Don't be afraid to do weight training. Lots of folks think cardio is the best way to lose weight, but the truth is that lifting weights and developing your muscles is possibly even more effective.
Most of the time while I was married I weighted around 200lbs. Not bad (by American standards), but not the best, either. I ran four miles or so usually 3-4 times per week, so I was getting plenty of exercise. I probably ate more than I should have, but it wasn't excessive.
It was not until after I joined a gym and began doing some resistance training that I saw my weight begin to drop. The years of cardio were good for me, but they didn't get me to where I wanted to be, weight wise. I'm at about 175-180lbs now at 6' tall. Although I am eating better, too.
I understand that the reason for this is basically that cardio burns calories while your exercising and for a few/several hours afterward. Weight training, on the other hand, when done properly, exhausts your muscles and your body spends many more calories rebuilding those muscles over the next couple of days.
Good luck! It's pretty satisfying and motivating to see the pounds go away.
Who knows though, I could be barking up a very rotten and unfixable tree.
Sounds like you and I tend to think the same way. But again, I find it hard to believe the tree can possibly be rotten and unfixable if you both share something so powerful as complete commitment to your daughter. As long as you share that, the tree has life.
It's hard to find the bright spots in a relationship among parental exhaustion, career uncertainty, and other trouble within the relationship itself. But IMO you can find the good stuff and work to nurture it. You've said you will stay with him for the sake of your daughter, and that's a start. But you can have more with him.
One of my biggest challenges when I'm feeling doubtful (which is often) is remembering to feed positive energy to my partner. Regardless of what else might be going on, the better I give, the better I get in return. I think you're already halfway there, given that you've already shelved your own needs to some extent in consideration of your daughter. It's really hard to go the rest of the way and give of yourself to someone you're not completely sure of, and he may not appreciate it right away. When things aren't going so hot, we tend to protect ourselves, even though that's the exact opposite of what we should do. If you can find a way to open up and give of yourself, it will pay you back in the long run.
Agreed Jim. Even in the car yesterday I forced myself to think back to what I fell in love with in the first place, and I remembered how I felt the first time I saw him. That helped me to soften my tone, and bring out a better me. It made for a good day, and helped me remember to keep working on both relationships (baby and partner), even though I've been rejected many times. The "greater good" is worth working on.
Rocko thanks for the input I think I like your approach. Walking also helps with a little of the needed "alone" time that I had to admit I needed. Without feeling guilty that I needed it.
Thanks so much for all the input GD. I promise I'll keep weights and cardio in balance.
"Marginal" is only marginal when the source is out to lunch
Lambchop. one thing you didn't talk about is how much co-parenting your partner does.
Is he there with the baby? Does he spend time with her? Would he agree to take a day off from the gym to be with her (you said he goes everyday) so you can get an undivided timeslot to go to the gym and get your own workout? It seems like a win-win for him because it looks like you are doing all the work in taking care of the baby. He doesn't seem to have made any sacrifices there at all.
In addition, if you feel better, you look better, you can get some of your self-esteem and self-confidence back. And men want a self-confident woman. (And the man who doesn't want a self-confident woman has issues of his own...)
You deserve to have support in taking time out for yourself - and don't let anyone tell you different. Having time for yourself to meditate, work out, or just read a magazine will do wonders for your mental state - and make you a better mother and partner in the long run.
Now I would say he's about a 35% co-parent and going up more each day. When I fell pregnant he behaved like his life was over, refused to talk about the baby, wouldnt touch my belly...came to the US appointments and would sometimes get involved, but overall it was a horribly lonely experience. I still harbour anger about those months and tend to bring it up occassionally because I can't deal with it. But that's a whole other kettle of fish.
Now that the baby is older he's incredibly involved. Initially it was hard because there wasn't much he could help with and I was very over-protective. I've let up on the reigns and even if he does something a little less perfect (or not to MY standards) I don't say anything.
It's time with the baby and they really enjoy each other, and that's all that matters. She loves her Daddy very much, and in fact at 11months "Dadda" is her favorite word
That alone makes this all worth it, and confirms I've made the right decision for her.
Post by Kim Possible on Mar 26, 2009 18:32:41 GMT -5
Hi lamb. Not sure if we ever crossed paths, but I too am a sort-of 'vet', who is suddenly finding myself easing my way back in here. I too, am feeling lonely, yet in a relationship, and wondering if I am not meant to be in relationships
Congratulations on your wonderful bundle of joy . After having a child with someone I onced loved, and now raising the child alone (or at least not with him ), I do see things from a different perspective. As much as it kills me that my daughter has 2 homes and essentially 2 'families', this is really the best for all parties involved. Maybe I am saying this b/c my ex never gave it a thought (to stay together for the sake of her), but in hindsight, it could not have worked. Even if you guys do get along, you're not doing it for yourselves, you're doing it for her.
JimB's insight (as usual) was great. Is this something that cannot be repaired? I know when my ex and I were parents of a baby/toddler, we never saw each other. We just basically went through the motions, and I thought that's what everyone did. But I realized that a marriage is not going to withstand all that. I'm sort of going through that with my bf, and it's bothering me a bit. You need to make time for each other, or it will fade away.
We MAY have crossed paths on Ojar. I drifted off when the big "Ojar split" happened. Too much drama for an already over dramatic life.
I suppose it's a difficult situation in a way. I love him, and I want him to be in our lives. more than anything it's clear to see how much he adores his daughter. He gets incredibly emotional talking about her, they love each other, and I would never do anything to mess with that. It's that ability to love her so much that gives me hope to keep trying.
She's very worth every effort I make to keep this family together. We spend a lot of time together as a family, and make sure we take her for play gym and he always comes with us to get her groceries and clothes shopping. He's very interactive with her, including taking his turn with the poopy diapers.
For those reasons I keep trying, and I keep hoping that eventually with effort, patience and time things will balance in our favour again. When we're sleeping better