Almost a week and counting

[comeawayfromit]

Well it's been almost a week since no contact with him. Since I emailed him last week and told him never to contact me again, there hasn't been any contact. Of course he's giving me what I asked for but it's driving me nuts. The hardest thing here is seeing that he's not the person I thought he was. I always stuck up for him, thought he was a good person, believed in whatever he was doing. And now, I'm seeing this cold-hearted bastard who is choosing a girl he met only a few months ago over me who he's known 10 years. Why oh why does this happen? He allowed her to put this crap on her website and I'm sure it's still there. (have taken hugthat advice and not checked any sites). He always told me that he hated when chicks fight over guys but he is not doing anything when she's calling me out on her website! How childish! I just get so angry when I think of it and then it recedes into sadness. Of course the red fades before the blue. I honestly think I'll never hear from him again. Of course I want him to try to contact me just once so I can tell him to take a long walk off a short pier. yes I still care about doing that cuz he's hurt me so much and why should he win? I hate the idea of him getting off scot free! I'm taking it day by day. I'm scared about the holidays. But it's been almost a week with no contact and that's a big deal for me. I'm trying to have willpower. Cuz since we broke up 5 months ago, we haven't gone longer than a week without contact. This will be a new record. I'm proud of myself for it. I guess it sounds pathetic but it's a big deal for me....

[jules]

You are doing very well! No contact, no checking websites -- congrats! Be very proud of yourself. It is extremely hard... but in the long run you will recover so much better than if you torture yourself regularly, plus you can feel good about retaining your dignity thoughout it all.

[hoodieprincess]

It doesn't sound pathetic at all...I can't even being to tell you how many of us have been there. And, it takes making milestones out of the little things sometimes to make yourself keep reaching them.

Really, her putting things on her website are pretty childish, yes. But, you have to remember, you are venting here as well. We all have our places. Some people are just less discrete than others. And, well, how and where someone does it is a testimony to their maturity. Just remember, the only person whose actions you control are your own. If she wants to be childish, let her. If he wants to be childish with her, there isn't really anything you can do. Right now, it's in your control to be the better person and you seem to be pulling it off quite well.

Continue coming here, vent away. You're doing great with the no contact thing (I know first hand how difficult that can be). And, YAY!! Here's to setting a record!

[comeawayfromit]

Thanks all. I'm trying not to think about him/them too much. It's difficult at times because he lives about 5 minutes from me and I am always obsessing about whether or not she's in town and using MY key to get into MY old apartment. But whatever, a couple more days and I'll have that week under my belt. I guess it can only get easier from here!

[redskyatnight]

You are doing very well and should be proud. It sounds like you need some distraction.

Are there friends you can go out with, or a book to read. Find something you love to do and do it. It will help the time pass more quickly.

[sheyd]

That is a great idea - and can you make some plans for out in the future that you can work on, so you have something to look forward to? Including over the holidays- my sister got tickets a comedian for her kids on New Year's eve! Maybe you can make fun plans like that? Just hunting for all the fun things you can do might be a good distraction?

You should be VERY proud of yourself! Every day you keep the no-contact is another victory!

[comeawayfromit]

Yeah I have lots of friends and family I can go out with. My friends are constantly asking me to go out and do stuff and I am trying to arrange a mini-vacation over Thanksgiving weekend. It's been tough cuz I am working full time and going to school for a Master's full time so I get pretty tired during the week. Yeah when I'm at home, I'm ok because I recently bought the entire series of I Love Lucy (I know I know but I'm 27 yrs old and I can still relate to their problems so that keeps me busy when I'm home. Plus I read pretty avidly. Strangely enough, I start to freak out when I'm at work a lot. Maybe it's cuz my job is boring, but there's something in that wants to email him when I'm here. When we were dating, we used to email at each other all day at work. But I've deleted his work address from my address book (of course I know it but it's more difficult to type it in than just use a quick key) so that helps. Now I'm toggling between looking at it as whatever will be will be and looking at it as something to be sad about. I have to say, I'm so so glad I found all of you guys. It's really helping and I really take every piece of advice I read on here to heart. Just wanted to say thanks

[freckles]

You can make it

You are a Strong Person

[comeawayfromit]

I'm trying to believe that Freckles. It's just sometimes I get an ache inside my chest that won't go away. I know he's not the same person he was when we were together. He's done things that I would never imagine he could do. I keep telling myself he's not the same guy. But I always daydream about the guy he was before. But I'm limiting the amount of dreaming I'm doing now. Hopefully it'll stop for good.

[yellowjacket]

I know how you feel, CA. I'm not the one that imposed no-contact but I understand what you're feeling about wanting to check web sites and send e-mails. Mine didn't treat me as badly as yours and perhaps that makes it even tougher. My story is on YJ From OJar if you're curious.

I hope for you that it does continue to get easier as time goes by. In my case I found I had an initial resolve in the beginning to give it everything I had. That faded over time and it's gotten harder instead of easier. It's been three weeks now. I hope that doesn't happen to you. But then in my case there is a need to understand something and it doesn't sound like you are struggling with that. Plus in your case it sounds like he's become so unattractive to you that you couldn't see going back to him. That's should really help your healing.

Keep up your strength and resolve! Be patient and don't expect things to be easy for quite some time.

I liked your line about the red fading before the blue. It's a shame. The anger helps.

[gdgross]

Nov 18, 2008 15:25:31 GMT -5 comeawayfromit said:

I keep telling myself he's not the same guy.

Keep reminding yourself of that. It helped me to remember that the woman I was still in love with no longer existed.

There is a reason that they say you don't divorce the person you marry.

[comeawayfromit]

Yellowjacket it sounds like we're in the same boat. I can't say that if he called right now and wanted to try again, I wouldn't. I keep thinking of all the good times. Today was particularly difficult cuz I had a lot of family drama. Whenever I would have family problems, I'd go to him and he'd make me feel better. He knows how they are. Just got back from a long cry and drive. Had to listen to sad music and get it out. I wanted to pass by his place, but restrained myself. I really do miss him a lot but it's telling myself that he wouldn't even answer if I called or probably wouldn't open the door is what stops me from contacting him. I'm trying to be strong here but I can't shake the feeling he is going on unaffected by this and I'm here sad and alone. I feel like I haven't made an impression on him. How is that possible after 8 years and 10 years of knowing each other? But apparently it is. At first I kept telling myself he was going thru a crisis caused by all the problems in his life but now he's with her and probably has no use for me anyway. I keep daydreaming that one day he'll come back hat in hand and realize all he did to me. I do have unanswered questions. The breakup was out of the blue but he has no answer for me. Everytime we talk he keeps reminding me of the last few months of our relationship and how bad things got. But it's hard for me to accept that a bad few months ruined an 8 yr thing. I'm really trying to be strong here. But today was a particularly difficult day. i hope tomorrow will be better.

[yellowjacket]

I'm sure you've made an impression on him but his desire for love/companionship is being met elsewhere. If it were just a matter of you or nobody it might be different.

I think the daydreaming of him coming back is really going to hamper your recovery. I do it too so I completely understand how you feel. I think it keeps us looking to the past and unable to accept the end of our relationships and move on from that. It's just going to stretch everything out and make us accept much later what we should be accepting now. If he doesn't come back after a month will you be hoping it happens after two? What about after four? I don't think we fully recover until we embrace the fact that it's over for good.

You mentioned he reminds you of how bad it was but it's hard for you to accept that a bad few months ruined an eight year thing. Remember that you're considering your perspective. From his perspective it may or may not have ruined the eight years but it does mean the future with you would not be good. Since he has ended it and won't take you back, his perspective is the only one that matters. Maybe if you concentrate on that you will be better able to accept it as over and start healing.

I keep wanting time to heal me but I guess it isn't going to. I really have to do the work. That means no daydreaming of the future, no thinking of the past, etc. We both have to remind ourselves constantly until we fully accept that this person is no longer a part of our life.

Good luck today. You don't have to heal completely today, you just have to take the right steps to get you there eventually.

[rocko]

I wrote a little journal of all the bad feelings and pain and bad things from the entire relationship.

When I would miss him I would re-read it to help me feel the anger instead of despair. It helped me through the worst part. Then I had to let go of the anger to heal the rest of the way.

[redskyatnight]

Nov 18, 2008 15:25:31 GMT -5 comeawayfromit said:

I know he's not the same person he was when we were together. He's done things that I would never imagine he could do. I keep telling myself he's not the same guy.

He is not the same person and maybe he was never the person you thought he was. I never believed my ex would cheat, but he did. The person I knew would not have cheated. He also would not have done a host of things since I found out about the affair.

He was not the person I thought I married, but maybe I never knew the person I married.

Your ex is NOT the person you thought he was - fact.

Stay strong and keep posting here if it helps. You will get through this.