comeawayfromit
New Member
I think there are pieces of me you've never seen
Posts: 31
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Post by comeawayfromit on Nov 21, 2008 11:26:21 GMT -5
Whenever I break down and contact my ex, I call it "falling off the wagon." Just a little explanation. I never get what I want when I do it and make myself feel worse but it's like being an alcholic or drug addict. Well I sent him an email yesterday morning to an old email account which he rarely checks. I did it purposely so that he wouldn't get the email for awhile but lo and behold he chose yesterday to check it. Yeah he checked it alright and didn't respond. In the email, I told him why I was upset with him and how I thought that he really treated me badly by using me, etc. Not screaming but just explaining myself. I hate it cuz he checks the emails but never responds. Drives me nuts. So then last night I went out with friends for drinks and I texted him when I got home asking him why he hates me so much and what I ever did to him. He responded by turning off his cell. I know this cuz I called to see if he had and he had. So after crying for about an hour, I texted him and told him that I was done being selfish about this and that I'd respect what are so clearly his wishes. Someone on this board said that I have to look at things from his perspective. I did that for the first time last night. I realized that he is trying to have a new relationship and I keep bothering the two of them. I would look at it as he is thinking I'm pathetic and annoyed with me since we've been broken up 5 months but we literally slept together 2 weekends ago and were all lovey dovey that night. He never should have done that and neither should I but it happened. How do I reconcile that night with his current treatment? I feel really used and I don't understand where he's coming from at all. All I know is I feel hurt and with nowhere to turn. I always make deals with myself that if I call him and catch him at a right moment, he'll be alone and answer and want to talk to me. But that doesn't happen. I felt like I was dying last night. I still feel a little messed up today. I expect these things to happen but I still do them. I've been doing them and apparently am not getting any better. I'm really at a loss here.
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Post by hoodieprincess on Nov 21, 2008 11:57:40 GMT -5
Last night was apparently the night... Sorry hun.
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Post by redskyatnight on Nov 21, 2008 12:54:52 GMT -5
Sometimes you have to die before you can be reborn. Don't beat yourself up for contacting him. Next time you want to, however, think about how it makes you feel when you leave yourself wide open like that - expecting a response, yet getting nothing.
Get back on the wagon.
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Post by rocko on Nov 21, 2008 13:08:23 GMT -5
I bet that very few if anyone here at all could say they didn't "fall off that wagon" at least once. Upside...1. you can now see how it wasn't a good choice. 2. a little closure came with his totally rejection.
Everyone here has been through all this pain. All of us experience it differently and at a different rate, but the stages are the same. We call it the rollercoaster instead of the wagon. The rollercoaster represents the ups and downs. Tomorrow you may feel way better and the next day you are yanked back into the pain. One day you will get off that damn coaster...until then we are all here to support you. Actually many of us have been off that coaster and then got back on and back off again...we are still though to support each other through everything.
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comeawayfromit
New Member
I think there are pieces of me you've never seen
Posts: 31
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Post by comeawayfromit on Nov 21, 2008 13:22:01 GMT -5
Thank you all for this endless support. I made a vow last night when I was at my worst. I made a vow to myself and to God that I would try to keep my word that I wouldn't contact him anymore. I have to spin it a little and maybe it's unhealthy but this is the way I'm looking at it: during our relationship, I was pretty selfish. I woulld do things to please myself first and not think of him. Not getting down on myself but it's true. In fact, I've always done that in life. Oh sure I'll do things for others but when it comes to my own comfort, forget about it. Well since I'm still in love with this guy and have deep care for him, I'm going to for the first time heed his wishes. I'm going to follow what he asks me to do (no contact) and not stress him further. I've realized that just doing it for myself isn't working. Just doing it cuz I keep getting hurt isn't working. Maybe there are self-worth issues but that's what I have you guys and my friends for. I'm used to relationships being a struggle. I've had two in my life. One for 6 yrs and one for 8 (this one). Both have been passionate and exciting and difficult. I thrive on that drama so I'm used to getting knocked down and having to get up again. In this case, for me to try to do something solely for me without any goal in mind isn't working. I wind up sacrificing myself again. So now, I've made a promise that I will now respect what Pat wants and leave him be. Clearly he's happy. I'm glad if he is. He has depression/anxiety issues and he has literally had anxiety attacks on the phone with me before. In order to get myself thru the next few weeks/months, I'm going to do this for him. I'm not GLAD if he's happy with her, but it will make it easier for me to know that I am doing something finally for him. I don't want him to be miserable. I still care for him deeply. I know it sounds crazy but I think it'll get me thru this if I remind myself of this vow I've made to no longer be selfish. ALright everyone let me have it about how disfunctional this is, etc. I know but it's helping me.
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Post by rocko on Nov 21, 2008 13:54:09 GMT -5
If that is what you need to do to get through this...then do it.
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Post by JimB on Nov 21, 2008 14:59:18 GMT -5
Exactly. There's not really any good or bad - there's just "whatever it takes".
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comeawayfromit
New Member
I think there are pieces of me you've never seen
Posts: 31
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Post by comeawayfromit on Nov 21, 2008 16:45:20 GMT -5
THANK YOU GUYS. I'm glad I didn't get raked over the coals for that one but that's what is helping me today and I'm taking it day by day.
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Post by amola on Nov 21, 2008 17:11:15 GMT -5
i totally agree.........you gotta' do what you gotta' do to survive at this point. after time, it gets easier.
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Post by kittenhart on Nov 21, 2008 22:15:04 GMT -5
comeawayfromit,
I don't know your whole story as I don't come to HugThat as often as I used to (thankfully starting to finally heal and not need to vent...yes it does happen) but I wanted to echo the other posters and say that right now just focus on doing whatever you can to get through the day. Don't beat yourself up for stuff. Crap happens.
And sleeping with the ex is definately what has set you off. I made that mistake very early in the separation (it was maybe week 1) and felt just awful about the whole thing, felt really angry and used, and super effed-up about it .....I can imagine that (after 5 months) sleeping with him has really set you back in your healing and moving on but...have faith in knowing that you will heal & move on from this. You will. Even if it feels super shitty right now. Try to come here and vent, instead of firing off emails to him...that way you will get it out of your system but not look "pathetic" to him. We have all been there. And whatever you do, do NOT put yourself in a situation where you might be tempted to sleep with him again....it will not help anything. (by the way, sorry to meet you under such crappy circumstances)
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Post by newchapter on Nov 22, 2008 21:37:40 GMT -5
I have done the same thing. My emotions overrule my intellect. I know better. I know that after I call him, and he doesn't answer, or he answers but acts indifferent, that I'll end up with my self esteem shattered. But sometimes I still do it. It's been three weeks since my last contact. And the other woman that he's with, that's also a huge ego blow. It makes me crazy, it makes me sick.
I also made the mistake of sleeping with him several times. I guess I thought I could win him back that way. Didn't work. When I am thinking rationally, I realize how destructive it is...pursuing him, basing my self esteem on whether he rejects me or not. And to think back to before we broke up, I could influence anything he did. Now, nothing I do makes any difference. It's the lack of power, the lack of self control, wanting what you can't have, the constant longing and craving for what used to be. It's all so frustrating, demeaning, awful, yukk!! It's so hard to let go.
I also relate to what you said about being selfish in the relationship. That was me too. I am filled with guilt thinking everything was my fault. All the mean things I said when I was angry or didn't get my way. But they say guilt is part of the process. Even if we really were at fault, we can learn from it in our next relationship. That's what they say. How little comfort in those words!
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comeawayfromit
New Member
I think there are pieces of me you've never seen
Posts: 31
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Post by comeawayfromit on Nov 23, 2008 22:10:45 GMT -5
Well I fell off the wagon and again and again. I called him over the weekend and of course he didn't answer. Then sent him a text and mentioned how disrespectful he's being by not responding and he wrote back and said "and you're fucking fine." He said that cuz the reason i had called earlier is because I needed help with something and I left the message saying I was in a jam. So after all, he's still being so mean to me. I feel like I want answers but recently I kind've deduced that he's living with the girl he apparently left me for. When we broke up, he didn't tell me there was someone else he "had feelings for" until about 4 hrs into the conversation. he told me she lived out of town and would never date her. Now, it seems that she's been staying with him for at least a week if not more. She works for Six Flags on weekends and she didn't go home this weekend. So now I'm destroyed all over again realizing that he slept with me two weeks ago and is now apparently living with her. Just an FYI to all, when him and I broke up, we continued seeing each other/sleeping together for about 2 months after. We have continued to have contact with each other since but now he's with her. When he's with her, he won't answer calls, texts etc. She's written something on her website (like I said I really fell off the wagon) about learning to trust again or something so he probably told her he cheated on her. How did she respond? By moving in! I'm really fucked up today, I'm sorry to say. Everything is making me cry. Not only that but today is one of those days I get visions of him with her and it's making me physically ill. So this man who told me he "didn't wanna be tied down" or "have to answer to anyone" is now living with someone else in MY old apartment. What can I do? Nothing. In some ways I guess it helps me not to contact him since apparently she's so attached to him that even if I write him an email, he won't respond. He's hurt me so much. I just want closure. There's no comfort now but from this board, I can see it's happened to a lot of you. Your ex immediately moved on. How do they do it? Maybe they were over us before they left us. It's making me think that maybe Pat was dating her prior to our breakup. I don't see how since we lived together and spent every waking moment together but the last month of our relationship he was gone a lot. Where there's a will there's a way. I'm so tired of being alone and feeling sad. I hate him for what he's done to me. He's really treated me poorly. I'm glad I have this support from you.
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Post by freckles on Nov 23, 2008 22:27:38 GMT -5
You can make it
There is no Closure
I looked for it
It will take Time
You will start to learn that it is not your fault
He is broken and did not want to be fixed
If someone that is broken does not want to be fixed, then they will break you
You are deserving of being in a relationship with someone who is honest and truthful to you
A Cheater is a Worthless Person
Thats just the way it is
They have no Honor
You deserve more than that
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Post by redskyatnight on Nov 24, 2008 11:53:03 GMT -5
Not only that but today is one of those days I get visions of him with her and it's making me physically ill. I remember the images that used to haunt me. Someone over at Ojar suggested mentally thinking of a Stop Sign every time my mind would wander. I even went so far as to hang one up on my computer screen at work. The stop sign worked as a visual reminder to force myself to think about something else. I had a list of "other things to think about" already prepared. It was hard work to stop those thoughts, but the stop sign helped. After a while, I could imagine the sign in my head and now, I can't even remember what those very troublesome thoughts were.
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