tough. Trying to figure out who your ex is with is just exhausting.
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A fool
Aug 4, 2008 0:29:15 GMT -5
Post by whalecounter on Aug 4, 2008 0:29:15 GMT -5
First off, hugs to you Daryl.
Sounds like things are pretty tough for you right now. I'm sorry for that. I understand how it feels to wonder what your ex is up to, wonder why she's asked you to watch your daughter....to be suspicious of her actions. But, i think the question you need to ask yourself is, Does thinking about all of these things do anything positive for me? If the answer is no, then you should probably continue to try and move on and away from all of this. As difficult as it is, as long as you're still focusing so much on her actions, you won't be able to move on with your life.
It must be even harder to move on when you share a daughter with her. I can't imagine what that must be like. You have my full support though, and I hope that you can focus your energies on being a good father. Even if that means that you're with her while your ex is with someone else. At least you get to spend more time with your child! That's a postive thing. I guess what I'm saying is to try and look at the positive things that are coming out of this mess.
My therapist recently gave me a task to help me deal with this depression that i seem to be slipping further into. Get an inspirational book that has positive affirmations in it. Read it every day. Use those quotes/stories/etc to motivate you and get you through the day. I'm not sure if that will work for you, but give it a try and maybe it'll help focus your thoughts and energies and getting yourself healthy.
Oh and one last thing to remember, you're not a fool. none of us are. Just because we loved with all of our hearts and all of our souls, while our lovers threw that away does NOT mean we're fools. It can't be...one day we have to find someone who wants our love, who will return our love, and let us be who we really are.
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A fool
Aug 4, 2008 11:06:35 GMT -5
Post by redskyatnight on Aug 4, 2008 11:06:35 GMT -5
Daryl,
Both posters give some great advice. You need to give up worrying about what your ex does and who she does it with. It will drive you mad.
Focus on the positive of this experience. You got to spend an entire day, evening and night with your daughter. Last week, you were fighting to get time with her.
Your daughter is what is important now. So what if your ex goes out, it means you get to spend time with your kid.
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A fool
Aug 4, 2008 11:52:57 GMT -5
Post by jules on Aug 4, 2008 11:52:57 GMT -5
Some very good advice here, especially regarding the urge to analyze your ex and/or what went wrong. It's really hard to accept (especially for those of us who are always looking for a reason to make sense of things) but sometimes there just aren't any answers. Life is funny that way. When you accept that, it will be a huge relief.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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A fool
Aug 4, 2008 18:22:59 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Aug 4, 2008 18:22:59 GMT -5
Hi thanks alot for all the advise guys.I know that i need to not bother about what she gets up to and believe me i have tried. It is very difficult when you have to see the person regularly. I seem to go in and out of cycles with my feelings. Most of the time i believe that i am okay when i dont see her however when i do go to pick my daughter up , emotions seems to just flood back and slap me in the face. I am sitting in my own home of 10 years as a visitor . I look at the kitchen and sometimes just forget that i cannot open the fridge. She then walks in from a room and it seems as if i was in a bad dream and i am now awake. Every single item that is in that home has remained unchanged since i had to leave 18 months ago except for my daughters toys scatered around. Each time i leave , even when it is with my daughter ,it is painful. I worked extemely hard for 10 long years to pay that house of and she knew this. What got to me on sunday i guess was the fact that someone else will enjoy the benefits of my hard work and sweat that i put into that home and relationship. The thought of someone else sleeping on my bed just made me sick. I had just completed all the payments for that house and she then started pressurising me to get married and you guys know the rest. She keeps on picking on the fact that i did not want to get married to her and i told her this before we were married yet she cannot understand that the reason i did not want to get married at that point was because i knew that we needed to iron out certain problems before getting married. IT was not as if i did not love her but it was a case of just trusting your gut. Trusting my gut is one thing i should have done in hindsite. I think these are the reasons that i cannot easily let go. I really want to forget all this now as it has affected many areas of my life. It seems that most people get over there ex's in a short period.I keep on wondering why i am not moving on so to speak. I wonder if any one has tried hynotherapy for this and does would that work. I pretty much am through with wanting to deal with this anymore as the emotions are a real roller coaster ride that i dont want to be on anymore. It may sound like a stupid question but i would not know if i dont ask.
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A fool
Aug 5, 2008 8:12:23 GMT -5
Post by JimB on Aug 5, 2008 8:12:23 GMT -5
I certainly think it's a good thing that you're thinking in terms of how you can get past this, rather than fixating on your ex. I don't have any experience with hypnotherapy, but if you've exhausted more conventional means (like traditional therapy), then give it a try.
Identifying and taking ownership of the real issue here is a big step, and it seems like you've done that. Once you understand that what stands between you and happiness is internal rather than external, you can take whatever steps necessary to deal with it.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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A fool
Aug 5, 2008 9:41:01 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Aug 5, 2008 9:41:01 GMT -5
Hi yes i have been for therapy i am not sure if it did help or not. I have been for at least one session every week for about 7 months or so.It seemed to have helped to reduce my bank balance but i am not sure if it has done anything else. I decided to stop at the beginning of this year.
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A fool
Aug 5, 2008 12:08:49 GMT -5
Post by Dave on Aug 5, 2008 12:08:49 GMT -5
IF you don't think therapy was working I would recommend trying a different one. A good therapist should be able to help you.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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A fool
Aug 5, 2008 13:45:23 GMT -5
Post by daryl on Aug 5, 2008 13:45:23 GMT -5
Well,i really dont know about speaking to a therapist anymore. I wanted some sort of closure in some way whilst with my therapist but got nothing of substance that made me feel better about my situation.I dont think i want to go through doing that again. I maybe wrong but it is too much to invest all over again with someone that wont be able to do much better than the one i already have been to. I have wasted too much time ,money and effort on all of this. I lost my house and my child in a way that i am not a proper father that i wanted to be.No matter how much i pay and as much as therapists can sympathise and offer strategies to overcome, the fact is that i will have to do it myself and cannot rely on external sources,which i think i have been doing for far too long. I relied on my ex for love and support and got nothing beside financial and emotional loss. I relied on my parents growing up and got nothing but emotional loss l relied on a therapist to get me through a difficult period and all i got was financial loss. So you see i am through relying on others to make me feel like what i am supposed to feel like , whatever that is. I am now relying on myself to feel and saviour every emotion be it sad or happy and own it as mine and no person can charge me for that or take it away from me. Yes i will have days when i feel down and days that i feel happy but i am not going to blame anyone for feeling down anymore. I would go for hypnosis if that would help me not to think of her in the way that i do, which brings back 15 years of memories that i seem to hold on to but am not going to retalk all my emotions to another stranger.I think that i am going to set a cutoff date regarding my ex. I am going to wrap up all my emotions that i feel about her and my feelings of whatever it is that is my closure on the matter on paper and am going to deliberatley try to shut any thought of her out of my mind if i can and move on.
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A fool
Aug 5, 2008 16:15:53 GMT -5
Post by JimB on Aug 5, 2008 16:15:53 GMT -5
OK, let us know how it goes. I will say that if you're able to do all that on your own, it makes you stronger than 99% of the guys out there. You're right in saying you need to do it essentially on your own, but accepting professional guidance should help you do it more efficiently. If it's the right kind of professional guidance. (Only you can say if it's the wrong kind.)
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