How to Trust?

[redskyatnight]

I've been feeling different lately, clearer in my head, but anxious about it. Then this morning, watching some Sunday morning movie, it was clear to me. I need to trust. I want to trust and I don't want it to scare me. Just saying that brings tears to my eyes. It has been so long since I trusted anyone.

I want to have an unchained life. I just don't know how to do it. I kinda hoped that writing about it would give me some insight, but I don't feel it coming right now.

I'm tired of living in fear and guarding myself, yet thinking about how to trust is just as fearful. As long as I'm scared, I guess its better to be scared in a direction that has more potential for happiness. I think that is what scares me. What if I am happy and the bottom falls out. I have to trust that the bottom won't fall out.

I just cried. The big one, all out sobbing. I never cried about the affair. I often wondered why. Now 5+ years later, I cry.

I want to trust. More than that, I need to trust. How I go about that is the question.

[ionysis]

You know Red, I don't think I trust. If you trust someone utterly you are essentially feeling that you know every secret thought of their heart. I don't think that is possible. There is only one person I trust completely and that is my mother because your mother is the only person capable of loving you unconditionally.

I love my fiance but if "trusting" him means believing he will never hurt me, then I don't trust him. He WILL hurt me, probably many, many times over the next 50 years. He is human and fallible and weak, as we all are. BUT I am not scared of that, it won't break me and hopefully it won't break my commitment to him.

I'm not sure the key to all this is trusting, blindly or otherwise. I think it is not be afraid of what your mistrust tells you is inevitable - pain. Life is full of it and we cannot control or avoid all of it. Once you accept that betrayal, hurt, lies, selfishness and mistakes are an unavoidable part of human interaction - even in the best of us - you can stop hiding from them.

Of course the other side of life is that love, self-sacrifice, beauty, friendship, compassion, tenderness and passion also exist intrinsically in our relations with others.

But I believe that you can't have the good without the bad. Yin and yang.

Don't fear pain or betrayal. You dealt with it before, you are strong, you don't need to be fearful. And more than anything, don't let worries about tomorrow spoil today.

[redskyatnight]

Feb 18, 2009 1:04:16 GMT -5 ionysis said:

You know Red, I don't think I trust. If you trust someone utterly you are essentially feeling that you know every secret thought of their heart. I don't think that is possible. There is only one person I trust completely and that is my mother because your mother is the only person capable of loving you unconditionally.

I love my fiance but if "trusting" him means believing he will never hurt me, then I don't trust him. He WILL hurt me, probably many, many times over the next 50 years. He is human and fallible and weak, as we all are. BUT I am not scared of that, it won't break me and hopefully it won't break my commitment to him.

I'm not sure the key to all this is trusting, blindly or otherwise. I think it is not be afraid of what your mistrust tells you is inevitable - pain. Life is full of it and we cannot control or avoid all of it. Once you accept that betrayal, hurt, lies, selfishness and mistakes are an unavoidable part of human interaction - even in the best of us - you can stop hiding from them.

Of course the other side of life is that love, self-sacrifice, beauty, friendship, compassion, tenderness and passion also exist intrinsically in our relations with others.

But I believe that you can't have the good without the bad. Yin and yang.

Don't fear pain or betrayal. You dealt with it before, you are strong, you don't need to be fearful. And more than anything, don't let worries about tomorrow spoil today.

Thanks Ion-
That's quite a lot to digest and I'll have to take it in steps, but it gives me a direction to start with.

[kittenhart]

Thanks for a good post, Ion...gives me something to think about too. Red Sky- I am feeling kind of the same way about some things lately...and wondering if I will ever be trusting again. But then also wondering if being trusting like that was realistic of me.

People do let you down and hurt you. It is pretty much a given in any long term relationship. I think what we have to our advantage now, is that we do know that we can survive through that.
Maybe that particular variant of undamaged trust is over-rated anyhow, I don't know

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCzBL6lx78w

[crushy]

Redsky ~

I know this is a scary step, but it is such a HUGE step (especially in the case of an affair, IMO).

I agree with what Ion said except to add that even if your mom loves you unconditionally, she and/or you can still break trust between you. I love my mom with all of my heart and I know she loves me, but if/and when she's had to choose between letting me down or my drug addicted, thief, regular resident prisoner, meth addicted brother vs me in a hospital bed (while he's ripping me off), she chooses him. As a mom though, I can't imagine having to make such a decision because I would die for each/both of my sons. I guess I'm saying that as a mom, while I agree with Ion (as a mother), I'd categorize such kinds of trust in two different categories. Relationships/love in general vs relationships with a child as there is nothing like a mother's love and her inherent ability to love unconditionally. You are only as happy as your least happy child.

I'm also aware I've indirectly, unintentionally, but definitely hurt my sons as I'm human and now that I'm a parent, I realize parents do not always know what is right/do what is right. I guess I thought my sons would come with an instruction manual, but they didn't, everything else but that. They are awesome!!

I really believe you're on the path of healing to the point where you will decide risking (loving) and losing (being hurt) is worth the definite of not loving.

From what I've read from you since you joined us, I've really liked you and really identified with you. I think this happens with some of us based on our personalities, our experiences and our point of healing.

I believe you are crossing through another scary barrier or phase of your healing to moving on and loving and trusting again in a committed/romantic relationship. Congratulations!!!!!

Crushy

[blu]

I am so glad so many are doing well with moving on and healing. I agree though that trust is the hardest part to heal. red this sounds like a great new chapter for you!Congrats on your progress!

And Ion your words ring very very true to me and I will try to hang on and stay on the other more beautiful side too!

[JimB]

I think wanting to trust is in many ways more important than achieving actual trust. It means you've opened a door that's been closed for a while. Trust can't happen between any two people unless they both want it.

[blu]

I agree JimB. I was telling a good friend the other day that I think that as we go through life our instincts guide us, but over time life experience and pain tends to change them from instincts that guide to instincts that protect and wonder if after a painful experience - they need to be reset back to healthy level......

The intuition and instincts that have served me very well at times, seem to hold me back in fear now...But how to reset an instinct...?

[sheyd]

You reset it by being with people who deserve that openness - who invite it and share it and who encourage it. Check what is REAL reasons to mistrust and act on them, but if it is just your own fears work on not ACTING on them. And even share that it is a fear of yours - share with friends, share with the person who makes you afraid. Don't expect them to fix it though, or change their actions - your fear is your own.

Don't let it make you ACT on mistrust and fear though - don't let it make you have secrets, get accusatory, or constantly check on things. Trust me, been there done that with my ex - it drives you crazy and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Everyone has some small things you can dig out - no one is perfect 100% of the time - and finding the small things can make you think there are bigger things than there are. So you can feel the fear, but don't act on it - unless there is a real reason. Friends can help you figure whether it is real or not (right Blu? ) After you have lived with mistrust for so long - sometimes it is hard to tell what is reasonable and what isn't.