I've never regretted it

[redskyatnight]

Dear B -

Its been almost 5 years to the day that I walked in on you and my ex. I was really pissed at you for a couple years, feeling betrayed and duped, but now, I see the huge favor you did. That might sound sarcastic, but I don't mean it that way.

Walking in on him and you and the subsequent conversations that followed, opened my eyes to who he really was. I could see him in full sunlight. I don't know how long it would have taken me to see him if you hadn't exposed it.

I have never regretted leaving him, not for one second. When people want to tell me things he has done, I try to deflect the conversation, but stories still make their way to me,

like leaving his gf and her kids to walk home at night through the city, or throwing a fit because dinner wasn't cooked fast enough, or pouting because the groceries weren't what he wanted. I see him in a spot light now and feel so thankful that I got out when I did.

You were the catalyst for it all. I still don't like you, but I appreciate you exposing him.

[shattered]

Excellent.

And can we say --- your ex is a GIRLYMAN!!!!

[redskyatnight]

So another co-parenting session down. I felt attacked, but the counselor said I was over reacting. OK. You were complaining that I don't coach the kids enough in soccer. OK. I think they get enough coaching at practice and their athletic career is not my one of my top priorities like it is for you.

I left feeling shaky, but feel better now. You still scare me, and perhaps I do over react whenever I hear criticism. So, I need to validate that what you said is important to you, even though it may not be important to me. Trouble is, I feel like if I try to work with you, you will take advantage of that and just keep asking for more and more.

So what do I do? Face the fear when you talk to me. Wait 5 seconds before answering any question. Picture you as someone else and consider if the request is unreasonable or reasonable.

I guess that’s a start.

[JimB]

Oct 9, 2008 12:31:04 GMT -5 redskyatnight said:

Trouble is, I feel like if I try to work with you, you will take advantage of that and just keep asking for more and more.

Isn't this what co-parenting sessions are for - to give you an environment where you can give him as much rope as you would anyone else, and trust that the mediator will reel him in if he tries to take unfair advantage? Maybe I'm not clear on the concept.

[gdgross]

Oct 9, 2008 12:31:04 GMT -5 redskyatnight said:

Trouble is, I feel like if I try to work with you, you will take advantage of that and just keep asking for more and more.

IMO.

Doing right is it's own end, regardless of what others do with it or don't do with it.

[redskyatnight]

Excellent points

And yes, JimB - that is what coparenting is about. I need to remember that and trust her.

And yes, gdgross - I should do the right thing for its own sake. I need to remember that too.

[kittenhart]

Oct 9, 2008 12:31:04 GMT -5 redskyatnight said:

Picture you as someone else and consider if the request is unreasonable or reasonable.

This is a good strategy that I find does work, at least for me.

I would be defensive if my soccer coaching was being held up and criticized too though...is that really a complaint worth making about you?

[redskyatnight]

It went from my coaching style to my inability and unwillingness to push the kids athletically. I was pushed to athletically as a kid and only heard complaint after complaint when I stepped off the field, despite getting an athletic scholarship to college, I still couldn't do anything right on the field. I was so relieved when I walked off the field my senior year for the last time because the pressure and criticism would stop.

I don't want to put my kids through that same bs, so my style is to encourage and compliment and suggest. I don't push. One kid is very competitive and plays soccer with the neighborhood boys. The other one would rather climb trees. I'm not going to tell her she has to get down and play soccer. She should be allowed to be a kid and pursue her own passion.

Plus, its not like they sit around and watch TV all day, the kids get plenty of exercise.

[redskyatnight]

I just don't get it. We agree in coparenting counseling to go to parent teacher conferences together for the first time since we split 3 1/2 years ago and you cancel the appointment and schedule one of your own without telling me? Did you think I wouldn't find out?

Then when I ask about it, you get defensive, saying you didn't know the first appointment would be cancelled. You are not stupid. When the teacher said she will only give one conference per child, you rescheduled. What made you think she would give two?

You told her, "other teachers will give two." and she responds that she will not. Why get pissed with her?

You say you scheduled a second conference because you want to have a private conference with the teacher. What do you need to ask about our child that needs to be private? None of your story makes any sense.

You said you didn't know she would cancel my appointment, but then you found out a few hours before I did. WTF - a few hours. I can't help but think that's just a bad lie. I think you knew when you rescheduled.

Honestly, I don't get it. After all this time, you still can't go to a parent teacher conference with me. Are you hiding something? Does my presence bother you that much? Why do you think a teacher should have to give the same conference twice. They double their work becuase you are........I don't know, childish, selfish, angry...........This is for our child and I can't help but think you are still so selfish.

But you know what. I'll be there this morning. You can come in the classroom or not, but I'll be there.

[redskyatnight]

Five years ago, my life stopped for a moment when I woke up at midnight and went looking for you. Finding you with the “family friend” put me into a state of shock that lasted a year and a half. I looked with envy at cemeteries, not because I wanted to be dead, but because those people never had to feel pain again. Little did I know that October 24 was my birth. I've done an enormous amount of soul searching. Along the way, I've made mistakes, I've acted out and I've learned and I've grown.

I'm finding that person I was before I met you, the one who wasn't afraid to talk to people, the one who didn't walk on eggshells, the one who wasn't always waiting for the ax to fall. I smile at strangers and say "Good Morning." I hold the door open for people, make eye contact and smile. Heck, I even let people cut me off in traffic without a second thought or getting angry with them. Call me a heathen, but I think fun for the sake of fun is good. I bought my very own house and am surviving nicely without one stinking penny from you. I’m living my life again instead of cowering it away.

Thank God for October 24, 2003. It saved my life.

[kittenhart]

so nice to read this post, RedSky.

[redskyatnight]

Oct 27, 2008 21:30:53 GMT -5 kittenhart said:

so nice to read this post, RedSky.

Thanks - it feels good to be free.

[redskyatnight]

Co-parenting was good today. I felt so much calmer in bringing up topics that are potentially volatile simply by stating that this is an uncomfortable subject. You responded with some of your old tactics of deflecting your emotions and saying they were my emotions, but you were less angry and able to agree with the counselor that you are still upset about the divorce. You brought my furniture and I thanked you for that.

I let you talk on and on about my past and why you think I act the way I do. I didn’t feel the need to defend myself. Those are your beliefs and views. I differ with you, but why argue about it. It doesn’t matter to me and it doesn’t affect the kids. It did eat up much of the hour, but the counselors observations of you were interesting to hear. After saying you were as bitter and angry a person as she had ever seen, unwilling to compromise, she has seen progress. That’s excellent!

I don’t want to have a friendship with you, but whatever progress we can make will benefit the kids multiple times over and that is what the counseling is all about.

[redskyatnight]

You asked if the kids could go camping this weekend with the girl scout troop that your gf leads. You wanted me to pack all the camping supplies. Sorry - but you plan an activity, you take the responsibility for making sure it works out. If I forgot one thing, a flashlight or a pair of underwear, I would be the bad guy.

When I told you they could bring their sleeping bags, but nothing else, the silence on the other end of the phone was long. Funny, the silence doesn't bother me anymore. The silence doesn't intimidate me into doing what you want.

I'm emotionally better. Wow!

Then you tell me that there is another project due on Monday, but you don't know what it is and proceed to put down the teacher for 5 minutes. Whatever! The solution, I found, was to ask M what the project was. She knows exactly what she is suppose to do, no biggie, read something and write 4 to 5 paragraphs about it. That's not a project, that's a homework assignment.

[sheyd]

Good for you standing up for yourself! I think maybe when he starts doing the parenting on his own, he will see what it really means and maybe start stepping up to the plate! And hey - great for not giving in to the silence! That is the silence of SHOCK. You said NO?? He isn't used to that - but it sounds like he will learn soon enough that he can't get you to be his doormat anymore! That is so great!!!