My first marriage, and how to tell my daughter

[Kim Possible]

I had been thinking about this recently, that one day I would tell her that I was married before her father and I were. But since she's only 8, and really doesn't understand that the boundaries fo who needs to know what, I figured it wouldn't happen for many years.

But last night, out of nowhere, she asks me if I was married before daddy. All I could come up with was "why are you asking me that". We went back and forth about 5 times, and all she kept saying was "I was just wondering".

Sure, it is possible, but I find it hard to believe that she wasn't prompted to ask this, by, say, her father?? I know she gets the concept of getting married again and second marriages, but I just found it weird that she'd ask me that. There is a possibility that she overheard something. But she just came back from being with her dad for 10 days.

I am not a big fan of lying to her, only to unlie when she can understand. After giving it some thought, I decided I'd give her no details, other than it just didn't work out.

(the real backstory, for those who don't know me, is that I got married at 20 to my HS sweetheart, engaged at 18, met at 16, we were way too young, he treated me like crap. He had a messed up family, no one knew how to treat each other. Then I went through some major life changes (my brother committed suicide, I lost my job), and he just wansn't there for me. My daughters father came along like a knight in shining armour and convinced me that he was the man for me.... and I fell for it).

I still have some scars from the way my first marriage ended (because I cheated on him to be with my next husband, who in turn cheated on me to be with his now gf). I do not feely advertise that I am a double-divorcee. It actually took me about 6 months to tell my current bf about it. I was embarrassed. Who the hell is married twice by age 24? I still have some acquaintances who do not know about #1. People are judgmental, and it would be assumed that it must be me

This, I think is one of the reasons I didn't want her to know. I am not ready for all the questions, and the matter of fact way she will deal with it. Like, I don't need her telling all her friends. But I don't want to stifle the conversation. She definitely sensed it was something I didn't want to talk about, b/c she said 'you're not gonna go crying now, are you' (she knows me very well). And honestly, if I didn't say 'no' right away, is she thinking that i am hiding something from her?

I would love to emphasize the importance of being in a relationship where the person treats you right, but then
I don't want to get into anything about her father and I. He is still a vital part of her life.

[Bobfromacctg]

Thats a tough one for sure. If it was me, I would not lie to her but acknowledge that you were indeed married before her father. However, I would also drill in the point that you made a huge mistake because you were both too young and too immature to really handle the marriage. Plus, since you were so young, you really didn't know each other and that caused you some huge heartache.

She is young enough that she should be appeased - for now. As she gets older, go into the .."just because the s ex feels good, does not for a happy marriage make" talk...

Don't blast her father - thats not a good idea. Stick to facts and keep emotion out of it...

At least thats my take on it...


Good luck.

[jules]

I think your instinct to tell her the truth without giving any details is right at this time, with her only being 8 years old. The only thing you might want to add since she is obviously sensitive to your feelings is that it was a sad time in your life that you don't like to think about or talk about, so you appreciate her respecting that, but someday when she is older and the time is right, you will tell her more about it.

What a tough one. If your daughter's father did share this info with her, pardon me, but what a f*cking asshole.

[Kim Possible]

I wanted to give my parents the heads up, because she stayed with them this weekend. I told my parents that I basically didn't want it to be an ongoing thing, her constantly bringing it up, especially in the matter of fact way she does with other things (like my brother, who died 6 yrs before she was born). We miss my brother and loved hiom very much. I can;t say the same for my first husband.


When I poicked her up from my parents, my mom informed me that she posed the same quetsion to my mom.... about my mom and dad!! I thought that was interesting (they are each other's first, BTW). So pehaps it is just a thing she is asking people now. But whatever it is, I need to be ready, in case it comes up again

[blu]

I think you handled it well and I do agree to say yes you were married before add the notes about being too young and then move on.

My oldest knows that I was engaged for several years, very young, and before their dad and it did not work out for us due to religous differences. My family sometimes speaks of J (my Piano man) and always fondly and kindly, so it does not bother the girls. They also ask basic questions - like if I had married him would they exist etc... They have seen a few pictures that we all have with him in them and I have left it at that for now.

Sounds like she just got an idea in her head and is following it

[jojostar]

Maybe she heard something in school and if you say yes she might just say ok and get on with something else. My kids are always asking stuff they were truly amazed I even existed before they came along. Even if you explain to an extent what happened like you have on your post she'll learn more about you and that its ok if something isnt working to walk away and that even if it doesnt work again its not the end of the world. I tell my children that things in my life havent worked and say that now because it hasnt worked it makes me a better mum so that if something doesnt work in your life i've had experience and i can help you. It will show her you are human and if you hide it it might make her think its a bad thing.......Wots the worst thing she'll do the same or she'll put up with a shitty bastard who doesnt support her help her love her for the rest of her life i'd rather my daughter had 10 husbands than put up with the wrong one....