I feel like I'm falling apart all over again

[jules]

I honestly thought I was doing really well. But in the last couple of weeks, the pressures of life -- work, family, house stuff, navigating dating and contemplating possibilities of potential relationships, ongoing legal stuff -- all of it have gotten to me. And I feel like everything I thought I built is nothing more than a deck of cards. Tonight I cannot sleep and cannot stop shaking. I feel like a failure -- mostly like I failed myself, despite being so careful to be rational and keep things in perspective. I've been trying really, really hard at that. It's to the point where I don't even know what is irrational vs. normal or rational vs. unrealistic (for a human being). I feel like I ought to have my life together already. I ought to have moved on a while ago. It is irrational for me to be annoyed that my lawyer made a point to mention what a nice guy my ex was to her. It is irrational that I was highly irritated by the happy family with a baby sitting next to me on the train. It is irrational that downright nasty and unprofessional behavior, even if it is from the big boss, makes me feel like a worthless excuse for a human being. I know how I am "supposed" to react. I feel like I've been playing the role of how I'm "supposed" to be for a while now -- successfully -- to the point where I almost believed it myself.

Tonight I think I'm falling apart. I vacillate between being a bundle of uncontrollable nerves and a very dark place that I don't even like to think about (not like I can think about any one thing for very long anyway.) A dear friend was kind enough to talk it out with me and assure me that it was ok that I feel this way and that it's normal given all the stresses I've had in the last year, but I still feel like I have failed.

I feel horrible for being so selfish to think this, but I just want one good thing to happen in my life soon. It doesn't need to be big. Just something other than something that threatens to tear me apart every time I turn around would be good. Something real. Not pretty words. Not a temporary or shallow lift. Just some small goodness.

I know, I need to create that myself. See, I know all the things I'm supposed to do. I just can't seem to get it right in any area of my life, no matter how hard I try. I am incredibly disappointed in myself, especially because I know I have no one to blame but myself. Which leads to more disappointment. And more blame.

Will I ever find good, be good, do good?

[freckles]

I feel that You are a Good Person

You are a Miracle of Gods Creation

A Woman

I am wishful that I will ever have someone like you in my life.

I can only have Faith

[midge]

what you've gone through is a traumatic life event- and the recovery process is a roller coaster. it doesn't help when a lot of stressful issues culminate. you are not a failure.

i feel like you have just said you feel. the difference is, in my waking moments i cannot even express it, when i try i feel like i am in the sort of dream where when you speak, nothing comes out. it is 4 in the morning and i am wide awake. my feelings of failure and inadequacy are also conspiring against me and interfering with my ability to function. i want to cry because i need to get ready for work shortly, and i am exhausted and cannot sleep.

you are not selfish to want something good to happen in your life. why would you even think such a thing? we all deserve goodness in our lives, otherwise, how would life be tolerable?

so much is said about creating your own happiness and you cannot be in a whole relationship without being a whole person first- but sometimes the closeness of another person completes our happiness or our feeling of purpose. you are being very hard on yourself- it is ok to feel what you are feeling and you are not a failure for having those feelings.

i am also irrationally upset by happy families and i hate myself for it. what i really dislike is that i look at them and think that they probably are not really happy or one of them doesn't want to be there. i hate myself for being so jaded when i look at them thinking that it will be so sad when they get divorced. i'm jealous of their perfect family unit and incredulous of their happiness or sustainability.

this is so disjointed and makes little sense. i just wanted you to know that i feel exactly as you do at this exact time.

[JimB]

I agree with midge - you are being very hard on yourself. Life isn't always about always striving to do or be the right thing - it's often about just living and allowing things to happen the way they're going to.

My gf has some challenges that sound similar to yours - her persona is based on inner strength, but she's painted herself into a bit of a corner in that she doesn't feel she has anywhere to turn when she feels not so strong. That is when it's helpful to have another person you can turn to. And it doesn't have to be a romantic partner - sometimes it's better when it's not. A therapist, a clergyman, a trusted friend or family member - we all just need someone with whom it's ok to be weak.

Obviously I'm only speaking as a faceless dude on a message board, but I believe you're at the very least ok, and most likely significantly better than that. If that helps.

[shattered]

Jules,

I relate to so much of what you said.

Except the part about feeling selfish for wanting something good to happen to you! No, no, no!! Banish that thought. Read what Midge said about this; she expressed it perfectly.

Besides, define irrational in daily life. I think it is *perfectly rational* to feel annoyed that *your* lawyer, who knows so much of your history, makes a point to tell you how nice your ex was to her! I mean, WTF??

As for feeling bitter, envious, annoyed, whatever at happy couples and families -- maybe that's just, well, normal.

If we were perfect saints, we would only feel joy in our hearts when we see these people. Since we are normal, fallen, human beings, it's normal that we'll feel envious, sad, jaded. But at other times we might feel hopeful, when we see happy couples, no?

My larger point is that I really think you are spending too much time focusing on what you think you should or should not be feeling. I don't think that is fair to yourself, and I think it's unrealistic.

To echo Midge and Jim: You are being too hard on yourself, honey!!

I am sorry you feel this bad. I know what an utter letdown it is to feel this way, especially when you thought you were doing so well.

Well, I think most of the time you were doing well. And you will be doing well again. And you'll probably feel bad, again, too.

Alas, it's damn hard to get off the roller coaster for good.

Hugs to you, Jules.

Shattered

[jules]

Sincerely, thank you so much for your supportive replies. I am so used to being fairly in control, so when I lose it, it scares the bejeezus out of me.

Midge, your disjointed reply made perfect sense to me.

I realize I have very high expectations of myself. I also know exactly why that is -- throughout my life, I have had the role, initially created by others, and then taken on by myself. And that has only been emphasized after the divorce which I saw as such a complete and utter personal failure that I need to somehow compensate for it. I don't know how to overcome that. I desperately do not want a life of mediocracy. I feel compelled to find a purpose for everything. It just gets hard sometimes...