Post by shattered on Apr 2, 2009 9:32:35 GMT -5
I'd been feeling rather bad lately (re. the ex situation), but it was under control.
This morning, I check my e-mail, and there was a message that caught me completely off guard.
It was from his cousin, the one who threw us an engagement party at her house.
I never heard from her after the break-up, and now, one a half years later, all of a sudden there is a message from her with a job tip for me. (Her mom stayed in touch with me after the break-up, so the cousin knows from her mom that my job situation hasn't been that stable.)
Anyway, I can't believe this short friendly e-mail from his cousin had this effect on me: It opened back up all the flood gates. All the memories came rushing back.
The engagement party, her husband and two little darling children whom I liked so much, how they came to my birthday party two years ago, all the stuff with the ex, all the pain...I'm sitting here in my office with the tears just streaming down my cheeks. They just won't stop.
God, I hate this so much. One and a half years, and the mere memory of my time with him still has this power over me.
I hate that I'm still so affected by anything related to him, because I know he's not worth it.
He was sooooo outrageously horrible to me so many times. But he could also be wonderful. I had so wanted the wonderful part to outweigh the bad. For it to be meaningful.
I still miss the wonderful part. I still miss him. I miss his kids. I miss the life we could have so easily had if he had been just slightly less fucked up.
I hate this so much.
I hate him.
I hate how he has damaged so much of my life for so long.
This morning, I check my e-mail, and there was a message that caught me completely off guard.
It was from his cousin, the one who threw us an engagement party at her house.
I never heard from her after the break-up, and now, one a half years later, all of a sudden there is a message from her with a job tip for me. (Her mom stayed in touch with me after the break-up, so the cousin knows from her mom that my job situation hasn't been that stable.)
Anyway, I can't believe this short friendly e-mail from his cousin had this effect on me: It opened back up all the flood gates. All the memories came rushing back.
The engagement party, her husband and two little darling children whom I liked so much, how they came to my birthday party two years ago, all the stuff with the ex, all the pain...I'm sitting here in my office with the tears just streaming down my cheeks. They just won't stop.
God, I hate this so much. One and a half years, and the mere memory of my time with him still has this power over me.
I hate that I'm still so affected by anything related to him, because I know he's not worth it.
He was sooooo outrageously horrible to me so many times. But he could also be wonderful. I had so wanted the wonderful part to outweigh the bad. For it to be meaningful.
I still miss the wonderful part. I still miss him. I miss his kids. I miss the life we could have so easily had if he had been just slightly less fucked up.
I hate this so much.
I hate him.
I hate how he has damaged so much of my life for so long.
