I have no idea what's going on

[doseyclwn]

Okay, time for me to be overly dramatic. I have no idea what's going on. There's not problem in my relationship that I'm aware of, I just feel...like I'm falling apart. I've gained back all the weight I lost after my divorce. I feel like I"m going fucking nowhere, and I hate everything except my kids, my gf, and some of my friends and family. I feel kinda like this....

[glow=red,2,300]"Every Day Is Exactly The Same" by NIN

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around

Oh, no

Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end



I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might find
Well I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do[/glow]


I'm really not trying to be all dramatic. I just feel fucking bad and I don't know where else to go. That's it.

[JimB]

There's a great word for this kind of feeling, which I deal with from time to time. The word is "malaise". Something hard to pin down, but distinctly unpleasant and even poisonous. In some folks, it's diagnosed as clinical depression, and sometimes treatment for depression can improve the effects of a malaise, but it's not necessarily that simple.

Usually I start by assuming my feelings are just feelings and nothing more, and therefore just need to be dissipated. In my case, I have a lot of outlets: exercise, music, work (yes, work can be an outlet). Venting on friends is a good outlet, if they're the right kind of friends.

If you can't just work through the feeling, it probably means there's a root cause for the feeling. At that point, it might be a good idea to take steps to determine the causes. IMO, that usually involves a deep conversation with either someone you trust or someone with a professional interest in your well-being (like a therapist).

I personally struggle more in the winter time too. Not sure if that's an issue for you.

[rocko]

I get a similar feeling, but I am not sure if the degree of mine is as severe. I just consider myself depressed and work on snapping myself out of it. I have actually been feeling this way for a few weeks now. I think that winter, being sick and overall blahness has been wearing down on me. I start trying to pick everyone else apart to find a cause, but deep down I know it is just me.

I will snap out of it soon hopefully. My husband and I have a nice little night out planned....maybe that will bring me back up to feeling good again.

I hope you are able to work through this soon. If you need to vent privately...just PM.

[redskyatnight]

I don't want to discount anything Jim or Rocko said in their excellent posts. I only want to add that maybe you are stuck in a rut. Christmas time is hard too. This time of year, I give myself permission to sit in a bath tub and read magazines. I also try to plan one thing each week that is different. I don't have to enjoy it, but it gets me out of the house. This weekend, I'm plugging in addresses into a GPS and doing the tacky light tour.

Exercise is also good for mild depression. It won't make you elated, but it will make that feeling of sinking into the ground a little lighter.

[jules]

I can't top the advice given, but just wanted to say I can relate. It sucks to get like that. I've found it helps to try to focus on the few things that DO lighten my mood a bit, and spend more time/energy on those things. I've also found that if I force myself to be social and "fake it" I do end up feeling better. But that's me -- i'm an extrovert and tend to get my energy from the external world. Everyone is different.

[rocko]

On another board I am a member of I started a thread and on my worst days I post at least one good thing for everything BAD that I can think of. It helps me to think more positive.

[doseyclwn]

It's weird, a lot of the day I feel like I'm not really here. I just had to ask my ex-wife for money again, which makes me feel like a complete shitfuckinheel.

Malaise. I like that word (well, I dunno if "like" is the proper term for it, but you get the idea). I'm just fuckin' tired; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually (although strangely, not physically). I'm not suicidal, I'm just...fucking tired and feel like everything in the world is fake. Even my relationship. Don't get me wrong: I love her. I really do. But there are times when I miss being married, and most of the time my interactions with other human beings feel artificial. Does this make any sense?

[Mel (cherry)]

Hey B. Do I need to call you?

[doseyclwn]

I'm getting ready to nap a bit now. Call me tonight if you like. It's good to hear from you.