Honestly not sure why I'm back, and feeling like crap that I'm doing this, but....I'm lonely.
It's been 2 and a half years since my divorce was final, I'm in a relationship and have an absolutely beautiful 11 month old baby girl. Having been told I wasn't going to have kids, she's beyond a blessing.
But the relationship with her Dad is nothing other than co-parenting. He adores his baby and she is equally crazy about him. I promised her and myself that she would always know the love of a good father, and so far that part is working beautifully.
Our relationship though is non-existant. We were having issues prior to the baby, and this pretty much sealed the deal. For many reaons I won't go in to (and bore you) I'm going to keep working on this for my daughters sake. I know general consensus is don't do it just for her, well that's BS. She needs both her parents, and she needs a good role model in her Dad.
For that reason I carry on this situation, but it's the lonliest I've been in a long time, when I'm not with my baby. I feel very unattractive because we have no sex life. Ironically even my idiot ex-h made me feel more attractive than I feel now.
Anyway, hello again everyone, I do occassionally keep track of everyone, so I hope you're all well.
Sorry to come back under less than perfect circumstances
Post by yellowjacket on Mar 5, 2009 22:21:31 GMT -5
Do you think you and her dad can make it for another 17 years together and give her a better life than two sets of parents in happy, loving relationships would?
Relationships are hard enough for people who are/were completely in love. I'd suspect most couples keeping it together for the children are going to have very high levels of tension and there is no way a child living in the household for that long won't be aware of it. I'd also suspect in most cases one or both are going to get tired of a sexless marriage and find it outside with someone else. Children are likely to find out and that partner is likely to leave if that outside relationship offers more. Then the other partner is just left with regret.
It's hard enough for two people who love each other to be together for 17 years. Two people that don't?
She does need both her parents. That doesn't mean they have to be together as a couple. You could share time with her. I'd at least think it through.
I honestly dont know if we'll last 17 years, can an in love couple guarantee that? Isn't that why most of us came here in the first place? We believed we were married for life and got a rude awakening. We're friends, and that's more than most "happily in love" couples have.
The situation is certainly NOT ideal, but I gave up the right to be selfish the minute she was born. She is the only important thing in my life and I have no right to jeopardise her future simply for sex. Trust me it wasn't that great when it was there.
The last thing I want is for her to come from a split home. Yes it does work, and in many cases works well, but if I can keep this together in a friendly loving way then I'll do it.
Having said that the minute there is arguing or a "cold war" then game over and the situation is revisted.
The thing I'm struggling with though is the loneliness. I'm sad that even in my 30's I've been unable to somehow find a great relationship. Somehow I feel that being in that great relationship is just not in the cards for me, and maybe my "destiny" is to be a great Mom.
I consider my own Dad a great role model in large part because I've always been able to see how much he loves and appreciates my Mom. While I don't know if a healthy, loving relationship is in the cards for me personally, I feel secure in knowing that it is a possibility in this world because my parents have been great examples throughout my life in their own relationship.
As her mother you are and will continue to be the primary example of what it means to be a woman. You love your daughter so much... do you want her to grow up believing that as a woman, her own happiness and fulfillment and self-esteem don't matter?
How does your husband feel about the state of your relationship? Do both of you have any desire to improve things?
IMO, it's admirable you'd make that kind of sacrifice to benefit your daughter. But I don't know that you need to view it as a sacrifice.
Unless your issues with the dad have to do with the 3 A's (adultery, addiction, or abuse for those scoring at home), is it necessary to give up hope that it could get better? People are resilient, and it's human nature to continue to try to improve one's own situation. Yet the vibe of your post is resignation to a co-parenting situation that will never become something better.
Perhaps it won't ever get any better, and perhaps recent events have conspired to leave you feeling pretty hopeless. But if the two of you share the kind of devotion and commitment to your daughter that you've talked about, it gives you a significant chunk of common ground. Things can get better if you'll just resolve to communicate your needs instead of holding back. You're going to be with this guy for at least 17 years, so what do you have to lose?
All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience. -Henry Miller
Jules, thank you so much for the wishes. I am totally in love with my baby girl, and being her Mom is the most unbelievable gift I've ever been given.
As for her Dad and I, we're a very calm couple, and we're never disrespectful to each other. We talk and laugh with her as a family and so I hope she's benefiting from a good healthy environment in that respect. Not having my father be a good father really affected so many negative choices in my life that I fully understand and appreciate that the Father role for a girl is sometimes even more important to her future than the role of the Mom. Not at all taking away from "Mom/daughter" but I do understand the negative impact of having a non-involved Dad.
We've both talked about our relationship, and the fact that it's so awkward now. It's been so long since sex was even in our lives that the thought of it right now makes me squirm. We both want to fix this, but have agreed that while we're exhausted new parents that we'll focus on the baby and his career and hopefully be able to come back to us. The willingness it there MOSTLY. Some days not so much.
Jim (great to hear from you) I don't consider anything I do for my baby a sacrifice. I do it willingly and with a lot of love for her. You're right that at the moment we're definetly co-parenting with a hope for the future. I'm just afraid of leaving things so long that we're too uncomfortable to try go back to being intimate.
Hi Rocko I actually mentioned to him (again) not too long ago about feeling like the Goodyear blimp and wanting to get back to the gym to start getting back into shape. He manages to get down there every night whereas I find that I'm so exhausted after working all day, rushing to get her from daycare, bathing/feeding/playing that all I want to do is crash. I've decided that it's best I do the gym at lunch hour, so hopefully that might work better for me.
Freckles....I have nothing to add to your marginal advice.
Force yourself into the gym every night, if just for 15 mins on the treadmill. Eventually you will find the energy you need, working out has a way of creating that. Then start working on your relationship... yea the grass is always greener and you can always find a better match for you. The trick is making the most of what you have now or you will spend the rest of your life moving from yard to yard.
Hello LC, I don't remember you from Ojar but good to have another old timer back.
I think most new parents can identify with the post-baby sexless relationship thing. And I'm SURE every woman in the world can relate to how feeling unfit can make you feel unattractive and the huge negative spiral that begins out of that. I certainly can. There have been times in my life where I've not felt physically attractive to my partner and the repercussions were huge because once you start on the road where sex is not on the menu it feeds on itself and the longer it goes on the harder it is to change.
I appreciate what you say about using this time to focus on your baby and on being a family but in my opinion by doing this you are perpetuating the current situation and beginning to set in stone a relationship pattern which is likely to make both you and your partner more and more discontented as the years go by.
So many parents find that they become ONLY parents and set no time aside for themselves as a couple. Their lives are wholly dominated by their children. In the end I think this can make the children an unhealthy focus and that is when issues arise such as having the child take on too great a role on meeting the emotional needs of the parent - because they are not being met elsewhere. My parents did not have a great relationship and my mother poured all her emotional commitment into me. While that meant I was loved and cared for I was also under constant pressure (especially as an only child). This is not an easy load for any child to bear. Also when the child becomes a teen and needs to start breaking away the parents can be reluctant to allow this and desperately clutch onto a child because they have no one else to love.
This is why I think that working on your relationship, your self-esteem and your intimacy is as important as loving and caring for your child - because without the former your daughter won't have that great foundation of two LOVING parents - i.e. parents who love each other as well as loing her. I personally also believe that is vitally important for her to develop a good model of the kind of relationship she deserves when she is older.
The key word in all this is, I believe, intimacy. Sex is great, yes, its all fun and exciting but the most important part of sex in long term relationships is that it builds, nurtures and maintains intimacy between couple, emotional intimacy, mental intimacy, a feeling of closeness and affection. Without such intimacy, eventually the daily grind of life can rub you and your partner raw. Intimacy is the grease which smooths the cogs of any relationship, the fondness and love that sexual experiences foster between two people makes it easier to forgive, easier to let go of the little gripes. Without it eventually the dominating characteristic of a partnership often tends to become mutual resentment - not just because of a lack of emotional and physical fulfilment but because of the daily irritations which are not smoothed by periodic physical closeness.
Of course this is just my opinion. But I really would do as Goods says and start working on feeling good about yourself and once again feeling like a sexual being. I totally get the idea of "he doesn't make me feel wanted" (and in one of my relatonships that was quite clearly because I wasn't!) but actually it's amazing just how much our own view of ourselves affects our desirability.
In any case, I'm so happy for you with regards to your daughter and wish you the best of luck and much enjoyment in watching her grow up.
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."
Goods thanks for your input, and I'm absolutely going to TRY get to the gym, even just for 15 minutes. I find it way too easy to blame exhaustion on not doing it, but that's a little weak even for me.
ionysis, thank you so much for your reply. I guess I should have prefaced everything by saying we were having a lot of issues prior to the baby. In fact she was conceived on a trip that we were on to try and rekindle the relationship. I know exactly the day the baby was conceived because up until then it was the first time in nearly 6 months we had been intimate, and we havn't again since.
He feels his head isn't in the right place because his career isn't where he wants it to be, and it's affecting his desire to be intimate. Plus a whole slew of other issue that are blocking him. I was very patient for a very long time, and got tired of being rejected with the "Not now I'm not ready". So now I focus on the baby, and as of this week, me. The rejection that I felt over those many months has taken a big toll on my self confidence.
To help with that I focus on being a good Mom, and I do feel like I'm doing an ok job. My baby is a beautiful happy healthy little girl and shows a lot of affection to people. For now that gives me pride in doing one thing right.
I have no intention of exploring other relationships or looking for greener pastures. I can't imagine introducing another man into my daughters life and possibly having her hurt, especially not while she can't talk. I would rather keep hope that eventually things with her Dad and I will start to get back on an even keel once he's accepted into the Academy and he's doing what he feels is a worthwhile pursuit.
Who knows though, I could be barking up a very rotten and unfixable tree.
I find it impossible to get myself to the gym. I found it much easier to get myself to walk out the door and WALK. I don't jog or run (I have my reasons). I take the dogs for a walk. The kids stay home with my husband. I walk with my mom when she wants to come along. I walk 1-2.5 miles depending on the time I have. I go EVERYDAY unless 1. below 32 degrees or 2. precipitating. Those are my only excuses.
Did you know netflix has many workout videos. I am thinking of doing their 4.99 a month program. you only get two vids a month and only one at a time, but I get tired of a workout video quickly. To be able to have a new video every two weeks would be great!
The sex life in my marriage is NOT perfect AT ALL. I gained weight and I feel gross with my clothes off. Therefore I don't want him to see my naked. I work on it daily. It helps that he doesn't care if I am 100lbs or 200lbs. It bothers me WAY more than him, I am working on it.
I hope you two can work through everything and become a loving thriving couple again. I will pray for you two and your daughter.