Why do I have to do this again?

[hoodieprincess]

So, I have been avoiding coming here for a while really...I have kind of been in a weird place and haven't known what to say. I feel like I'm in a spot where all I can do is whine about my own life and don't have anything positive to contribute to others. Yet, today I am here because I feel like if I don't get some of this off my chest, I can't focus on anything else I have to do...

So, as had been recently posted, my grandmother tried to commit suicide not quite a month ago. It was gut wrenching. She was in a mental health facility until Christmas Eve and has since been staying with my parents until they can find something else for her. They are working on placing her in an assisted living facility. It's just a long process is all. So, I've been making regular stops to visit with my grandma and try and take some of the burden for caring for her off my parent's. I even went over to "grandma-sit" for them a couple weeks ago so that they could go out for their anniversary. It's just been hard. I am trying not to resent her right now. I know that sounds selfish but I am still angry with her really. And, after her own mother had committed suicide 12 years before and knowing my own grandmother never forgave her for that, I couldn't believe she'd try and make that choice.

I don't know how many of you remember this coming up for me...It hasn't been quite two years ago that an ex-boyfriend of mine committed suicide. He actually disappeared and I was very involved in an extensive state-wide search for him. We had 2 websites created in hopes of finding him. I was actually in the middle of working with a local radio station to get information out as well. The day that I had coordinated for the radio station to talk to J's family, well, that happened to be the day a farmer located J's truck and his body on his property by his lake. J had been missing almost two weeks to the day. So, from the day we found him, it was another week until his funeral. Really, I was devastated. I was lost and hurt for a very long time in a very surreal state of grief. Still, not a day goes by that I don't think of J. I wrote a poem that was shared with his family and then the day of his funeral, they asked me if they could post it on the main page of the web site they were continuing to run for J. It had changed from one trying to locate him to instead be one of his memory and also raising suicide awareness and prevention. I was honored. So, my poem is on the main page of his site still. Plus, I wear a copy of it every day in the sleeve for my work badge. Honestly, it's been almost 2 years and my heart still hurts...I even still cry sometimes.

Again, another reason my grandma's own attempt stings so much.

Well, here I go again...Monday I found out that a good friend through work ended his life Wednesday night. Word didn't spread through town overly fast so it took until Monday to reach me. I am counting my lucky stars that I was already home with a sick kid. I don't know how I would have been had I been at work. He was so young and vibrant and amazing. Honestly, I am still in a daze over it and not sure how to react. I kind of floated through the last couple days. I still see his name in all my files at work. I don't know how to do this again. I mean, this isn't hitting me like when my ex-boyfriend made his choice. But, it's hard and it's scary. I got approved by my boss to take some time off tomorrow so I can go to his funeral. Part of me debated not going. I know if I don't, I'll even more regret missing his call a couple weeks ago. I won't have the chance to say my goodbye or even let it hit me that he's really gone if I pass on attending. Still, part of me just isn't sure how I am going through this again.

My heart is crying and yet I can't let it out yet...

[freckles]

I feel people who commit suicide are lazy and as Selfish as you can get

They have not learned that to feel good and be happy, that you Help/Love OTHER People instead of Themselves

That brings Joy

Selfcentered Selfish Self Pity Vain me me Me Me brings Depresion and Hopelessness and all that bad darkness

To bring Light/Good/Fun/Joy help OTHER People THEN They will feel Good and be Happy and Fun


Just my 2 Cents

Marginal Advice from Freckles

[AngelBaby]

A~

I wish I knew what to say to you. My heart hurts for you, and your losses. I had a dear friend commit suicide when we were in highschool, and I don't think that I've every really gotten over it. It's not something that is exactly easy to get over.

All I can do is pray that you find some peace. I think you should go to the services for your work friend. It will help give you some closer I believe. I wish I was there to be able to go with you so you didn't have to go alone.

Know that I'm thinking of you.

Love and hugs,

AB

[JimB]

Sorry you are dealing with this, hon. Couple of thoughts.

First, let it out if you need to. Even if it's quote-unquote "inappropriate" to express your feelings, no one else has had quite the same experience with this as you have. If you feel like you're bottling it up, don't.

Second, I won't tell you not to be angry with your grandmother, but I'd be willing to bet she needs you to be something other than angry with her. I don't know anything about your relationship with her, but perhaps this is an opportunity to open up some new lines of communication. Maybe it's a plea for attention or a cry for help. You are more qualified than most to help her find reasons to stick around. And you might learn the answers to your questions at the same time.

[redskyatnight]

Hoodie-


I can't relate completely to what you are going through, but maybe a little bit. My mom tried, unsuccessfully twice to end her life. The first time I was in high school, and I woke her up from an OD of Valium. I remember feeling numb and walked through the next few weeks on auto-pilot. Nobody understood. I just closed in on myself and eventually went on as if nothing happened.

You have a huge heart and empathize with everyone around you. You are grieving the loss of life too soon gone, and perhaps you are feeling the pain that lead them to their decision, thinking you could have helped or smacked them around a little to wake them up. Or maybe you think you could have been a better friend.

You'll have to find your comfort from within, whether it is belief that their pain has ended, or that they were needed elsewhere by a higher power.

Say good-bye, cry all you need to and remember what you can do in your life. Take care of your kids, love your parents, love your grandma - even if she makes you mad and go out with your friends. Live your life to the fullest. Don't let their pain become your pain and rob you of a fullfilling life.

I'll be thinking of you.

[kittenhart]

Hoodie,
I don't have anything really useful to add- I think people before me posted some helpful comments. I remember your story and just find it really sad that you are being hit from all sides with this right now....maybe that is sign though, trying to show you how to proceed with your grandma.

Funerals are terrible but noone seems to remember or judge you for what goes on at them so it's probably safe to go and just not worry about if you have a melt down or not.

Hugs,
K

[shattered]

Hoodie -- go to the funeral.

Also, while I absolutely understand a feeling of anger toward someone you love trying to end her life, it seems to me that what your grandmother needs -- and what will benefit you as well -- is showing her love and non-judgment.

I mean, the amount of pain and despair someone must be in to attempt suicide -- she needs all the love and support (a reason to live!) she can get.

I know you know this, and this is *not* to berate you, because, like I said, I think feelings of anger are completely natural; I'm just saying, as JimB is, that you probably shouldn't let the feeling of anger, however justified and normal, to keep you from reaching out and connecting with your grandmother.

I've only known one person who committed suicide, and I was in despair over it for months, as he was one of the sweetest and gentlest souls. I can imagine how you feel about your co-worker.

I had just sent you a PM before seeing this (I had been off the board for a while) and will send you another now.

We're all thinking of you.

[hoodieprincess]

Thanks for the posts...

I totally understand what everyone is saying about my grandmother and I agree 100%. I really have been pushing myself to do the opposite of the anger I feel and use it to push forward being supportive of her right now. I haven't shunned her or put her off. And, honestly, I fully understand the need to be non-judgmental about the situation. I've dealt with it far too much to know how the process works. The only thing that changes her situation a little is that she didn't succeed and that allows me to be grateful as well.

And, I did go to the funeral yesterday. It was sad and beautiful. I cried my eyes out...I laughed out loud. It was heartfelt and touching and so totally reflective of J. It was honestly one of the best services I've been to. People always say that the service is not a time to just be sad but to celebrate one's life as well. This was as much of a celebration for that man and his amazing heart, character, and charm as I've ever seen. It was amazing to go to. There was no casket. There were just tables at the front full of stuff that just was who he was...Pictures, year books, figurines, his scarfs, hats, ticket stubs, playbills, stuff he wore, stuff he carried with him...It was really a celebration of who he was. Last night was hard. I finally sat and had the rest of my own crying session. I slept like a rock after of course. I even had a dream about him. He was kind of my sunshine really so it was good to see his face, see his smile, and hear his voice one last time. I had to laugh because I had a hat made for me for my birthday...Shortly after, someone made him the scarf that matched. He was always taking my hat, putting it on and telling me he wasn't sure who looked better. Of course we'd both laugh hysterically. Well, the scarf was on the front table and I kind of lost it. His roommate told me after the service though that he'd been so jealous of my hat, he'd been looking for the yarn so he could have a hat made of his own and we'd match. LOL So, I am getting teary just thinking of it all again...Better get back to work.

Just wanted to say thanks again everyone. Right now is really going to be a time of healing for me and I'm just having a hard time with it.

[shattered]

I'm so glad you went to the funeral.

And thank you for sharing this incredibly touching story with us.

[AngelBaby]

A~

I am glad to hear that you decided to go. J sounds like he was one hell of a guy. You were blessed to have him as a part of your life.

Know that I think of you often.

Love,

~J

[kittenhart]

I am glad that you went to the funeral and that it helped you somewhat.

I just wanted to add- about your Grandma- that there have been several times that I've been around people who were suicidal and that it seems like the times when they make it the most uncomfortable for you to be around them, the times when they behave the worst, when you feel most like just bailing- these are the times when I think they actually need someone around them the most. Even if you don't talk, even if you're just sortof there in the background doing your own thing, puttering. In each one of these situations, I was always glad later that I didn't leave...although they stand out in my memory as being very awkward charged times. Not fun times, for sure.
Hang in there,
K

[jules]

Hoodie, I'm sorry for your pain, and wish you success in the healing process. You will be stronger for it, I am sure.