super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Feb 27, 2009 1:35:54 GMT -5
it's been ages since i've written here, though i ghost occasionally. i just needed a bit of a vent. i'm still dealing with being single, still bothered by how quickly i was 'replaced', and still hurt at losing someone completely from my life.
i'm in this weird completely uninterested in relationships kind of state right now. at the same time i can't be truly happy for my friends that are getting into relationships and married. i'm happy for them, but there's something in me that feels cynical about it.
i hate that i have this relationship in my past.
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c
Junior Member
Posts: 52
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Post by c on Feb 27, 2009 11:51:54 GMT -5
I don't think it's that simple. I bet he's still feeling the loss of you. Finding someone new just pre-occupies the mind and keeps you busy thinking about something else other then the previous loss. That's what I think anyway. I'm no expert.
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Post by shattered on Mar 2, 2009 12:27:18 GMT -5
Super Trooper -- I'd been wondering what's going on with you.
Are you still galavanting around Asia?
As for being so quickly replaced -- not to take away from what c said, which could certainly be the case, but I don't think there is any way any of us can assume what our exes are thinking or feeling.
But if we're going to assume anything, I think it might make more sense to err on the side of facts -- e.g. he left me, so therefore I'm not going to waste my time assuming (which really means "hoping") that he still misses me. I can only speak for myself, but the day my ex told me it was over between us, he said with tears in his eyes that he still loved me and always would, and that he had cried many tears over me and would cry many more.
Bullshit.
He couldn't get away from me fast enough. I was crying and hanging on to him, and he literally pried my arms off him, gave me my apt. key back, demanded his, and walked out.
Now, is it possible that on some bizarro level he continued to love me and miss me? Sure. BUT NOT ENOUGH!! He still dumped me, I never heard from him again, and I'm still rejected and alone.
The point I'm trying to make, rather badly, is that it doesn't matter whether they still think of us or not.
Either way, they left us, either way, we are left alone and missing them, and either way we need to rebuild our lives. And I think that's done better without hoping they still miss us. Because it doesn't change a thing, and just slows our progress.
The pain of being replaced so quickly, of losing someone completely, whether he still thinks of you or not, is awful, and devastating, and real. I don't know how long it will take to get over that. But I think you can, and I think you will.
Unfortunately, such things often stay with us for a long, long time. And return even when we think we've mostly overcome them. I am now one and a half years post-break-up, and I'm doing worse than I was six months ago. I had healed pretty well, or so I thought, and now it's really, really bothering me again. It sucks beyond belief, but I realize now that this will be with me for some time to come, possibly forever (not with the current intensity), and that I need to find a way to live with it.
I didn't intend to ramble, super, it just all came pouring out. I really just wanted to say that I think I understand so well how you are feeling. I can't tell you how much I relate to your post.
Is there something exciting, funny, touching, especially noteworthy you can share with us from your Asia trip?
Thinking of you.
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Post by yellowjacket on Mar 2, 2009 20:18:07 GMT -5
I agree with Shattered's point. Thinking they are holding on to thoughts of you really just holds you more to them. You might want to think of them in a sympathetic, soft way as the person with whom you shared love and such wonderful times. How could they not miss that? How could they replace that with someone else?
It doesn't matter. What matters is that is gone from your life now. Your task in getting over a breakup is to remove the importance of this person and to no longer have feelings for them. I'd think this is much easier if you see a clear divide between you two that will never be crossed.
A year and a half later and it's worse than six months ago? That scares me. I sure hope I'm not headed for that. I hope that improves for you.
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Post by shattered on Mar 3, 2009 9:44:48 GMT -5
A year and a half later and it's worse than six months ago? That scares me. I sure hope I'm not headed for that. I hope that improves for you. Yellowjacket (and anyone else who had the same reaction) -- no, no, there is no need to be scared. When I said I'm doing worse now than six months ago, I didn't mean I've started crying myself to sleep over him again. It's just that at the one-year mark, I felt really, really good. I posted here how elated I felt just to be alive. I think I was so elated because the soul-crushing pain that I had thought would NEVER go away, actually did!! I had made so much progress. The reason I feel worse now, is probably because 1) I really haven't made much additional progress since then, so the elation has worn off and I've just kinda stagnated; 2) I have a sort-of relationship with someone else (yes, the younger French guy) which has been painful and draining in its own way and is on very shaky ground, so I'm very sad about that; and 3) I'm just incredibly lonely, so I guess my thoughts wander back to the ex. The reason I feel really bad is that it has become even clearer to me how long I let him treat me with dismissiveness and disrespect, how often I put up with his lies about our relationship, how ice-cold and downright vicious he often was to me -- and it's still (again?) really hard for me to deal with how weak I was and how I LET him treat me. Also, I had bonded with his kids, and they were ripped away from me, and I just don't think that's something I'll ever get over. Anyway, so there are many different reasons for my current slump. No reason whatsoever to think that you, or anyone else, won't make good and healthy progress. There are just setbacks along the way, and sometimes these setbacks happen even when we think we've already healed. But we'll all make it through.
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Post by jules on Mar 3, 2009 11:33:41 GMT -5
There are just setbacks along the way, and sometimes these setbacks happen even when we think we've already healed. Absolutely! And I think the setbacks can hurt even more because one is left thinking "Dammit, I ought to be past this by now, right?" I don't know if there is anything that can be done about the cynicism, except for acknowledging it and using it as the voice of experience so as not to repeat the same mistakes in the future. The trick is balancing the healthy cynicism with the unhealthy, self-destructive kind.
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super
Full Member
Posts: 122
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Post by super on Mar 31, 2009 22:59:58 GMT -5
thanks for the replies guys. lots of wonderful things are happening right now and i'm still traveling around asia. until july at least.
i guess my mind tends to spin to these thoughts when i'm alone, and because i'm not filling my mind with distractions it seems to happen more often lately. i had some days where i didn't even think of him, and now it seems that it's almost constant again.
thinking about it and analyzing it is not going to help anymore, and i'm trying to just shut it out completely. i guess traveling alone is not the best thing after ending a relationship like that! i am truly alone with no friends to distract me. plenty of new friends, but that's not the same as having some old ones around.
it's been about a year and a half, and i guess i'm just annoyed that it has the power to bother me so much. sometimes i really think it's just a way to avoid focusing on the scarier and unknown future!
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Post by shattered on Apr 15, 2009 10:17:14 GMT -5
Super -- somehow missed your reply -- just saw it now.
Very glad to hear that you are hanging in there and that wonderful things are happening!
Can relate to the rest of what you say very well, as usual.
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