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Post by Kim Possible on Aug 27, 2008 10:13:11 GMT -5
I'm sure many of you have seen this t-shirt by now. At first, I though it was kinda cute. Then last week, there was this family of 3 sisters and a brother, who all got married on the same day, in the same ceremony. They were on tv, and all the guys had the shirts on. I guess I have become very sensitive to that stereotype, that the guy's life is over when they get married. Maybe it's because when I was married, I felt like I had no life, that my 'game' was over. And it also sends this message that the guy is being forced into it. That he doesn't want to do it. I know it's hard to believe but both times I was married (yes BOTH) it was all about them wanting to do it. I wouldn't say my life was over the first time (it was so short and we were so young), but I certainly did not have a 'hold' on either one of my husbands, as the strereotype suggests. I cringe every time I hear my bf and his friends talk about what their 'wives' (wife also ='s gf in some of the cases) allow them to do and when they can go out with the guys, etc. Then WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED??? Part of me feels he just goes along with the guys (because guys do that). He has 3 brothers and a sister, all of which are married, and only one of thems 'game' is over (b/c of the woman he married) My first ex still went out with the guys, I never stopped him. In turn, my mom suggested that we never spent time together. My second ex had no friends, but spent his "me time" at work, where he ultimately met his current gf. To which, again, my mom said "you guys don't spend enough time together". (Incidentally, my dad's "game" has been over for almost 40 yrs ) I have been thinking a lot about if I will ever get married again. And one of the things I feel strongly about is not ending someones "game", by marrying them. BTW, I told my bf, that if I were to ever get married again, I am going to wear that shirt (excpet I realized the guy is frowning and the girl is smiling)
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Post by gdgross on Aug 27, 2008 10:37:45 GMT -5
One thing I told my ex (when we were married) was that I never wanted her to not do something that she wanted to do because she was married to me. I wanted her to life her life and find satisfaction and fulfillment in her pursuits. I didn't want to cramp her style.
Within reason of course. I didn't include screwing other guys, for example, in this statement. ;D
As in most things, balance and moderation are important. You need your guy time (or girl time), but also can't neglect the relationship.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Aug 27, 2008 11:02:02 GMT -5
I think quite often the stereotype suggests that men would love to be bachelors forever. This goes along with the "sex stops when marriage happens" or "once you give her a ring, the nagging starts" thing. There are tons, and tons of these out there and I think the shirt just is blatantly a symbol of all of the ones that mean marriage is a bad thing for the guy...That poor, poor man. (lol)
Sadly, I find that sometimes I am sensitive to these stereotypes as well. They bother me and offend me a little when I think of the bigger image it reflects in society. I know just as many men who have loved being married as women...And, on the opposite side, just as many women who have hated being married as the men who've hated it. Marriage is a compromise in a lot of ways as it's a sharing of personalities so close you can't really escape them. But, while each makes compromise, both should also maintain themselves. These stereotypes typically suggest the man having to give up of himself for the woman to take over...
We all are adults. I think sometimes when men start their wife bashing, they are just in need of a good ol' bitch fest (just like us women need sometimes). So, I try to find the humor in it and I laugh at my guy friends and family when they start. I really take less offense to the people I am close to than the overall image that society puts on men and women in marriage.
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Post by Kim Possible on Aug 27, 2008 13:17:26 GMT -5
One thing I told my ex (when we were married) was that I never wanted her to not do something that she wanted to do because she was married to me. I wanted her to life her life and find satisfaction and fulfillment in her pursuits. I didn't want to cramp her style. Within reason of course. I didn't include screwing other guys, for example, in this statement. ;D As in most things, balance and moderation are important. You need your guy time (or girl time), but also can't neglect the relationship. I love it!! So true, so true... I do agree about the guy/girl time. I feel there is a double standard with this, that guy time is guy time without the wives, ans girl time includes the men, the children, (like going to Gymboree for mommy and me is 'girl time') and family outings. Guy time only seems to be for the guy, to get away from everyone else. My man and I talked about what it would be like if we were married. I asked him if he felt his lofe would change that much. The one thing I learned from my past is that I am not sarcificing 'girl time'. I never had any girl time when I was married. Now there are two types of 'girl times' in my life; with my daughter, and with my friends. That will not change if I were to get married. My friend and I and our daughters went away for the weekend, we've done beach days, dinner nights, etc. And in turn, I would not force my husband to stay in every night just to be with me and my daughter. We absolultey need separate time with our own friends, as long as there is no screwing around (that should be understood)
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blu
Full Member
Posts: 145
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Post by blu on Aug 28, 2008 0:04:06 GMT -5
That whole stereotype bothers me too, probably because like you i was the only one whose "game" was over. I often tease that it took getting divorced to get any time alone in my own house or time alone with friends. Now he "has to" take his children once in awhile. Along those lines the word babysit for fathers bothers me. Moms never "babysit" their own children lol
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Post by rocko on Aug 28, 2008 9:50:30 GMT -5
Let me know when and I will get you one with the girl and guy both frowning HAHA
My husband still does everything he did before I came along except date and sleep with other girls. I go with him sometimes and sometimes I dont'. I think it is important for us to have activities outside of our relationship and things we do together. I think if all the couple has is each other then you are more likely to take work stress and things out on each other.
It is working out very well so far...1.4 years married. Three years together.
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Post by Kim Possible on Aug 29, 2008 13:31:49 GMT -5
Is this a second marriage for both of you? Do you think that has any bearing on it?
As blu mentioned, I think we've all learned our lessons as to how to be "happily unmarried"
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Sept 5, 2008 17:28:47 GMT -5
Sorry i read this post a bit late. I was caught up in my own mountain of pooh for a while. I would like to make a comment on the "Game over" saga and the streo type and image that is portayed by this and many other sayings as well. Although it did not bother me before , it now offends me a ittle as a man specifically for the fact that the subtle images and sayings form a picture in the minds of society and men dont realise that these form the perception that men are uncaring dimwits.These perceptions end up slapping men in the face when the perception of men contribute to them finding it difficult to gain access to there kids in divorce courts and such specifically because the perception of a man is that of an unwilling participant in marriage and family life.
Although they are light hearted images and comedic oneliners , it is in fact these generalistic views that form complete images in the minds of our society. Some men out there look at these images and listen to the oneliners and then try and portray this image in the belief that it makes them look macho in front of there buddies and it is these men that cement the belief in society that all men are this way. I for one have been accused by my ex of abuse yet i never touched her and in fact it was the other way around ,yet because of these generalisations about men i have been judged by society because i am supposed to be the aggressor because i am a man. The laws are none the better and have also fallen prey to these generalisations specifically because of the subtle messages that are given out in the media one such saying " Why do men abuse woman" . Yet abuse in relationships are not a gender issue at all but a personality issue. It should read "why do some personality types abuse there partners in relationships" Sorry for being so serious in this reply but i personally have been feeling the brunt of subtle light hearted references made about men in society.
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Post by gdgross on Sept 5, 2008 17:41:57 GMT -5
Funny that you mention that, daryl.
Almost everyone who knew my actual situation placed a lot more blame on the ex than they did on me. Yet, I sensed and heard second hand from a few people who didn't know the situation that I was the bad guy, because I'm the male.
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Sept 8, 2008 5:18:13 GMT -5
Funny that you mention that, daryl. Almost everyone who knew my actual situation placed a lot more blame on the ex than they did on me. Yet, I sensed and heard second hand from a few people who didn't know the situation that I was the bad guy, because I'm the male. Yes this is exactly my point .Every person that knows me and my situation is supportive toward me and yet people that never knew me or my ex for that matter have rallied around her to support her because she is suposedly a victim of abuse. My ex grabbed on to the opportunity of these sympathisers and decided to seek counselling as was told to her by her supporters which should be the case if you really was abused. She has now fed these so called professionals from some womans movement a big lump of rubbish and they are using her as a case study. When my ex told me this ,i did not know if i should laugh or cry because if this is going to be a statistic , then how much of the statistics that these organisation put out are really true. I know that my ex is lying and so does she. She is playing this vindictive game with me and rubbing it in my face by telling me what she is doing and we both know it is bullshit. These organisations have never even attempted to contact me to confirm anything that she is saying and it seems that it is a case of " hey there is another poor asshole that can be our next casualty toward the fight against men" Yet they will never assume that just maybe my ex is the narsiscist that is playing them like fools. This has made me lose faith on any staistic out there given by such movements and organisations because it is just assumed that we as men are the problem all the time.I know that there are many men out there that deserve to be carstrated for there actions but so to are there as many woman out there that deserve a similar fate. It hurts me alot to know that as a victim of abuses at the hands of my ex,i am the one looked at as the perpetrator and not her. All because she needed to leave the relationship without people thinking it was her fault and to hide an agenda of just wanting a child and then be single.
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