super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Aug 8, 2008 9:51:13 GMT -5
I find myself asking a lot what it means that he moved on so quickly, and that I've moved on. What does it mean that we can be happy with others?
Was it not special? Can the same thing be easily had with almost anyone? It seems that he just needed to find my doppelganger, and I just needed a little extra time.
I feel like right now I'm not capable of fully opening up. It's more of an unconcious feeling, but if I couldn't trust my ex, I can't trust anyone. It seems like if I can start caring about someone else it invalidates my past relationship and that makes me feel even less like I can open up.
Did anyone else go through these feelings?
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Post by jules on Aug 8, 2008 10:47:39 GMT -5
I feel like right now I'm not capable of fully opening up. It's more of an unconscious feeling, but if I couldn't trust my ex, I can't trust anyone. I feel exactly the same way. Only I'm very conscious about it. During my less pessimistic moods, I don't believe that what happened after has anything to do with the validity of the relationship for what it was. A lot of it does have to do with timing, but more about the people who we were/are during a period in time, and how the other person fits into that life. As people we grow and change, and that's why it's pretty rare for the person you're with at a young age (early twenties) to necessarily be the best life partner for you.
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Aug 8, 2008 11:48:32 GMT -5
i know you're right, and i think you're right. so why can't i FEEL you're right!?
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Post by shattered on Aug 8, 2008 12:31:36 GMT -5
i know you're right, and i think you're right. so why can't i FEEL you're right!? Because it takes a while, sometimes a long while, for our emotions to catch up with our minds. I'm still where you are, too. My emotions are still a long way off from being reconciled with what I think I've recognized and acknowledged in my head.
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Post by JimB on Aug 8, 2008 13:22:05 GMT -5
First of all, I know it's a broken record, but just because he exudes an aura of "moved on" doesn't mean he really has. It's one of those things you'll never really know, because in order for you to find out, he'd have to open up to you - something neither of you wants at this point.
Secondly, I know the habit of comparing your healing process to that of others is hard to resist, but resist it you must, young paduan. Especially if the healing process you're comparing yourself to is that of your ex. Progress other people are or are not making has little to do with you, because they aren't you. You'll open up and trust again on your own time table, and when you do, it'll be good. In the meantime, worrying about such things becoming "permanent" merely holds you back. Little in life is the same as it was 5 years ago - what makes you think anything will be the same in another 5 years?
Finally, I struggled with the same issue as far as invalidating my past relationship. What I finally came around to is that relationship was right for me, in that time. It could no longer possibly work for me, because I'm a different person now. I don't hate her, because that's an awful lot of effort to invest in someone so irrelevant to who I am now. In short, I'm able to validate my history by separating the person I was from the person I am. Took me a significant amount of time to get there, though.
Your mileage may vary.
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Post by sheyd on Aug 8, 2008 13:38:23 GMT -5
What does it mean that we can be happy with others? Was it not special? Can the same thing be easily had with almost anyone? It seems like if I can start caring about someone else it invalidates my past relationship and that makes me feel even less like I can open up. Did anyone else go through these feelings? I kind of pulled these together, because I think they ARE common, and are one of the sticking points that keep people from moving on, because they don't want to invalidate where they were. I like to compare it to having more than one child. If you have a second child, does that mean the first one doesn't mean anything? Does that mean you love them less, or they become less special? Does the second one not get your whole heart because you have "been there, done that"? No to all. Each person and relationship IS special, and no one can replace that or invalidate that, just because there is also others. You moved on because there was no relationship with him NOW that stops you from exploring the other possibilities. Yes, you CAN have special relationships with other people, so can he, and that DOESN'T mean it wasn't special between the two of you, it is just a separate and different relationship from anything you are involved with or going to be involved with in the future. And those can be special too.
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Post by crushy on Aug 10, 2008 10:35:28 GMT -5
You've gotten some incredible advice! One of the parts I love about becoming older is being able to put things into perspective and realize things that happen to us are not necessarily ground breaking, but become a part of many experiences that make us who we are and how we react.
As time passes, I believe you will pull the good from your previous relationship as well as the bad. Each will help you appreciate those things that are right with your next relationship and send off sirens if there are things that are wrong.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Aug 10, 2008 15:00:24 GMT -5
I believe that it means that no matter how much any one of us tries to love someone else, it does not mean that they see the effort in trying as we do. As individuals they have different dreams for the future and realised that we are not part of the equation to fulfill there dreams.Instead of explaining so that we understand what it is that they want ,they choose the path of walking away and trying to find someone that they do not need to explain there wants and needs to.At the end of the day love is frustrating when your the one trying to love someone and it is not noticed and appreciated when the other is looking elswhere instead of under there nose for love. I also have come to the realisation that the more deeply one tries to love another ,then the more harder it is to break away when your partner goes there own way, similar to drugs the more you use the more diificult to let go. The cure is also the same. One day at a time and no contact if you can manage and similar to a drug ,we also crave the other person to be in our lives at various stages in our lives and as time goes by the craving becomes further and further apart. I think alot of us are love addicts finding it difficult to let go because you remember the wonderfull feeling you had when you were first in love with the other person.
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