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Post by piscesgoddess on Jan 20, 2009 17:48:48 GMT -5
Well hey all.. been a loong time since the OJAR days...so instead of lurking around here decided to post for a change before my head officially explodes I think most of ya'll know my kid has cancer, I got divorced and just recently had a baby..(seriously..I just never can seem to do anything small ) Anywho.. my issue at the moment ..well I have many..is my ex.. We've been separated a year this month.. Last year my main focus was taking care of my son and the blow of having cancer enter our lives. The ex was there a bit..and we briefly had a couple of "re-encounters" but for the main part for him it was over. For me.. it was not..and I still don't think it is. The conception of the baby was from a brief brief relationship with someone I should not have been with and who has skipped far far away..and with whom I was simply trying to replace the ex. I did no dating..no anything.. other than take care of my son, be pregnant and hang on to some notion the ex and I would get back together some day. Well that aint happenin..he beats me in the head with it..and I get it.. but the issue now is our 3 year old son whom he wrangled custody of in the divorce because I did not have a lawyer and I was so brow beaten by that time I would have agreed to have my fingernails pulled out one by one to get out of the sitiuation. (Sick love I know) He is making my life hell where this boy is concerned and with everything else.. Throw in having a new baby, being a single mom with no help and I seriously just want to get in my car and drive off to nowhere and never come back. I honestly don't know how in the hell my life got here.. (because I let it right JimB? ) I miss even the worst of times..because this? feels like hell.. I should be happy I have a sweet new baby and Im just not.. I just see an endless road of nowhere.. (not because of the baby but its a contributing factor) Im honestly not dealing with anything well right now.. Please dont bash me saying I should just be thankful I have a healthy baby when so many cant have one.. I know that believe me.. and Ive even looked into adoption because I feel like such a shit mom. Where do I go from here oh wise hugtharians? How do I stop engaging in these petty fights with the idiot ex? How do I stop feeling like my life is on an endless road to nowhereville? How do I just.....stop?? Cause I seriously feel like I'm losing it.... did I mention my son has to go in for chemo tomorrow?
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Post by AngelBaby on Jan 20, 2009 19:26:23 GMT -5
R~
I wish I had some wise words of advice like you have so often given to me, but I just don't. I'm not going to give you the usual, "it'll get better" yada yada yada, because I know that isn't what I would want to hear.
I wish things were better for me, because I would be there in a heartbeat to do whatever I could to help you out, but things are a bit rocky for me right now. My relationship is fine, but emotionally and financially things are a bit of a wreck right now.
Know that I'm thinking of and loving you!
~J
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Post by freckles on Jan 20, 2009 23:53:56 GMT -5
Well hey all.. been a loong time since the OJAR days...so instead of lurking around here decided to post for a change before my head officially explodes I think most of ya'll know my kid has cancer, I got divorced and just recently had a baby..(seriously..I just never can seem to do anything small ) Anywho.. my issue at the moment ..well I have many..is my ex.. We've been separated a year this month.. Last year my main focus was taking care of my son and the blow of having cancer enter our lives. The ex was there a bit..and we briefly had a couple of "re-encounters" but for the main part for him it was over. For me.. it was not..and I still don't think it is. The conception of the baby was from a brief brief relationship with someone I should not have been with and who has skipped far far away..and with whom I was simply trying to replace the ex. I did no dating..no anything.. other than take care of my son, be pregnant and hang on to some notion the ex and I would get back together some day. Well that aint happenin..he beats me in the head with it..and I get it.. but the issue now is our 3 year old son whom he wrangled custody of in the divorce because I did not have a lawyer and I was so brow beaten by that time I would have agreed to have my fingernails pulled out one by one to get out of the sitiuation. (Sick love I know) He is making my life hell where this boy is concerned and with everything else.. Throw in having a new baby, being a single mom with no help and I seriously just want to get in my car and drive off to nowhere and never come back. I honestly don't know how in the hell my life got here.. (because I let it right JimB? ) I miss even the worst of times..because this? feels like hell.. I should be happy I have a sweet new baby and Im just not.. I just see an endless road of nowhere.. (not because of the baby but its a contributing factor) Im honestly not dealing with anything well right now.. Please dont bash me saying I should just be thankful I have a healthy baby when so many cant have one.. I know that believe me.. and Ive even looked into adoption because I feel like such a shit mom. Where do I go from here oh wise hugtharians? How do I stop engaging in these petty fights with the idiot ex? How do I stop feeling like my life is on an endless road to nowhereville? How do I just.....stop?? Cause I seriously feel like I'm losing it.... did I mention my son has to go in for chemo tomorrow? You can make it You are a Strong Lady God Bless
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Post by Mod (PQ-Kermie) on Jan 20, 2009 23:59:39 GMT -5
I was wondering how long it would take till you found your way home This may sound stupid.. but I was watching Castaway tonight.. ya know the one with Tom Hanks and Wilson. In the end of the movie he is explaining how he made a rope took it up to the top of the cliff.. looped it around a tree. After he jumped the tree broke and he fell to the ground. What he realized is that he must survive and how to do this is to just breath. So many times we are faced with such shit things in our life.. so many overpowering feelings.. that we forget..no matter what we may face now.. the tides can change.. and if we give up on that hope that there is something better within those waves rolling in.. then we will never know what life has in store for us. Sometimes we feel we have lost everything and are short sighted as to think we will never gain anything. Life is not about minutes or months or even several years. It is a collective account of all that we have done and all the people we have touched along the way. When I came to Ojar years and years ago.. your strength and your ora (sp?) really changed the way I looked at things and made me feel like I wasn't losing my mind. You did that for so many people.. you thought little of what you had to gain but what others could gain from you. You gave more than you will ever know to so many... Your not alone....ever......this is but the flash in the photo...wait and see what develops.. some of the best pictures come from the dark room
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daryl
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by daryl on Jan 21, 2009 8:51:03 GMT -5
Hi,as i said in my post a few days back. The only present that god has given us is the gift of the present. Not the future nor the past. How we choose to use our present will determine our future lives. Only one thing to do and that is live your present life as best and as positivley and constructivley as you can. Nothing else matters as everything else will take care of itself in whichever direction it needs to go. All you can do is embrace each fleeting moment as the life given to you because you are strong enough to handle it
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Post by redskyatnight on Jan 21, 2009 9:33:55 GMT -5
Kermie and Daryl have some typed out some great wisdom and I have nothing to add to it.
My initial thought was that you might be suffering from Postpartum depression. Work in a trip to your doctor and see if he can help.
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Post by amola on Jan 21, 2009 23:38:46 GMT -5
pisces.....honey.........{{{HUGS}}}
i can't say anything better than what everyone else has said. i really can't.
please, do go see a doctor, k? you know as well as i do that the post-prego hormones can be horrible........and you've got tons of shit overflowing your plate right now so there's no shame in getting some help.
i love you, and if you need anything, you just let me know, k? i can't do much from here other than be a sounding board, but it's better than nothing, right?
i'm sending you my phone number again, just in case.......
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Post by jules on Jan 22, 2009 11:53:16 GMT -5
Hi, PG. I know I don't have the history with you that others do, but I do remember some very nice exchanges with you on the other ojar refuge board a while back.
You sound completely overwhelmed, and I know that's a tough place to be. I've found that the only way to recover from it is to focus on one thing at a time. I'd suggest starting with your OWN health -- mental and physical -- because unless you are healthy, you will have a difficult time focusing on other things.
Next, make a list of your biggest stressors, and write down possible (and feasible) solutions for them. You are an adult -- you know what needs to be done to better your life and the lives of your children. You ARE empowered to take the necessary steps to make this happen. You strike me as an intelligent woman, so I'm sure that you are able to not only know what needs to be done and think of ways to do so, but also research avenues for assistance in specific areas, whether it be obtaining medical care, day care programs, employment assistance, etc. if need be.
What you do need to do, like others have said, is let go of the past, especially past regrets and hurts, and focus on the present. Remember that you are in charge of your destiny. And if you ever need support in taking these steps, you know where to find us.
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Post by sheyd on Jan 22, 2009 12:16:35 GMT -5
You sound like me, Jules - lists! PG will laugh at that - I always wanted to make lists at her house...
Seriously, PG... You WILL be ok, you KNOW this part is tough, you anticipated it would be - but once you survive through this, it gets easier... that is all you need to do right now - survive through it.
Cut out all the garbage in your life, and any people or areas that make you angry. You don't need the stress. Walk away - don't engage in the fights - they only take you down with them. You CAN do this - I've seen you.
Rely on anyone anywhere that has offered to help. Give them a call and a try - and assume only 1 out of 5 will be able to - so keep trying if the first can't. And keep them on the list, maybe next time they can.
I wish I could come back - but you know you are welcome here anytime!
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Post by jules on Jan 22, 2009 13:14:40 GMT -5
Actually, I'm not a fan of lists, but I do find that getting stuff down on paper is the best way to plan an attack, especially when overwhelmed, because it helps break things down into smaller pieces. With all due respect, shey, part of me disagrees with this: Rely on anyone anywhere that has offered to help. While it is gracious to accept the kindness of others, relying on such only contributes to a sense of helplessness. Personal achievements, earned on one's own, are the best stepping stones to self-empowerment.
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Post by RO on Jan 22, 2009 13:47:44 GMT -5
pg --
my 3 cents for what it is worth to you.
the exh is a cancer -- cut him out of your life. his mental/emotional abuse to you is doing more harm.
cut out the toxics from your life -- all those bad behaviors and people that are sucking you dry.
empower yourself to move forward -- make those hard choices and remember that each day is a do-over ...
personally -- i am too let down by everyone to ever count on anyone for help. in the end ... YOU are the only one that can help yourself.
having been through my own share of scrapes in my own life (not discounting or saying that our paths are similar)...at some point - i realize that the pity party parade has to end and that no ONE is responsible for my life but me. choices have consequences.
best of luck. hold out your heart in all tenderness ... something healing this way comes.
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Post by piscesgoddess on Jan 22, 2009 23:12:57 GMT -5
wow..thanks for the welcome home guys.. I didn't expect to get more than one reply and got so many and such wonderful and insightful advice.. I am humbled and grateful.. I seem to have lost my ability to use quotes when OJAR closed its doors so bear with me here.. PQ- You truly truly brought tears to my eyes, I will never be able to express what your words meant to me- how reminding me that I actually touched people's lives once and made a difference..wow.. I guess I had forgotten..I miss that woman..I have missed her for a very long time..I hope to find my way back again. Thank you for being you my little zapper Redsky- I do know that I'm suffering from PPD.. I've been to my doc, the ER, and a psych..al who don't really know what to do..I have alot of trouble with anti-depressants so the psych basically upped my anxiety meds to get rid of the panic and told me to get therapy..which I'm limited by because of insurance reasons..I am trying to reach out in other areas though..PPD support groups etc..it is such an overlooked disease..one that is so hard and so real. I thank you for pointing it out in case I wasn't aware though..because alot of women are not aware. Er..where am I?.. On the topic of relying on people..Jules- I try not to rely on people..because as RO touched on they tend to just let me down..so Shey knows I do not ask or accept help easily. I have spent the entire past year going to and from my son's cancer treatments alone because..for one ..there really isn't anyone to rely on..and another..it's just easier not to be disappointed. So if anything this past year has taught me is to rely on myself. It does get tiring though.. RO- you must know by now that your 3 cents mean the world to me and yes..I do need to cut the cancers out of my life..I let my temper get in the way..I let my old connections to people get in the way..and then I'm mixed up in all kinds of poison that day by day makes me sicker and sicker..its time to get healthy again..I'm just trying to figure out how. Okay..I now have a crying baby and Im not going to be able to finish this how I would like.. Daryl.. thanks for your input as well..I've watched you come along way in your journey..so it gives me hope that there is light somewhere in the mess Shey.. well you should know by now after all of our late night talks how I feel about you and your wonderful advice Amola= Thanks for chiming in even with all of your crap going on right now.. I love you girl.. and if anyone understands this..I know its you.. AB- I know you would be here if you could.. you are always on my heart Freckles..you are a sweetheart..truly. Okay.. I didnt get to say half of what I wanted to say .but screaming baby awaits..thank you.. all of you..I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. As PQ said.. some of the best pictures come from the dark room.. I'm truly hoping that's the case here.
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Post by barelybreathing on Jan 27, 2009 23:22:09 GMT -5
Hey you.....my sweet piscesgoddess. <<<HUGS>>> He is making my life hell where this boy is concerned and with everything else.. Throw in having a new baby, being a single mom with no help and I seriously just want to get in my car and drive off to nowhere and never come back. Please cut yourself some slack here. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for you dealing with a child who is sick with cancer. Then you throw in the other factors such as you mentioned with a new precious baby and recovery from a divorce, etc. and you are split in every possible direction. You are stronger than you know pisces and whatever trial befalls you, you will get through it. But you have to be kind to yourself here and give yourself some breathing room to simply "exhale" so that you can gather some momentum to "inhale" again. Where do I go from here oh wise hugtharians? How do I stop engaging in these petty fights with the idiot ex? How do I stop feeling like my life is on an endless road to nowhereville? How do I just.....stop?? Cause I seriously feel like I'm losing it.... You are a smart and a wise girl but sometimes in the course of our trials we neglect ourselves immensely. You simply cannot allow this sense of hopelessness engulf you. You have to purge ahead and you must keep going forward. You children need you and "you" need you to be strong in all aspects mentally, physically, and spiritually, okay? "What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us." - Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862) What is within you is something magnificent and you need to tap into that person that you know exists so that you can begin again. did I mention my son has to go in for chemo tomorrow? I am late with this, but all my prayers will be said for your little one.
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Post by freckles on Jan 28, 2009 14:51:32 GMT -5
I Hope you are doing Better
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